Moments In Time - Aftermath
by AliyahNCIS
Summary: 7x1 Truth or Consequences. This is everything that happened after the rescue. And the beginning of Tony and Ziva's journey towards healing.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Okay guys, we're going to try something different. Currently this part of the story is getting a little out of hand and it might take me awhile to finish it, but I hate to leave you hanging waiting for what happens next. Since it's over 20,000 words at the moment and nowhere near done, I'm going to split it into several chapters and have Truth or Consequences be a separate story, then start MIT Part 4 with 7x2. I'll try to post twice this week, Sun and Thurs, but it might be just once a week after that until I get things figured out. Hope this works and I also hope you'll let me know what you think. Thanks for the patience and for sticking around, you guys are awesome! ~ love, Aliyah_

_PS. Thank you to everyone who prayed for and asked about my mom. Thankfully the reaction didn't last long and she's feeling much better now. I'm always amazed by the support offered here, you are all fabulous :)_

_Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?_

Tony couldn't get the words out of his head as he sat on the cargo plane and stared at his partner on the other side, huddled up in a blanket and refusing to look at any of them, only letting Gibbs remain close. It had been three hours since she reappeared in his life and Tony hadn't taken his eyes off her. There was still a great possibility that this was a dream, even if aching muscles and bones, stinging cuts, and tender bruises seemed to indicate otherwise. He licked his lips and winced when his tongue caught on the rough split skin. If this was how he felt, Tony couldn't imagine what his wife was dealing with. The weary agent lifted his left hand and fixed his gaze on the empty third finger. He'd really thought it was over, that he'd never see the woman he loved again, and even now that she was alive, he didn't know if she was still his. Leaning his head back, Tony remembered the end of their angry conversation in Israel.

_His own heartbroken plea. "Ziva, don't do this, please. I love you."_

_Then the cold look in her eyes when she replied, "Then you will let me go." She'd disappeared into the building and Tony had lain back on the cold cement, knowing he was losing her all because he tried to protect her._ _Later, when she didn't get on the plane, Tony figured Ziva was shutting him out because she was hurting and she had never known anything else besides betrayal, so why should he be any different?_

This morning she'd been dead and vengeance was his final hope before he planned to let death find him swiftly. But this afternoon Saleem shoved an unknown person into the chair across from him and when the hood came off Tony blinked, sure the battered, skinny, hopeless woman in front of him was a mirage or a drug induced hallucination. Then she spoke, and the world started turning again.

But Ziva didn't want him there and she wanted to die, which hurt more than when she walked away. He saw the single tear that fell when he talked about a rescue and her expression when he asked if she could fight. Tony didn't understand until he and McGee had to lift her to her feet and physically drag her from the room that she could barely walk. He held her hand because she wouldn't hold his and kept his arm around her back, wanting to wrap her up and heal all her scars when he felt how her ribs stuck out under her clothes, her weight when leaning on them so much lighter than it should be. Ziva had gravitated towards Gibbs as soon as they reached the plane and Tony felt bereft, the thing he wanted most in the world just out of his reach. Her gaze flickered to his for the briefest of moments and his heart leapt, but the despair he read there before she looked away was enough to make everything inside hurt. He had never seen her broken before, not like this.

The pilot turned and yelled at them to prepare for landing and Ziva jumped at the harsh, unexpected sound, pressing in close to Gibbs and clapping her hands over her ears. He leaned close to whisper to her, moving one of her hands so she could hear the words. Finally she nodded and they all waited to feel wheels on the ground. As soon as the group deplaned, they were shuttled to a nearby field hospital and swarmed by medical professionals.

Tony saw the panic that leapt to the forefront of Ziva's eyes at being crowded and pushed through the people to get to her. But Gibbs moved in front of her first, giving a brief explanation and guiding Ziva towards a curtained off corner one of the doctors pointed to. Swallowing, Tony started to follow them, but Gibbs looked back and shook his head, getting the attention of another man in uniform. "They gave him some kind of truth serum, he and the other one were both hit pretty hard. I want them seen to."

"Boss," Tony tried to protest, but didn't get any further before he was led to a cot, asked several stupid questions, ad hooked up to an IV bag that would help flush the drugs through his system. And as much as Tony wanted to be with Ziva, he was asleep between one blink and the next.

It was dark when he woke up and terror immediately engulfed him. "Ziva!" he called frantically, scanning beds and panicking when he didn't see her slight, battered form.

A hand on his shoulder brought Tony's attention to the side. "Settle down DiNozzo, she's over there." He nodded towards the private corner. "You've slept the day away."

Tony frowned, looking around for a clock or some sort of time keeper. "What day is it?"

Gibbs understood the confusion. He hadn't been sure himself of the time or day when he woke up on a cot he didn't even remember laying down on. "We got her out of there Monday afternoon, it was night by the time we came here. You fell asleep during your treatment, now it's Tuesday night."

He rubbed his face. "Oh boy. I don't remember anything except closing my eyes." Tony blew out a breath. "She okay."

"The doctors have been working with her all day. Pumping her full of IV fluids to deal with the dehydration and giving her a special formula for people who are malnourished." Gibbs remembered the scene he'd witnessed earlier. "Ziver was fine until they wanted to get a closer look at her injuries, then she tried to fight them off." He sighed. "They had to sedate her."

His throat closed on hearing the newest development. He wouldn't believe she was real and alive unless he could touch her and watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. Tony struggled to his feet. "I need to be with her."

Gibbs shook his head. "Tony."

Tony whirled on his boss. "No!" he shouted. "No more keeping me away from her. She's my partner! Don't you get it? I thought she was dead!"

The older man stared at him for a long moment. "Don't disturb her."

Tony swallowed. "I won't."

Slow, shuffling steps carried him across the room and he hesitated briefly outside the curtain before sweeping it aside and walking in. Ziva lay on a low cot, eyes closed and hands resting by her sides. For a long time he just stood there, drinking her in. Someone had washed her face and neck and a pair of shoes sat beside the bed ready for her to put on. But she still wore the dirt, sweat, and blood stained clothes that wouldn't let him forget she'd spent the summer in a terror camp. Eventually standing took too much effort and Tony made his way to the chair on the other side of the bed and sank into it, dragging it closer. With a trembling hand he reached out to touch her, his fingers curling around hers in sheer relief.

Ziva was here, she was alive. Her skin was...well, it was colder than he expected, but her pulse beat under his fingers when he moved them to her wrist and that was all the proof he needed. All of a sudden everything was overwhelming and despite Gibbs' orders, Tony leaned his head on the bed, his hand clutching hers, and cried great wrenching sobs that stole the breath from him, washing out the anguish of a summer without her, the sound muffled in the scratchy wool blanket.

It was a long time before he got himself under control and then Tony lifted her hand and kissed it. "I love you Ziva, I'm so glad you're alive. I've missed you so much. I thought I lost you." He whispered the words over and over, never taking his eyes off her face.

Tony sat there for hours, staring at his wife, afraid that if he closed his eyes she might suddenly disappear. In the middle of the night he sat up, aware that something more needed to be said for this miracle. He cleared his throat. "Uh, hi God. I know you haven't heard from me in a long time, a really long time. But you...you gave her back to me when you didn't have to and I...feel like I owe you something for that." Tony rubbed the back of his neck. "So I want to make you a deal. If you can make sure I don't lose her again, that I can keep my wife for at least the fifty years of marriage we deserve, then I'll do my best to make you proud. To be the kind of man you expect." He blinked rapidly. "That's all. Oh, and uh...thank you. Thank you for bringing her here, alive."

Feeling a burden lift from his chest, Tony focused back on the woman he would do anything for. It wasn't until the first rays of dawn began streaking across the sky that someone other than a doctor came into their little sanctuary. Gibbs observed Tony's position, Ziva's hand tucked securely in his, and the expression on his face when he looked at his partner, and almost hated to interrupt.

"DiNozzo." Tony looked up. "Time to go." The fear that flashed in his eyes told Gibbs a lot. "All of us. Come on." The agent's brow furrowed. "Doctors have to look at her again and you need to get cleaned up. She'll be fine."

With reluctance clear in his every movement, Tony lay Ziva's hand back on the bed and leaned over to whisper something in her ear, touching her hair gently before walking slowly towards his boss. "Don't let her out of your sight," he ordered softly, not caring who he was talking to.

The older man understood, remembering what he was like when Jenny got shot on a mission. "I've got her six DiNozzo. Go. And talk to Tim," he said pointedly, "you owe him one."

Tony swallowed hard. "Yeah Boss, I know." After one last look at his partner, he pushed aside the curtain and left Gibbs to guard her. Nothing mattered now except getting Ziva home. Tony just hoped with all his heart that she remembered where that was, because he couldn't take losing her twice.

**NCIS**

From the moment Ziva opened her eyes it seemed that she wanted nothing to do with him and Tony didn't have the words to describe a hurt so deep it stole the breath from him. He watched her in stilted, suffering silence as she sat beside Gibbs, facing him and McGee but not once making eye contact with either of them during the interminable amount of time it took for the plane to cross the ocean and land in DC.

Once they got off, Tony followed his teammates to the waiting car. He watched Ziva's face in the side mirror but there was not even a shred of emotion. The elevator ride to their floor had never seemed so long and he bypassed Abby to sit down heavily in his desk chair. When Tony raised his eyes he found Ziva staring at him, really looking at him for the first time in fifteen hours. He tried to convey his love, his joy at finding her alive, his hope that they could still bring beauty from these ashes, but only dead, lifeless eyes stayed fixed on him and Tony wondered where his Ziva had gone.

Eventually Tony moved enough to take his gun off and return it to the drawer. He slammed it shut with the pent up emotion inside flowing into the gesture. At the sharp sound Ziva jumped, immediately shrinking away and closing her eyes. Gibbs leveled a hard glare at him and spoke softly to Ziva, leaving her in Abby's care again while he marched over to his senior field agent's desk and smacked the back of his head hard enough to sting. He leaned close, blue eyes boring into green. "You startle her again DiNozzo and it won't just be your head that hurts."

Tony cleared his throat and rubbed the spot. "Got it Boss."

Sometime later they were called upstairs for a debrief that dragged on and on until finally Vance declared them free to go and ordered a few days of rest for the whole team. They stood and Leon looked at Gibbs. "About Ziva..."

Gibbs shook his head. "She's staying. I don't care what strings you have to pull, she's not going back."

Vance remained calm, knowing that none of them were thinking rationally right now. "At ease Gibbs. She okay?"

"She's alive," he stated bluntly. "Needs time."

"That I can't give much of I'm afraid," Leon explained. "You let me know when she's ready to talk."

Gibbs made a noise that might've been agreement and left Tim and Tony following in his wake as he returned to the squadroom. Dismissing Abby from Ziva watching duties, Gibbs went to speak to her about what happened next. Tony followed. "You need to rest, eat, get your feet under you. Then we'll talk about details."

Tony joined the conversation uninvited. "I'll take her home Boss."

"No apartment DiNozzo," Gibbs reminded his senior field agent.

Tony shook his head. "No, my place." It was habit now not to say 'we', 'us', or 'our', even if he wanted to use those words more than anything at this moment.

The older man looked at the shadow of a woman in front of him. "Ziver?" She didn't protest, so he took it as an 'okay'. Gibbs scrutinized both his agents and sighed. "Take the weekend. Be back Monday."

Tony nodded and Ziva leaned against the wall, looking at the floor. He lowered his voice once their boss was out of hearing range. "Come on Zi, let's go home." With all his heart he hoped she'd accept.

She shook her head, addressing him directly for the first time. "You do not have to be nice to me Tony."

He frowned and guided her into the elevator, wondering if he'd completely misjudged why she was avoiding him. Did she really think she wasn't worth his time or care? "Why not? We're still married, I still love you." Tony brushed a hand down her hair, suppressing his reaction when she flinched, and swallowed hard. Nothing was going to be the same now. "I was never so glad to see anyone as when that bag came off."

She sighed and tucked her hair back, moving out of his reach. "I do not think you want someone so broken. You do not have to keep any promises."

Tony flicked the switch off and Ziva shifted away from him, fear shimmering in her gaze. With a touch as gentle as he could manage, Tony lifted her left hand and dug into his pocket for the last thing of hers he had to hold onto. Ziva trembled violently so he stilled, waiting for her to realize he wasn't a threat. Then he tenderly slid first the diamond ring and then her wedding band into place and brought her hand to his lips to kiss them. They were loose on her finger, another reminder of how much weight she'd lost and how lucky he was that she was standing before him now.

"There will never be a day of my life when I do not want you in it Ziva David-DiNozzo. You're the reason I'm alive."

Understanding dawned on her face before he had to explain and Ziva unconsciously reached for him. Tony held out his arms and folded her into a careful embrace. It had been so long since Ziva was held this way, so lovingly, and Tony's actions brought out her first tears. Even though her whole body was sore and raw and aching, she was bruised and broken and only standing with her husband's support, Ziva clung to him, experiencing the first taste of safety since she'd stayed in Israel. For the first moment she didn't feel afraid.

"I am sorry Tony," she whispered through her tears. "I forgot who I could trust." Ziva pulled away to look in his eyes and laid her palm on his cheek. He leaned into her touch and looked close to crying himself. "I know you were only trying to protect me."

Tony rested his forehead on hers. "Ziva," he said softly. "I'm sorry for Michael, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry for everything that happened. I love you so much. Please give us another chance."

She nodded. "There is nowhere else I would rather be."

Reluctantly he released her and set the elevator back in motion, but their fingers tangled and his heart felt a bit lighter as they stepped outside. The drive home was silent and Tony kept looking at Ziva every chance he got, unconvinced that this was real. Finally she gave him a faint smile. "I am not going to disappear."

He stopped at a red light and swallowed. "Are you sure? Because I've had some pretty vivid dreams over the last month and they all end with you..." Tony couldn't finish the sentence.

Ziva squeezed his fingers reassuringly, then winced at the discomfort from bones that were still healing and withdrew her hand. "I do not know what is real anymore. But I have hoped very hard that this is not a dream." She fell silent, staring at her rings. "I am glad you kept them."

Tony didn't know what to say to that, so he clenched his jaw and concentrated on driving safely. Minutes later they arrived at the small bungalow that had been their home since their wedding. Ziva's eyes scanned the little house and she blinked back tears. Feeling pretty emotional himself, because by rights this day should never have happened, Tony got out and opened his wife's door, offering his hand. She accepted after staring at it for a long moment and they walked up the path together.

Outside the door Tony paused, trying to remember what state he'd left the house in, then unlocked it. Ziva stepped inside and took it all in. "You kept everything," she observed quietly.

His brow furrowed at the surprise in her voice. "Of course. Did you think I wouldn't?"

Ziva shrugged. "I was the one who walked away, you had no obligations."

Tony touched her shoulder gently. "You said a break Zi, you never asked me for a divorce. I wanted you to come back."

Struggling to accept something so foreign as his forgiveness, Ziva looked around. "It is very clean."

He shrugged. "Yeah, well, not so much until the mission got approved. You wouldn't have liked to see it before. I wanted things to be easy for whoever had to pack up." She shook her head, not quite picking up his logic, and Tony sighed. "I wasn't trying to come back Zi, a month thinking you were dead made me realize that I had no other reason to be alive."

Horror dawned on her expression. "You were going to let Saleem kill you."

"No," Tony shook his head. "I was going to kill Saleem and then I'd find a way to die in the line of fire once McGee was safe."

Ziva raised trembling fingers to his face. "I almost lost you."

Tony wrapped his hands around her upper arms, taking care to be gentle so he didn't scare her, and clenched his jaw. "And even then you acted like I was the last person alive that you wanted to see. Why Zi?"

Being reminded of that room suddenly made Ziva feel in urgent need of a shower and she pulled away from him. "I want to get clean," she whispered. "Please, let me go. I need to get them-that place off of me."

Tony released her but trailed his wife into the bathroom. He was there when she turned around and dragged his knuckles gently down her cheek. "Let me help." She shuddered at the thought as Tony slowly pushed the filthy tan shirt off her shoulders. She reacted violently, almost jumping away from him, and he held up his hands in surrender. "Easy Zi, easy. It's just me."

Ziva shook her head back and forth erratically. "No, no please. I do not...I do not want you to see me like this."

And right there he knew that was her answer for what she said in the camp too. He took a step towards her, then another, finally close enough to tip her chin up and press his lips to her forehead. It was barely the whisper of a touch because the desert had done a number of his skin too. "I love you Ziva, nothing you tell me, nothing I see is going to change that."

Her eyelids slid closed. "You do not know what they did."

Tony framed her face with his hands. "I know you're alive Ziva, that's all that matters."

She swallowed the words she wanted to scream about agony and shame and wishing for death because being alive was just too hard and slowly raised her arms. Tony lifted the black t-shirt over her head and his eyes fell to her torso, covered in mottled bruises and slash marks, layers of healing and new abuse almost impossible to distinguish from each other. His thumb brushed over her ribs, clearly visible under the skin. She'd lost weight, at least twenty pounds since he saw her last, probably more.

The questions begging to be asked were ones he wasn't sure he wanted to voice, but Tony had no choice. "Did they feed you?" he asked, unable to look away.

Ziva shrugged and kept her eyes fixed on the floor. "Often enough to keep me from starving to death. That would have been too easy."

He positioned his fingers on her pants' button and didn't know how to get the answer he needed. "Zi?"

She nodded once. "Yes." Giving any more details than that was beyond her, and Tony was afraid to push her right now. He didn't like the scenarios he was imagining, but his focus needed to be on his wife.

Tony jammed the heels of his hands into his eyes, feeling the incredible burden of guilt settle on his shoulders. "If I hadn't killed Michael-"

Ziva refused to let him blame himself and placed her hands on his chest. "You brought me back Tony. Look," she dipped her head to try and get him to look at her, "I am here."

He opened his eyes. "It's not fair, what you went through. It's just...not fair. You shouldn't've had to go through that again. Not again."

Ziva focused on the rug beneath their feet. "As a torture tactic it is useless. Saleem already knew I would tell them nothing. It was about power and control and humiliation and pain. When they violated me, it was to show me I was nothing. In that, at least, they succeeded."

Tony shook his head and forced her make eye contact. "That's where you're wrong Ziva. I'll tell you until you believe it - you are everything to me."

Tears shone in her eyes but his proud ninja would not let them fall this time. She put her hands over his and let him bring her pants to the ground. Feeling exposed, Ziva wrapped her arms around herself. Tony stripped to his boxers and tried to communicate everything with his gaze - that he loved her, that she was safe with him, that he needed her to let him do this. Holding out a hand, he waited. Ziva's bra and underwear joined the rest and she walked past him into the corner shower. Without even a word Tony joined her, squeezing a puddle of shampoo into his palm and working it through her tangled matted hair. Ziva stood beneath the hot spray to wash the suds away and he repeated the act five times until her scalp tingled and her hair finally began to feel clean. Three rounds of conditioner were combed into the wet waves and finally Ziva could draw her fingers through her hair without hitting a single snag.

Then came the body wash. Tony watched as Ziva squeezed an obscene amount on the bath puff and began scrubbing it roughly over her skin, completely unmindful of all the wounds her body bore. The water that flowed down the drain grew murky as layers of dirt and dried blood, sweat and tears were finally washed away. Her skin was starting to look pink when Tony finally put his hand over hers to stop the motion. Gently he kissed beside her eye, sure there were tears mixed in with the water streaming over her face. He took a cloth, loaded it up with soap and carefully began washing her body.

Turning her around, he started with Ziva's back, noting what looked like lash marks, some only just starting to heal. Tony was careful of her injuries where she had not been and tender in his ministrations. After each part he washed, he planted soft kisses on her skin and silent sobs shook Ziva because she did not deserve his care. Next her front, clenching his jaw at the dark bruises and knife marks until Ziva's hand came up to caress his face and she shook her head. Tony bent to do her legs and hesitated at the inflammation on her inner thighs, combined with thumb and finger shaped imprints. He looked up and shame filled Ziva's eyes. He didn't let her avoid his gaze and stood again to hold her close.

"Not your fault," he choked out, crying himself at the evidence of her pain and suffering, but thankful the water hid the tears. "You have nothing to be ashamed of."

She nodded, but it was clear Ziva didn't believe his words. Dropping a kiss on her shoulder, Tony started to leave so she could shave and attend to personal needs, but Ziva wobbled without his support and he immediately put his hands on her hips to steady her, feeling the sharp curve of the bone too clearly through her skin. She was still too weak to be standing on her own so Tony stayed to be silent support, then reached for their softest towels when the water shut off. He wrapped the first around Ziva and then moved behind her to rub the water from her hair. Ziva stood there, eyes closed, and head tilted to the side, letting her husband pamper her. When he finished a warm robe replaced the towel now dotted with light pink stains from where she'd rubbed so hard she'd reopened healing wounds, and they went to their room to get dressed. Tony had already laid out a long sleeved shirt and comfortable flannel pants and was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants himself. He waited until she was clothed before entering her space again, cradling her face in his hands.

"I thought I would never see you again. I didn't know a heart could break into so many pieces. Please," he whispered, drawing his lips over her cheekbone, "promise you won't leave me again."

Remembering the last time he asked her the same thing, Ziva reached up to put her arms around his neck even though movement right now came at a price. "I did not mean to live through it," she said into his ear. Her body shuddered with the memories and Tony's arms encircled her back, trying to keep her safe. "One hundred and fourteen days Tony, I do not know why I am still alive." Pulling back, Ziva brushed her fingers over his forehead and face, where evidence of the camp lay. "It would have been easier to die than it will be to heal."

His grip on her tightened and Ziva stifled a cry. Immediately Tony let go, but he took her hands, whispering an apology before he said his piece. "Don't wish that Zi, don't even think that. Honey, we need you, I need you. I don't know what healing will look like, but I promise I will be right here beside you for every step it takes."

Her eyes closed and she shook her head. "I went into that camp with only death in my heart. I do not deserve your loyalty or your love now."

Tony stared deep into her eyes. "Tell me you don't love me, tell me those rings mean nothing to you."

Ziva's mouth opened and closed, and she protected her rings with her right hand, as if he might try to take them from her finger. "I cannot."

"Then you deserve everything I can do and all my love. You're my wife Ziva. Four months away doesn't change that, and I will love you until my dying breath."

Tears gathered in her eyes and Ziva sagged against him, beyond exhausted from everything that had happened. Knowing she desperately needed sleep, Tony first sat her at the table and coached her through drinking half a glass of juice and swallowing several spoonfuls of chicken broth, as per the doctor's orders. When she finished, pushing the bowl away and shaking her head, Tony bent and lifted her into his arms, hating how light she was, hating the evidence of her captivity, and carried his wife to their bed. He lay her on top of the blankets and covered her with her favourite quilt. Kissing her cheek, he stood to leave but she reached for him. "Stay, please."

Not about to refuse any request or pass up any opportunity that let him be close to her, Tony nudged her more towards the center of the bed and slid in behind her. Ziva stiffened when his body molded against hers, but his arm resting over her waist seemed to bring reassurance and she relaxed. Leaning in, Tony breathed in the scent of his wife and closed his eyes, praying that when he woke up this would not be just one more dream.

_Replies to When the World Stopped Turning:_

_Kahlen Tavaal - Thank you :) lol...sorry about that, but I take tears as a compliment. It means the emotions are real and that's what I'm trying to do. That's very sweet of you to say. Thanks for reviewing! :) _

_mishka - thank you. I'm glad it made you feel what the characters were feeling, that's always my goal. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_LAR76 - I'm glad to hear that. Nope, definitely not finished there. We've got three parts left in this series and a long road to travel yet. That's exactly what S7 will be for T&Z, a season of healing together. I'm looking forward to it. Thank you for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome. Thank you for always being here :) I don't know if even T could've kept her from going, but I know he sure as heck wouldn't've let her leave alone. I hope so, I can't imagine NCIS without Z. My mom was saying yesterday that she's such a great character and she wants Cote to know what a good job she's doing. I am concerned about the last two episodes because at least her job will probably be at risk. I don't know if they can attack her citizenship or not, because I think after she's been naturalized she has all the same rights as someone who was actually born in the US? At least, I hope so. Oh good, I'm glad you looked that stuff up. I would hate for her to leave now so it's good to hear that it doesn't sound like she's planning to. Hopefully GG knows what a gem he has in Cote and they will be able to get her to sign on for a couple more seasons at least. I'll feel better when I know for sure, but that makes me relax a little now. Altho if they try to split up our team again in the season finale...I'm going to be writing a very strongly worded letter to the White Star Line :P_

_Thank you. Oh I know. T was totally breaking my heart. Huh, I never made the connection to Z in NA but I'm glad you did. Yeah, Vance was totally being a jerk, I'm glad Gibbs stood up for his agent. T just really needed somewhere to go when he's thinking about Z and need to talk to her, a picture and a goodbye message is better than nothing. lol...oh Aunt Nettie, even I can't argue with her. She wasn't supposed to be in this story for more than a few phone calls and video chats. Then when she and T were on the phone, all of a sudden she's getting on a plane to fly to DC and I'm thinking 'how did that happen?'. But I'm glad she came and I think she'll be good for him. Thanks so much for reviewing Sarah :)_

_Christie - I'm so sorry to hear about the love that you lost. I always hate it when the emotions in a story connect with something a reader has personally experienced. I supposed I'm glad to hear that the emotions were authentic, but I'm sorry it brought those back up for you. Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment :) ~Aliyah_

_Julia - Yeah, it was definitely sad. I'm glad it made you feel the emotions tho. lol...well, it's hard to argue with a stubborn, 76 year old Israeli lady. She wasn't actually supposed to show up in DC, but the next thing I knew she was on a plane and there was nothing I could do to stop her. She is awesome tho, I love her as a character. Gosh, T was breaking my heart all over the place in this one, poor guy. I don't know about Gibbs. I think he honestly believes they wouldn't break his rules. And it's not like people don't know T&Z are close, but the flirting and the eye sex and everything else has been normal behaviour for them the whole time they've worked together, so it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything going on behind the scenes. You and me both. The next part, unfortunately, is going very slow. But we're getting there. Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Emma - you're welcome, I'm glad you're enjoying them. haha...I didn't write all 60 pages the same day, I've been doing it a little bit at a time all week. My mom's doing better, thanks. Still some stuff to sort out, but better than she was. Oops, sorry about the horse flub. I love them, but apparently I don't know as much as I think I do. And honestly, I just like the word stallion :P I don't suppose we can call it creative license? I'll have to do my research better next time. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - I'm glad you liked it. Painful is probably an accurate description, poor T. Yeah, the ten thousand reasons are still sweet, just sad now. I'm not sure about G. He's pretty stubborn, pretty sure no one is going to break his rules. T&Z are best friends always flirting with something more. I wonder if he just doesn't want to look any closer than that? Relief may be awhile in coming, as things will be rocky while we navigate healing. Double Blind left me feeling very sad. I'm so mad at Z for betraying T and hurting him that way. I have no idea how she's going to make up for that. I think throwing that mess at them was unnecessary. And I'm not really looking forwar to the finale being a Gibbs' show. But I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for reviewing Sarah! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

For thirty-six hours Ziva slept like the dead. After twelve hours Tony woke to find it already the next morning. Just laying there holding his wife seemed too good to be true and he savoured every second. At fourteen hours he finally left their bed for something to eat, tucking the covers tight around Ziva, who moaned softly at the loss of his warmth. By mid-afternoon Tony called Director Vance and put in for some of his and Ziva's unused leave time.

"I don't think you can make that decision for Officer David," Vance began after hearing his request.

Tony sighed. "I hold Ziva's power of attorney, she's not fit to be making her own decisions right now. I'm not asking Director."

There must've been something in Tony's voice because Leon gave in. "Very well, we'll see you in two weeks. The MCRT could probably use a break from active duty."

"Thank you." He hung up and rubbed his face. The next call wouldn't go as smooth.

"Yeah, Gibbs."

"It's Tony."

"How is she?"

"Still sleeping."

"How long?"

Tony checked his watch. "About eighteen hours now."

There was silence, then, "You call for a reason DiNozzo?"

He cleared his throat. "Ziva and I are on leave, two weeks."

"Someone put you in charge?" Gibbs growled.

Tony fought to keep his tone neutral. "She's not just my partner. We need time." The weekend wasn't enough distance from Africa. They needed to get their marriage back on solid ground before they were spending their days with other people again.

"Trying to tell me something?" The bossman did not sound happy, not that he ever did, but this was a new level of ire and Tony lost whatever patience he had.

"No," he replied coldly. "It's none of your business." He hit the off button and set the phone down, tired of letting someone else's rules dictate their life. It was time he and Ziva made their own rules. Tony sighed. He wasn't really being fair. Gibbs had been supportive of the revenge-turned-rescue mission, he'd done his job with Saleem, and he'd saved their butts in that room, but the weight of carrying his and Ziva's secret was wearing on him and he was taking it out on anyone who got close enough.

The afternoon was spent listlessly watching movies and flipping channels. He wasn't hungry, not with everything he now knew. It wasn't until he got in the shower later in the evening that Tony felt the full realization of the last few days hit him and he fell to his knees, crying in relief and anger and guilt and deep hurt for everything that had happened. Under the pounding hot spray Tony sobbed until his chest ached, finally taking several shaky breaths and standing to wash thoroughly. Last night the focus had been on Ziva.

When Tony crawled back into bed with her, a full twenty-four hours had passed since she'd closed her eyes and he watched closely to make sure she was still breathing. The gentle rise and fall of her chest reassured him slightly and he slept facing her this time. Losing sight of Ziva was the hardest part, so he intertwined their fingers, keeping them together and hoping he'd know if she moved. Tony didn't want to risk letting go of her again.

**NCIS**

At seven am Tony awoke to sun streaming through the window. His stomach growled but he was reluctant to leave Ziva. After dozing on and off for two hours, Tony was immensely relieved when she finally started to stir. He drew his fingers lightly through her hair and Ziva smiled before opening her eyes. "That feels nice."

Tony scooted closer and lifted her hand to kiss her fingers. "Come lay on the couch with me and I'll do that for as long as you want."

She frowned at the worry in his eyes. "What is wrong?"

He sighed and rested his arm across her waist. "You were starting to scare me."

"How?" She didn't recall any dreams, least of all ones violent enough to concern him.

Tony's eyes searched her face, memorizing each feature again. "You've been sleeping for a day and a half Zi, I had to check to make sure you were still breathing."

"Oh." She looked uncertain. "I suppose I needed it. I have not felt this rested in months."

He chuckled. "I should hope so." One eyebrow rose. "Are you hungry? Can I get you anything?"

Ziva stretched and shook her head. "I would like to shower." Tony offered his hands to help her up and saw her to the bathroom door where she stopped him. "I can do this by myself."

Tony swallowed and nodded, afraid to be too far away in case she needed him. She wasn't all that steady on her feet yet and he liked to be where he could see her. "Okay. But if you need me, just yell."

Ziva turned to go in and closed the door behind her. Tony puttered around listening to the water running and got out things to make a simple breakfast when he heard the hair dryer turn on. He hadn't dared to touch any of Ziva's things, leaving them just as she had the day they flew to Israel. That had made it seem like she might walk in the door any day and forgive him. And after she died he couldn't bear to put them away and lose the reminders of her.

Tony smiled at his wife when she came out in a robe, a soft halo of brown waves framing her face. She disappeared into their room to change into yoga pants and an old hoody of his, returning just as Tony was splitting scrambled eggs between two plates. He buttered toast lightly and moved everything to the table along with two glasses of juice. Ziva sniffed the air almost as if the smell of food might not be real and moved slowly to sit down. When she just stared at the plate, Tony touched her arm. "Zi?"

She raised her eyes to his, then looked away. "It had been more...than a few days before you came. I do not know how my body will react to food."

Tony sighed. He did not need confirmation that his wife was starving. Was there anything else? "Just take it slow honey," he suggested, "eggs and toast are about as gentle food as you can get."

Hesitantly Ziva broke off a piece of toast and brought it to her lips. For the next half hour Tony watched as Ziva ate with painful slowness, clearly forcing herself not to gobble down everything in sight. She barely managed to finish the juice and have a few bites of eggs before declaring herself full and trying to smile bravely. Tony lost his appetite but made himself finish anyways. One of them had to be in semi-decent shape.

Ziva looked lost after that, so Tony took their dishes to the sink and led his wife to the couch. She blinked back tears to see that he'd put on _Sound of Music_ but stepped away, looking wary when he sat and suggested she lay down with her head in his lap. Catching on quickly, Tony covered his thighs with a silky purple throw pillow and Ziva swallowed, then curled up next to him, gingerly resting her head on the pillow. Her hand was cold resting on his leg so he pulled the fuzzy blanket off the back of the couch and tucked it around her, seeing the smile that touched her lips. Then, as promised, Tony ran his fingers through her hair over and over until he felt the tension slowly leave her body. They got to the end of _Pirates of the Caribbean_ before she rolled over and looked at him.

"Things will not be normal Tony, I am not the same woman you remember. And it may take...some time before I can be your wife again."

He understood what she was trying to say, but that was the last thing on his mind. Leaning down, he dropped feather light kisses on her eyelids. "I don't care if it takes months or years Ziva, I want you here with me, whatever that means."

Ziva sat up to put her arms around him, admitting weakness as she never would've done a couple years ago. "Good, because I do not think I can do this without you."

For a long time Tony didn't move because the simple act of holding his wife brought a lump to his throat that he could barely swallow past. He surrounded her frail body with careful arms and buried his face in her fresh smelling hair - lilacs and sunshine, just like he remembered. "I mourned you Ziva," Tony whispered hoarsely. "I thought you were dead, that I would spend the rest of my life alone when I should've been loving you. And it was my fault."

Ziva shook her head and pulled away, tears swimming in her eyes, to put her hands on his cheeks. "No Tony," she told him with great conviction, "no. Somalia was not your fault. Michael was not your fault." She brushed away a tear and continued. "Michael betrayed me, he used me. You only tried to protect me, and I am so sorry that I could not see the truth."

He closed his eyes. "Stop forgiving me Ziva. I let you go when I should've held on. It shouldn't be this easy."

Gentle fingers mapped the familiar contours of his face. "Have you not forgiven me for so much more yakiri? Let it be easy, please. For once let something between us be easy."

Tony nodded and tried to draw her close for a kiss, but Ziva braced her hands on his chest. "Not yet." His lips brushed her cheek instead and she relaxed.

"Don't let me rush you sweetheart, promise me. Everything with you is so natural that it might take me awhile to learn what's okay now."

Ziva looked at him seriously and moved her head ever so slightly. They agreed on _How To Train Your Dragon_ next and Tony lay down on the couch, suddenly exhausted even though he'd only been up for six hours. After a moment's thought Ziva joined him, nesting against her husband out of habit and sighing in the little contented way that made Tony grin, because after all they'd been through she was finally home.

**NCIS**

Soft snores from behind her before Hiccup and Toothless got their partnership working smoothly told Ziva he was asleep and she stopped paying attention to the movie and just listened to the sound of his breathing. After awhile she lifted his arm from around her waist and slowly sat up. Tony moaned and shifted a bit, so Ziva touched his cheek and immediately he settled, which made her smile. Getting to her feet, Ziva used the arm of the couch for balance and continued to the kitchen, taking in her house.

She touched countertops and appliances and took a grape out of the bag in the fridge just because she could. With a glass of juice in hand because she knew how important fluids were right now, Ziva walked into the office and ran her finger over the titles of her favourite books, saw the extra photos of she and Tony in frames scattered across both of their desks, and stood at the sliding doors to feel the sunshine on her face.

Ziva continued her tour, straightening the covers in their room, folding up the extra blanket, and quietly washing the few dishes in the sink. The spare room was her last stop and her brow furrowed at the collection of papers and trinkets. She bent down and picked up one of her own drawings, from a day when she was trying to capture the way sunlight looked filtering through the leaves of a tree in their backyard. "Tony," Ziva called, not thinking what the sound of her voice might do to him.

He woke with a start, his arm tightening out of reflex as if he still held her, and sat up in a panic when she wasn't there. "Ziva!"

"I am here." She tried to apologize with her eyes for making him worry. Tony made it to her in four long strides and his heartrate wasn't quite back to normal when he reached her side. "Sorry."

He rested his hand on her lower back and tried to swallow back his reaction enough to smile. "S'okay. Trust me, this is far better than all those times I woke up reaching for you and you weren't here to come to." Tony took a deep breath. "What's up?"

Ziva held out the paper. "Where did this come from?"

His eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, Nettie! Zi, we have to tell her you're alive." She nodded, equally shocked, as Tony ran for the phone and searched for recently dialed numbers. He motioned her to come close and tilted the phone so she could listen.

It rang three times and then a solemn voice answered. "Shalom?"

Covering his mouth for a moment, Tony somehow managed to get the words out. "Hello, Nettie?"

A cry of relief came through the line. "Oh Anthony, achyan you're alive! Oh thank God." Then he could almost picture her stern face falling into place. "How dare you make me worry like that?!" She made a frustrated noise and rattled off something in Hebrew that made Ziva hide a smile. "I ought to come back there and slap you silly for pulling such a stunt! Do you know what it did to me to get that letter? I should not have come back," Nettie lamented. "If I had stayed you would never have done something so foolish." Finally her tirade began to die down and she sighed. "I am glad you are alright. What happened?"

At last able to get a word in, Tony swallowed hard. "Just a minute, I've got someone here who wants to talk to you." He handed Ziva the phone and smiled encouragingly.

She took it with shaking hands and pressed the receiver to her ear. "Doda?"

He could hear her gasp of surprise and the tremble in her voice as if she couldn't believe her ears. "Ziva? My Zivaleh? How can this be?"

Ziva burst into tears at the sound of her aunt's voice and passed the phone back to Tony, who held out his arm so she could cry on his shoulder, if she wanted. Ziva tucked herself against his side and buried her face in his shirt, muffling the sounds. Tony swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "She's alive Doda, and that's a miracle I know I don't deserve."

"Toda," she whispered, "toda, toda," and Tony knew the old woman was not talking to him. "How?" Nettie demanded in the next breath. "Eli said...and you were told..."

He nodded, resting his cheek on Ziva's hair and rubbing her back gently. "I know, I know. That's why I had no hope. But Ziva wasn't on the ship when it sank."

Nettie's brow furrowed. "I don't understand. Where has she been all this time?"

Tony tightened his arm around Ziva's waist and her fingers curled into his shirt. He sighed. "That's where things get rough Doda. She was captured and held in a terror camp for four months."

"No," tears crowded the exclamation. "Oh no, not that, not again."

He dropped his head to Ziva's shoulder and tried to get control. "Among many other things," Tony answered tightly. "But remember that she's alive."

Nettie swallowed. "Can I speak to her?"

A quick check with Ziva elicited only a shake of her head and he sighed. "Not right now Doda, she just needs some time. We'll Skype you next week, okay? We're not due back to work until the twelfth of October."

As hard as it was to wait, Nettie was not surprised that her niece was feeling overwhelmed. "Alright," she agreed, "I won't ask any more. But please, put the phone to her ear for just a moment." Tony did as she asked and soft Hebrew words floated through the speaker. "_My darling, you do not have to say anything. I just want you to know I love you. I love you very much Zivaleh, please remember that. And I am so glad that you are back where you belong_. Shalom motek."

Tony took the phone back. "Thank you Doda, shalom."

"Whatever you do Anthony," Nettie warned, "never take a minute when she is breathing for granted. So many people never get the second chance you two have been given."

"I know, I won't," he promised, hanging up. Tony put the phone on the counter and cupped Ziva's face in his hands. "Are you okay?"

She sniffed and wiped her eyes, pushing him away. "No. I am not okay and maybe I never will be again. Why do you have those things Tony?"

He let out a breath. "Let's sit down." Ziva looked in the direction of the office and Tony took the hint. He led them to the comfy corner chair and sat, getting comfortable so Ziva could settle on his lap. She did, but without relaxing, wanting answers. Tony tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "You know how much I need you, right?" She nodded. "And how much I love you?" Another nod. He swallowed. "When Gibbs told me there were no survivors from the Domacles, I thought my life was over. I cried more than I ever have before, and I was lonely, so lonely without you Zi." She rested her palm over his heart and listened. "Nettie called less than a week later and realized I was pretty close to the edge. She volunteered to come and stay, and brought me a suitcase of things from your childhood."

Her brow furrowed. "Aunt Nettie...was here?"

Tony nodded. "Yeah, for two weeks. She filled the freezer with home cooked meals, tried to make me eat, kept up with the cleaning and grocery shopping." He played with her rings. "We talked about you lot. I gave her the DC grand tour, we gardened together. She's really great."

Ziva rubbed her forehead. "I cannot believe she came. What did she tell my father?"

He shrugged. "Nothing as far as I know. She stopped speaking to him after he gave her the news. I doubt she will ever forgive him for sending you on that mission."

She stared at their promise in gold bands on her finger. "Does anyone know yet?"

Tony leaned his head back. "I didn't say anything, if that's what you're asking. It didn't seem right when we wanted to keep the secret." His stomach growled and he looked at her. "Ready to try that eating thing again?"

Ziva folded her hands delicately. "Maybe just some fruit."

"You're sure you don't want more?" Losing her was still too close for him to be at ease about something like her minimal food intake.

"It is probably...a good idea to start slow." That's what they'd told her in the field hospital, but this was not the first time and she knew what to do.

He could tell she was uncomfortable and kissed her cheek. "Okay babe, one fabulous fruit platter coming up."

Ziva sat in her chair waiting while Tony carefully sliced an apple, orange, nectarine, banana and the last pear, positioning them as fancy as he could manage on a large plate. She smiled at his attempt and they dug into their different dinner fare. He watched her across the table while she nibbled on a piece of this and a chunk of that, occasionally sipping at the milk by her plate. It was a painful process and Tony couldn't help but notice that she drank more liquid than she ate actual food, fueling his resolve to go shopping in the very near future and pick up a bunch of soft and easy to digest foods, along with lots of juice and smoothie ingredients. Strawberry mango might entice her to put something more in her stomach.

At last Ziva sat back and smiled faintly. "Thank you Tony."

He reached for her hand, concerned about the dark circles under her eyes. "No need to thank me honey, I like taking care of you." Tony raised an eyebrow. "Tired?"

She nodded. "Yes. Even though it has not been very long."

Only nine hours since she got up but it felt like they'd put in a full day's work. "That's okay. I'm sure you've got months to catch up on."

Her gaze shadowed. "Yes."

Tony wished he'd never brought it up. "Well, there's no one to tell us what to do for two weeks, so let's go." He'd do whatever she wanted, even go to bed at supper time.

Ziva balked. "You do not have to just because I am."

He gave her a half-grin. "Zi, right now I'm having a really hard time letting you out of my sight. Waking up to an empty bed still scares the crap out of me. Please let me stay close for awhile, okay?"

Ziva bit her lip and sighed. "Okay."

They got ready for bed, brushing their teeth - something Ziva discovered she had to be careful with because after so long she'd made her gums bleed last night - and turning off lights before going to their room. She reached for the pyjamas she'd worn before and glanced at Tony. "Please do not...look."

He opened his mouth to tell her that he'd seen her naked two nights ago, but remembered his promise to learn what was okay for her now. "Need me to leave?"

Ziva shook her head. "No. Just change on your own side."

Tony did as directed and stood staring at his wife across their bed. He hesitated, then forced himself to be the man she needed. "If it makes you uncomfortable sweetheart, I can stay in the spare room for awhile."

She crossed her arms, frustrated by the things she could not control. "No. I do not want to be afraid to be close to you." Her eyes flitted around the room. "You have always been able to make me feel safe Tony, and I...need that right now. But it is...hard to remember that normal is alright."

Tony made the first move, getting into bed and laying squarely on his side. He smiled invitingly and waited until Ziva folded back the covers and crawled in. "Tell me how close is okay babe, I won't touch you unless you ask."

She swallowed and hesitantly reached for his arm, pulling him with her when she rolled on her side. "Here," Ziva shared in a whisper, "I want you right here."

He slid his arm around her waist in a protective hold, his head fitting between her neck and shoulder. "Too much?" Tony asked, almost in heaven being able to lay with her like that, a position he had come so close to losing forever.

Her head moved slightly and she reached a hand back to brush his freshly shaved cheek. "No. I like to feel your breath on my skin. It is familiar."

"Guess there wasn't much of that this summer, huh?" Tony didn't want to pry, but neither did he want her to push the experience away like it never happened.

She stiffened slightly and he waited a long time before Ziva spoke. "I did not think I would ever sleep in a bed again."

He nuzzled her shoulder, afraid to get an answer to his next question. "Did you ever get close to dying?"

Ziva let out a shuddering breath. "More times than I can count. I wanted it so badly, but I knew I deserved to be there for giving up on everyone so easily." She put her hand over his. "I am so sorry for what I said that day Tony. Often that was the only thing I could remember - that you said you loved me and I just walked away."

Tony swallowed. "There was an old message on the phone from your Israel trip. I listened to it every day just to hear your voice, to hear you saying you loved and missed me."

Tears slipped down her face. "I never thought we would be together like this again. I have missed you for so long."

"Hey," Tony kissed them away. "We shouldn't be together Zi, but we are, and I've never been more thankful for anything in my whole life." He tightened his grip on her a bit and Ziva made a noise like it hurt. Tony immediately let go and propped himself up as she pressed a hand to her ribs. He couldn't ignore the pain in her eyes. "What did I do?"

She shook her head and took shallow breaths until it eased, moving to her back. Ziva bravely put on a smile for her husband. "They are only bruised."

"Only?" His eyebrows rose and he touched her face tentatively.

"You will not want to hear this Tony, but the way I feel now is a hundred times better than my first months in the camp."

Tony swallowed. "Are you always in pain?"

She nodded. "There are days I wonder if I will ever not be."

His brow furrowed. "What hurts?"

Ziva shrugged one shoulder gingerly. "Nearly everything. My back, my ribs, fingers, wrists, legs, feet. Broken bones have not always been quick to heal. The light bothers my eyes and there is an ache in my head that will not go away." She traced his ring with great focus. "Inside it hurts too. My body took a lot of punishment from them. Perhaps nothing will ever feel right again, I do not know."

Tony pressed his lips to her forehead. "We should take you to the doctor. Those guys at the field hospital could only do so much."

She closed her eyes. "It is too hard to think. I do not want to talk about that now."

He didn't like leaving the issue, but there was enough of the old Ziva left that Tony figured it would be good not to argue with her. He lay back down and slid his fingers between hers. "This okay?"

Ziva was already drifting off. "Mmhmm," she murmured and Tony had to smile a bit. Sleepy Ziva noises were just another of the thousand tiny things he'd missed while she was away.

"Goodnight," he whispered, getting comfortable. "I love you." Tony wanted to make sure his wife heard those words every day from now until forever, but she would never know how good it felt for him to say them to her face instead of to her picture.

_Replies:_

_MB - Thank you, I'm so glad to hear that. haha...I'm happy when people gush, it makes me smile. I love that you've been able to feel the emotions, that's one of my main goal is that you experience everything with the characters. Thank you, it's nice to know that you've been following everything. I can't really take credit for the ideas, God's been pretty awesome to bless me with the inspiration when I write and I love being able to do it here. Thanks for thinking of my mom, she thought you guys were all sweet for being concerned. You're very welcome. Thank you for such a lovely and thoughtful review :) ~Aliyah_

_Julia - thank you :) The reunion is a huge step, and if they talk little by little they might just make it through without too many bumps and bruises. In this story especially I can't see Tony relinquishing his partnership rights, and his unknown husband rights, by letting G take responsibility for Z. If it came down to it, T probably would've told them everything if it meant he got to take her home with him. Gibbs wouldn't've stood a chance. Thank you. I'm really glad to hear it isn't reminding you of RofS because I don't want anyone to feel like they've heard this story before. Thanks so much for the review! :)_

_alynthea (SMH 94) - it's always hard to reply to reviews left on a finished story, but I'm glad you said something because now I know you'll actually see this. Thank you :) I can't believe you read it all in a week, that is a long series! You're very sweet to say so, I'm glad you like my writing. Unfortunately I don't have a pdf version for any of my stories. I'm not opposed at all if people want to print them off, and I know some people have, but that's really the best I can do, sorry. haha...I'd love to publish it too, but I don't want to break any rules. It's enough to know that you guys think it's good. Your favourite? Wow, I'm totally honoured, thank you. I'm glad to have you along for the ride :)_

_alynthea (Aftermath1) - thank you. I'm always glad to hear that people enjoy my stories. My concern is that there will be similarities between this and RofS, but I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. I'm glad you're looking forward to more, so far I'm estimating at about 10-12 chapters for this part. Thank you for reviewing! :)_

_ADR1989 - Hi! No worries, I'm always glad to hear from you whenever that works out. Yeah, heartbreaking may be the one word to sum up what T went through without her. I'm glad she's back too but I wouldn't expect smooth sailing as far as healing goes. It can be very unpredictable. Thanks for thinking of and praying for my mom. We appreciate it very much. And thank you as well for the review :)_

_Lindysi - lol...sorry, can't for a couple reasons. First it's not done yet. And second, if I did, you'd have to wait a couple weeks until I had anything else ready to put up. But I'm really glad you're enjoying it, thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) I hope things work out too. I admire their united front resigning together, but I think G probably won't like it and Abby will likely pitch a fit, but I hope we get to see at least some of their summer. I'm glad you liked the chapter. No, it's not going to be easy, not by a long shot. Unconditional love and forgiveness, that's a good way to look at it. Aw, thanks. I liked the ring part too. Glad you liked the elevator stuff. Thanks for reviewing! :) PS. Thanks for the Cote link. FF doesn't actually let you post full links. You have to do .come. Taking out the punctuation is the best way to do it. I'm still waiting for the word to be official, there's a couple rumours floating around today but nothing from CBS yet..._

_Guest (A1) - Hi! Thank you. Aw, that's so sweet of you to say. I'm super glad you liked RofS. I put a year and a half of my life into that series and I consider it some of my best work. I'm glad you're enjoying this series as well. haha...well, try not to get your hopes up. Updates are currently twice a week until I get a little bit more done. Probably for next week it will be Mon/Thurs. Thanks for reviewing! :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I told a couple people updates were going to be Mon/Thurs this week, but Sun/Thurs actually works better with my schedule. Thank you all so much for the amazing response to this part of the story so far. There is so much ahead of us and I'm super excited to share it with you! Hope everyone is having a great weekend (or in Canada a great long weekend) and again, thank you :)_

_PS. If anyone reading this is a devoted follower of NCIS LA and a huge Densi fan, please PM me so I have someone to freak out with over the finale :) Thanks!_

Ziva left their bed at dawn and shuffled stiffly into the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea. The everyday routine was soothing, something she'd missed, and her first taste of the hot beverage drew a smile. Tea reminded her of Israel and Aunt Nettie and sharing secrets of the heart late at night when there was no one else to hear. Ziva settled in the corner office chair, grateful for the softness, and watched the sun slowly rise over the roof of the house behind them. She knew she should probably go check on Tony so he didn't freak out when he woke up and she wasn't there, but Ziva desperately needed five minutes to herself when he wasn't watching or wondering or trying to figure out how to help.

His quiet voice from the doorway half an hour later brought her head up and Tony leaned against the door frame. "I would've made you tea if you'd asked."

She traced the rim of her mug. "Some things, maybe a lot of things, I will want to do by myself for awhile. It is a luxury that I can." Tony nodded and Ziva's brow furrowed. "I thought you would worry when I was gone."

His lips curved in a half-grin. "I would've if I didn't notice you leaving." Her expression said she didn't believe him, not the way she was trained, and Tony shrugged. "I'm a little sensitive to you right now Zi, kinda the way your reflexes were after the Hoffman case." She remembered. "It's actually taking a lot to stay here when all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and never let go. But uh...I don't want to crowd you." His fear was that every day would be different, no consistency in how she acted around him or responded to his presence.

Ziva set the empty cup aside and walked slowly to him, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Good morning."

Tony cupped her cheek, caressing the skin gently with his thumb. "Boker tov yafa." That got her smiling and he tried to look hopeful. "Can I hug you?" She nodded, so he enveloped her in a careful embrace, resting his cheek on her hair. "Hi." _Good morning beautiful._

Ziva stepped back before he was really ready for it to be over and looked at him thoughtfully. "Let us do something outside today."

The 'us' had him feeling like maybe they would be able to fall back into place with very little trouble and Tony considered her request, raising an eyebrow when the idea popped into his head. "You up for a drive to Maryland? I'm sure Jules really missed you the last few months."

Her eyes lit up. "Oh, yes." Then the joy faded. "But I do not think I have the strength to brush her."

Tony tipped her chin up. "Hey, just hang out with her, okay? I can do the rest." She thanked him without a word and moved to their room to change.

By the time they had breakfast and left it was almost mid-morning and much as Tony loved to have Ziva in the front seat beside him, he was worried. He worried over the glass of orange juice and half an apple she called the first meal of the day. He worried about how quiet she was, much more so than before. And he worried about them, wondering if they would be able to fix everything that had brought them to the point of separation in the first place. But for now, in hopes of a few hours of peace, Tony kept all those thoughts to himself.

They pulled into the long gravel driveway just over an hour after leaving DC and Tony parked in one of the marked spaces. He got out and held the door for Ziva, offering his hand. It wasn't until she stood that he realized something was missing. His index finger traced the spot below her throat. "Your necklace."

She flinched and closed her eyes. "Gone," she whispered, remembering her words on the ship. She hadn't died and still her Star of David had been taken off.

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It was from Ima for my bat mitzvah, though she died before she got to see me wear it." A tear escaped the corner of her eye and Ziva brushed the wetness away. "It was just a necklace."

Tony shook his head. "No, it's wasn't." The gold chain and pendant represented her culture, her faith, her past. It reminded her of where she was from, and took her back to the love she had known as a child whenever she held it in her hand. To see her without it was wrong. He let out a breath, then closed the door and slung his arm around her waist. "Come on, you've got a friend to see."

Grateful that he understood and also because he wasn't making a big deal out of it, Ziva walked with him, their strides matching as they casually strolled towards the barn. The couple slowed their steps at the entrance and headed for the first two stalls on the left that housed their favourite horses Jax and Jules, who were brother and sister. "Hey boy," Tony greeted Jax when the stallion stuck his head over the door. He rubbed the horse's black neck and turned to watch Ziva. She rested her arms on the bottom half of the door and peered in.

"Hello Jules," she said quietly. With a soft whicker the mare stepped forward and pushed her nose into Ziva's chest. Tony was right behind his wife to steady her and Ziva smiled back at him before rubbing Jules' velvety muzzle. "I have missed you Yafa. Always such a good girl, hmm?" She fell into Hebrew then and Tony kissed the back of her head.

"I'll be right back. Wait for me before you do anything, please?" He couldn't risk her getting hurt any more. Ziva nodded, taking a moment to say hello and pet Jax too, who was pushed right against the door with his neck stretched out, begging for her attention.

Tony left, walking quickly to the office to pay for both of them and get dibs on the horses before anyone else asked for them. The receptionist smiled when he entered. "Mr. DiNozzo, we haven't seen you for awhile. I'm glad you're back. Jax will be happy to see you."

He gave her a half-grin. "My wife's here too." How he loved saying those words. Ziva was here and against all odds she still wanted to belong with him.

Her eyebrows rose in surprise. "Really? That's wonderful. I was beginning to think she wouldn't return at all."

Tony nodded. "Yeah, me too. But I'm glad she came today."

The receptionist handed him the credit card slip and smiled. "Enjoy your horses. It's a lovely day for a trail ride."

"Thank you." He hurried back to the barn, relieved to find Ziva right where he left her. Tony smiled. "Want to go in?"

Ziva was more relaxed than he'd seen her since they came home. She reached for the sliding lock and opened the door slowly, going right up to Jules and giving her a hug. Tony got the curry comb from the bucket and put it in Ziva's hand. Her brow furrowed. "No Tony, I cannot-"

A finger to her lips cut off the protest and he stood with his chest to her back, taking her hand in his and pushing it slowly across Jules' broad back. Using his muscles and not hers, Tony helped his wife curry and brush her horse. After far too short a time she let her arm drop and simply rested against him while he finished. Jules turned her head and nuzzled Ziva and she placed her hands on the horse's face, kissing her soft nose and whispering 'I love you'. Tony found it annoying to be jealous of an animal, because though she wore his rings, shared his bed, and allowed his touch and brief shows of affection, even reciprocating with some of her own, in the three days since they brought her home Ziva hadn't once said she loved him and Tony desperately wanted to hear her mean those words again.

In no condition to take Jules out, Ziva settled for the time, untangling bits of her mane while Tony worked on Jax, his low voice making it to her ears even though she couldn't understand what he was telling the horse. After a couple hours Ziva was tiring, so he gently led her away from the animals, promising they'd be back. She fell asleep in the car on their way to DC and Tony just held her hand and looked at her every chance he got.

At the house he woke her, unable to figure out another way to move her. He doubted she'd allow him to carry her right now even if it was possible. Ziva managed a coherent enough state to stumble inside with his support, but she made a beeline for their room and curled up in the middle of the bed, slipping quickly back into her nap. For a long time Tony sat beside his wife, stroking her hair and running his fingers over hers. Finally he dropped a kiss on her forehead and left, closing the door behind him.

Unable to hold still Tony paced back and forth across the length of their house, trying to come to grips with what had happened. Life at this moment was completely different than a week ago when he was on a revenge mission in Africa. Ziva was alive. It was a miracle, something he wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell passerby on the street. She was alive. He flopped down on the couch thinking about the reality of that truth.

Ziva was alive and she was home. They were still married, still together. But Israel had happened for a reason and now they had not only the hurdle of broken trust to overcome, but everything she'd suffered over the summer as well. Tony sat forward and propped his elbows on his knees, thinking. If only it could be as easy as starting again like the Michael fiasco had never happened, but some things were too important to sweep under the rug and ignore.

He stayed in that position until Ziva came out, feeling a bit foggy but not wanting to be in their room alone. Tony looked up when she joined him, sitting close but not touching. "Hi."

Ziva tucked some hair behind her ear. "You were thinking very loudly. Is something wrong?"

Tony forced a smile. "Things are more right than they've been in four and a half months."

She studied his eyes. "But there is much you are not saying. Are you angry with me?"

He took longer to answer than she would've preferred. Finally he sighed. "I don't think so. I mean, I'm sure a part of me was angry when you died because you promised never to leave and you did. But I was more hurt than mad when you broke that promise in Israel." Tony reached for her hand. "I'm happy you're home honey, because that was all I wanted, that and a chance to work things out. Just focus on getting better okay? The rest we can worry about later."

Ziva pulled away from him. "I can never make up for what I did, and perhaps you will never believe me if I make the same promise again someday."

"I don't need you to make up for it Ziva, but eventually I want you to tell me why you did and said those things." He probably wasn't explaining any of it properly and Tony didn't want to burden her with everything in his head when she'd been back less than a week. He stood up. "Come on. We missed lunch again so supper is definitely mandatory."

She stared at her broken nails. "I wish we did not have to talk about the things that hurt."

Tony knelt in front of her. "It's the only way to not make the same mistakes again. We'll work it out babe, however long it takes. Don't worry."

Easier said than done, but Ziva still followed him to the kitchen and sat at the table while he warmed something from the collection in the freezer. He set a steaming dish in front of her and Ziva tried a cautious spoonful, smiling faintly. "Cholet."

Tony chuckled. "I learned a lot about Israeli food while Nettie was here. You're gonna have to teach me how to make some of that stuff. You weren't kidding about her cooking."

The time between bites was long enough for Tony to have two or three, but not everything settled well and her stomach was much smaller than normal from living in a state of starvation for so long. "Did you have a favourite?"

He swallowed. "That sh-shack..uh, the poached eggs and tomato sauce dish."

Ziva laughed at his pronunciation attempts and Tony relished the sound, even if it was at his expense. "Shakshuka. I have not tasted that in years."

"The homemade pitas were pretty fabulous too," he shared. "I got spoiled."

She looked him over. "It does not appear as if you ate much of what Aunt Nettie made."

Tony glanced down at his midsection. "Hard to be hungry when you've lost everything. But my not eating was by choice. How long are you going to pick at food like a bird?"

Ziva set her spoon aside. "It is not so easy to go from eating occasionally to having food readily available." She slid her hands between her knees. "Neither is it without challenge to go from being ready to die to trying to live." At the fear in his expression she elaborated. "I do not regret being alive to be rescued, but it is hard because I do not have a place in this life any more. I am no longer Mossad and I do not know if NCIS will want me back or if that is even possible. I have never not had a purpose before. To be without a mission is...something I do not know how to handle."

He held his hand out palm up for her to take and she a did so without hesitation. "Ziva, I hope you know that you have a very important place in my life. I don't even know who I am without you. And I realize that doesn't fix anything, but you mean the world to me." Tony kissed the tips of her fingers, letting his words sink in.

Ziva smiled a bit, though her eyes sadly conveyed that she was not worthy of the depth of his feelings and did not deserve any of the promises he wanted to make. She drifted away from him after that, slipping silent as a ghost through this room and that while Tony put on a movie he barely watched because his eyes were constantly seeking her out. Ziva went to bed early and he let her hide, gave her the space she was practically demanding, and made himself lay down without touching her later. She was back but not really here, and Tony wondered with great trepidation if the Ziva he knew and loved really had died out there in the desert. He had to decide if he could live with never getting her back.

**NCIS**

The following morning Ziva woke slowly and sighed, her hand sliding to the other side of the bed, seeking the comfort of her husband's touch and the reassurance of his presence. If he lay next to her then she could be sure this really wasn't a dream. But only empty flat sheets met her search and Ziva sat up fast, wincing when the movement jarred her slowly healing body. She glanced around the room as if Tony might be hiding in a corner and tears filled her eyes before she saw the note on his pillow.

_Zi - gone to store. Back by ten. Love you - T_. Clutching the note to her heart, Ziva dabbed at her damp cheeks with the sheet and felt relief flood her. He hadn't touched her last night after their talk, not once, and he hadn't held her while they slept. For Tony to be so close and keep his hands to himself meant something was wrong. But everything was wrong at the moment, so it was hard to pinpoint exactly what was bothering him. She knew this could not be easy on him, to watch what she was like now.

A glance at the clock showed it to be eight twenty-five, so there was plenty of time before her husband returned. Ziva got up and took a long hot shower, something she still feared not being able to have after four months in the desert when bathing was a rare occurrence. She pampered herself with all the extras and dressed in comfortable clothes - yoga pants and a t-shirt. Ziva frowned at the state of her feet and immediately opened a drawer beside the sink and sat down to give herself a simple pedicure.

After rough edges had been smoothed, nails filed, and cream rubbed all over, Ziva chose a sparkly turquoise shade of polish and carefully applied it to each nail. Her hand was a bit unsteady, the position fatiguing, and she made enough of a mess that she felt like a little girl trying something for the first time, but with a little bit of remover to touch things up she was very pleased with the result. So much so in fact that she picked out a light pink bottle called 'Pearl' and repeated the process for her hands. In the end Ziva actually smiled, because even with the dark bruises and scars on her wrists from being confined with rope or handcuffs every single day of her captivity, the nail polish made her feel human again, maybe even pretty, and for six days after being rescued that was no small feat.

It was nearing ten am when Ziva finished her light breakfast of orange juice and toast with jam and, drawn by the sunshine filtering through half closed blinds, wandered out to the backyard. She stood on the deck with her face lifted to the sky and arms spread out, taking deep breaths of fresh air and thinking how good it felt to be free. Anxious for a look at her flowers, Ziva went to the garden along the back fence and knelt in the grass. The first thing to catch her eye was a plaque mounted on a stone and her heart sped up as Ziva recognized her own picture there, and beside it a handful of words.

_Ziva Miriam David_

_November 12 1982 - May 28 2009_

_Beloved Wife. Soulmate. Best Friend._

_Zi, I will miss you every day._

_I love you always - Tony_

Her breath caught and the tears were falling down her face before she even recognized that she was crying, her heart breaking to finally see what it meant when Tony told her he had mourned her as dead. Dried, dead flowers sat in the vase in front of the stone, but it was the folded papers in the little clear box that got her attention. Slowly Ziva reached inside and opened them one at a time to read. Her husband's pain and anguish, his deep loneliness and regret came across clearly in each word, each promise, each reason he gave for loving her, marrying her, wanting her in his life. And it was too much. Too much when she had only just returned. Too much when the summer crowded all around her no matter how hard she tried to block it out. Too much when all she could see was the insurmountable odds against them every being truly happy again. She hunched over around the crumpled papers pressed to her chest and cried great heaving sobs for everything that never should have happened.

**NCIS**

Tony got home shortly after ten, humming as he brought in three trips worth of groceries and quietly stored everything in the kitchen. He walked softly to their room, intending just to check on Ziva, but his pulse skyrocketed in a blind panic when she wasn't there. He raced through the remaining empty rooms, berating himself for going out. He never should have gone to the store, he never should've left her alone, not so soon.

Suddenly it occurred to him to check the backyard and when Tony saw her sitting on the grass, relief filled him and the panic eased. He ran out to join her, grateful beyond words that her being back was not just another nightmare. "Ziva!" he yelled and she jerked upright, the sound as well as his sudden movement startling her. The fear in her eyes had him slowing his steps and he lowered himself beside her. "Thank God," he whispered, then noticed the dried tear tracks on her cheeks and lifted a hand to her face, frowning. "What's wrong?" Ziva shook her head and pointed at the plaque. Tony looked down and sighed. "Oh yeah. Forgot about that."

"Why?" she asked, the pain in her voice hurting his heart.

He swallowed. "Because I never got to bury you and I wanted some place to bring flowers. I wanted something that would remind people you lived and you were here and how much you meant to me."

Ziva stared silently at what amounted to her gravestone and Tony started to move it, to get rid of the reminder of all they'd almost lost. But Ziva put her hand on his arm. "No. Leave it."

His eyebrows drew together in concern. "Zi?"

Ziva pointed to the date. "It is true that I died out there in the desert. Things can never be the same as they once were." Graceful fingers followed the letters of her name. "That woman no longer exists. I have made my decision and it will be official on all of my new documents - Ziva David-DiNozzo. I am part of you and I want others to know."

Pride filled his eyes. He'd waited so long for this moment. "The team?"

Ziva sat back and thought about it for a couple minutes. "Not yet," she said at last. "Not while I do not know my place at NCIS. I do not want to jar the boat when Gibbs seems unsure of me, when nothing is back to normal." She shrugged. "There is no rush, is there?"

Tony shook his head. "I've got you back Zi, that's all that matters now. We'll tell or we won't, but as long as you're here, alive and within reach, I don't care about the details."

Her smile proved his answer to be the right one and Ziva leaned forward slowly, hesitantly touching her lips to his. Tony had to force himself not to move, not to breath, not to do anything except feel the gentle pressure of her mouth. She'd kissed him and that was enough to leave him speechless. She pulled back, resting her forehead on his chin. He brushed his lips over the skin in thanks and waited. "I love you Tony," Ziva whispered. "I was sure of that above all else when I knew I would die in that desert. I love you and I do not ever want you to have to doubt that again."

Tony swallowed hard and folded his arms around her. "That's the best gift you could give me next to being alive honey," he finally managed, half-afraid the last few moments had been a dream. He released her slowly, staring into her eyes. "Can we try that again?"

Her smile was a glimmer. "If you kiss me back."

He took Ziva's face in his hands and breathed her name onto her lips, his mouth covering hers carefully, almost reverently. The first kiss was the sweetest one Tony could remember them sharing, the way she responded enough to bring tears to his eyes. Stopping at one wasn't even a possibility and a second began, deeper as he tried to re-memorize the way their lips fit together and how she softened under his touch.

Ziva broke away abruptly before Tony could do any more and put her fingers over his mouth. She was breathing hard. "Tony, slow, please slow."

He forced his eyes open and nodded once. "Sorry babe. I've just...really missed being able to connect with you like that."

Her dark gaze was serious. "I know. And I do not know how to explain what is in my head. But I have not been touched without it hurting in months, every bit of contact was a threat. And though sometimes I ache for you and the way we used to be...I cannot handle any more than this." Ziva looked down at her hands. "I know it has been four months apart, but I need your patience now more than ever ahava, please."

She'd called him 'love' and they were going to be okay. Tony kissed her temple. "You've got it," he whispered hoarsely into her hair. His hand found hers and he held it up, the corners of his lips curving. "You're wearing nail polish."

She bit her lip. "I needed to feel pretty, to feel like a woman again. I have been a prisoner and a victim and a...slave for too long."

He did his best to ignore the last part, knowing innately that Ziva was not ready to go into detail about any of her captivity yet, let alone that. The ringing of his phone rudely interrupted their moment and Tony flipped it open in frustration. "DiNozzo."

"Got her medical file from the field hospital," Gibbs began without preamble. "She needs to see a doctor once a week to track healing injuries, and be monitored for infections, and to check on her eating. Duck can come to your place."

"No!" Tony cut in quickly, then amended his tone. "No, it's fine. We'll go to him. I'm sure a change of scenery would do her good."

"Now DiNozzo," their boss ordered, hanging up.

Tony sighed and closed the phone. "Gibbs," he explained.

Her brow furrowed. "Why?"

"Orders. Weekly doctor's visits starting today. Ducky is waiting."

Ziva shivered at the thought and her eyes slid shut. "No."

Tony tipped up her chin. "Not a request," he said softly. "But I don't think it's a bad idea." He surveyed her attire. "How do we explain you having clothes when they supposedly all burned with your apartment?"

"Extras from my locker that you cleaned out. Go bag from my trunk," Ziva answered immediately. "Though I doubt he will ask."

Tony stood and reached for her. "We better go."

Ziva complied, unwillingness clear in her movements. When they got to the front door she stared blankly at the choices of shoes and her own bare feet. Consternation gripped her features. "Do I have sandals?" she asked in a small voice.

Wondering if culture shock was beginning to set in, Tony pushed her down gently to sit on the bench. "I'll get them," he offered, finding in their closet an old worn pair he remembered her loving. He knelt to slip them on his wife's feet and gave her a half-grin. "Not exactly my first choice for an outing, but it'll get you out of the house."

Ziva wasn't sure she was ready to be out of the house. The barn was one thing, where the horses brought her solace just by being there; but being with other people, rejoining the living world if only for a little while, was something else entirely and felt extremely overwhelming. Because of that her enthusiasm was lacking and silence filled the car during the drive to Mallard Manor. Ducky answered the door before Tony could ring the bell and regarded them solemnly.

"Come in my dear, please." He led the way to an empty first floor bedroom that now looked like a simpler version of a hospital room. Ducky gestured for Ziva to take a seat on the bed and smiled. "Well now, let's get started, shall we?" She cut her eyes to Tony and he nodded as if she'd spoken.

"Of course. Tony, I believe you will find something to occupy your mind in the library. Ziva and I have a few things to discuss and then you may have your partner back."

Tony's expression was pained at being excluded, but now was not the right time to be pulling the husband card. He left, closing the door behind him, and Ziva visibly relaxed. "Thank you Doctor. It is...hard to concentrate when he is always worrying about me."

Ducky chuckled. "I hope he isn't smothering you."

Ziva shrugged one shoulder. "No. But things are not easy between us yet. There is much I need to make amends for."

The older man tied a rubber tube around her bicep after rolling her sleeve up and prepared to take blood. "If he tries your patience, do your best to remember what he put himself through after we were told of your death. Tony took all the blame for what kept you in Israel. He cares for you very deeply."

She sighed. "I know."

Once he had the vials he needed for testing, Ducky studied her. "I need to examine your injuries Ziva. Can you remove your shirt and lie back?" Ziva clearly struggled with his request but finally did as asked, keeping her eyes tightly shut. Ducky put gentle pressure on her ribs and she bit her lip. He shook his head. "Now is not the time to play the soldier my dear. Please look at me. Tell me exactly what hurts and how much. It's important that I know."

The list of injuries he catalogued while also collecting samples to screen for infections and any number of other things was extensive, and it gave him no comfort to hear that her current state was the best she'd been since setting foot in the camp. The damage to the lower half of her body was less, though her feet did concern the doctor, but as she was walking unaided there was little he could do except wait for time to repair the harm she had suffered. Once she redressed, Ducky sat beside her. "How is your eating?"

Ziva studied the floor. "Slow. I miss meals without even noticing. Despite the bare rations at the camp, I sometimes have no interest in food."

He clucked his tongue. "You must have something at every meal if you are to regain your strength and teach your body that it is no longer starving."

"I know," she sighed, running thin fingers through her hair. She froze, suddenly remembering the rings on her left hand which was tucked between her knees. Had Ducky noticed? She tried to recall if that hand had been visible during the examination but was unsure. Trying to hide her nervousness, Ziva smiled a bit. "Are we finished?"

Ducky touched her shoulder. "For now. But I will see you again next week. And once you return to work we can do these check ups during the day." He helped her stand. "Eat. Get plenty of rest, and lots of sunshine and fresh air. Do try to mend things with your partner Ziva. If I have learned one thing these past few years, it is that the two of you need each other." Ducky smiled. "And Ziva, welcome home."

She nodded and they left to join Tony in the library. A quick check of his left hand showed that he had it concealed in a pocket. She let out a breath and he met her eyes, knowing instantly what she'd been thinking. "So Doc, what's the verdict?"

The ME adjusted his glasses. "I'll know more once the tests come back, but Ziva was very lucky. Take good care of her Tony, that is all you need to concern yourself with at this time."

His green eyes were quite grave. "Don't worry Ducky, I will." He rested his right hand on Ziva's lower back to guide her out and Ducky watched them from the door. Something was different about the partners, but he intended to keep his suspicions to himself for the time being and see how things unfolded. In some cases, what Gibbs didn't know he couldn't use to make others as miserable and lonely as he was himself.

_Replies:_

_Nicole - Thanks, I'm glad to hear that :) Yeah, RofS took up about a year and a half of my life. I'm still pretty proud of it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You're so sweet, thank you. I'm glad you think so. Don't worry, MIT has 4 more parts and I'm having far too much fun to quit now. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Thanks. That was a big thing I noticed, the tone is not similar at all, but I'm glad to haer that most of you guys aren't feeling like it's a repeat. I think after the summer, Tony earned a right to make certain demands, and Vance knows the partners together are too valuable to lose. Gibbs will probably ignore the way T talked to him because he'd rather not get emotionally involved, even tho he already is because half the time he thinks of them as his kids. Yeah, I hurt for her just thinking of what it might be like to basically not remember what it's like to not be in pain. Hm, I don't know what happens to teeth after 4 months of beatings and starvation. She should probably go see a dentist, but I think her oral health is something that should be able to get relatively back to normal. That's just a guess tho. Thanks for reviewing Sarah! :)_


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as they were in the car, Ziva held her hand out to show Tony her rings. "I completely forgot. I do not want to take them off, but I am afraid he noticed them. Ducky does not miss much."

Tony twisted his own wedding band around. "No, he doesn't." He sighed. "If we were going to slip up, I wish it was after things had settled down a bit."

She thought about that and finally relaxed into the seat. "It does not matter. They are going to find out eventually. If it happens now, that will not change anything."

He slid his fingers between hers. "It could change a lot Zi, but I guess we'll worry about that when we get there."

Ziva nodded and the couple headed home. Given the emotions of the morning and the niggling worry from their encounter with Ducky, a nap was in order. Tony gave her the choice of bed or couch and planned to take the opposite one, but Ziva never let go of his hand and led him to their room, laying in the middle of the bed and beckoning him to join her. Unable to say no, Tony went with her and curled himself around her body, never not wanting to hold her. Ziva smiled sleepily and closed her eyes and Tony did the same. If not for the mountains that stood in their way, this would be a perfect afternoon.

The next thing he knew he was unexpectedly awake and trying to figure out what drew him out of a deep sleep. Then it was obvious, Ziva was gone. Though how she managed that without disturbing him, he would never know. Rubbing his eyes, he yawned and got up to look for her. The kitchen and office were empty, but his eyebrows rose when he found his wife in the spare room surrounded by torn up pieces of drawings and photos, with knees pulled tight to her chest and Moses hugged firmly in her arms. Concern flooded him and Tony knelt beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Ziva, what happened?"

She jerked away from his touch, sobs shaking her slender form. He sat helplessly on the floor, feeling awful and wishing he could do something to fix whatever was wrong now. It was ages before Ziva could speak clearly, but emotion still flooded her voice. "I hate him," she declared vehemently. "I hate him."

Tony sighed. "Your father?"

Ziva's head came up, her coffee coloured eyes flashing as she tossed the bear unceremoniously into the green suitcase. "I hate him for the childhood he stole. For ruining Ari and spoiling Tali and making me into a weapon because I only wanted to please him. I hate him for missing dance recitals and making me quit, for never being proud of the things I loved. I hate him for loving his country more than his family, for having expectations that were too high and," at this point she dissolved into tears again, "most of all I hate him for breaking my heart."

Tony tried again to hug her and this time Ziva let him. He lifted the sobbing ninja into his lap, where she clutched at his shirt and buried her face in his neck. After awhile the violent anguish subsided and Ziva shifted a bit in his hold. "I idolized him Tony," she admitted softly. "When I was little I thought my papa was the greatest man alive, that the sun rose and set on his order, that in his arms I would always be safe. And he lied." She scrubbed at wet raw cheeks and cast her gaze around for the box of tissues. Finding it within reach, Ziva grabbed a handful and mopped up the mess on her face, trying also to dab at the wet patch on her husband's shirt.

He stilled her hands. "Don't worry about it babe." Tony wove his fingers into her loose curls. "You're right. He lied and he used you and he let you go when he should've held on and done everything in his power to protect you. But he didn't and I hope Eli regrets that for the rest of his life." Their foreheads touched and he tried to focus on her eyes. "No matter what Zi, I'm going to do what he did not. I will love you and protect you and cherish every moment of our time together. No one will ever be allowed to hurt you again, because they'd have to go through me and that's not happening." Tony sighed. "I'm sorry about your childhood, for all the innocence you lost. I know words will never replace those years, but gosh Zi, I'm really going to try to love you enough to make up for them."

Still an emotional wreck from the events of the past week, Ziva's tears started all over again and she angled her head to catch his lips, alternately kissing him and crying as the impact of everything he'd promised and everything she'd been denied hit her full force. How long they stayed that way, kissing and touching and whispering healing words to each other the couple didn't know, but they were exhausted when all tears were finally dried and breathing and heartbeats had returned to normal.

Tony dropped a kiss on her nose. "I think it's time to eat. We've gotta get you back on a regular meal schedule."

She unfolded herself from his lap and slowly stood, wrapping her arms around her waist, the material of his hoodie bunching up because it hung on her right now. "I do not know what to have." Selection in food was hard to comprehend after her summer.

He leaned against the wall and put on his thoughtful face, trying to remember what he'd read in Ducky's library. The older man had left material on recovering from starvation, the aftermath of torture, and the effects of rape on his desk for Tony to find. He wished now that he'd taken notes. "I can do chicken and rice with scrambled eggs." He was looking for something that would be fairly easy on her stomach.

Ziva was having a hard time making herself care about meals, but she gave her consent. "Okay."

Pleased that she was trying, Tony made his way to the kitchen to get things started and pointed to the TV. "Can you pick us out something to watch babe? I do my best work when there's background noise."

She deliberated long enough that he almost asked if she wanted some suggestions, but then it hit him that having choices would probably be a foreign concept for awhile. Just like her shoes this morning, some things wouldn't come easily. Supper was almost finished before Ziva decided on an episode of _I Love Lucy_ and Tony got her attention once the show began, holding two shallow bowls. "Couch or table Zi?" She wandered over to the table, taking a seat and looking at him as her answer. Tony set the food in front of her. "Bon appetit."

Ziva picked up her fork and tasted a bite. "Thank you."

He wished she would stop saying that. He didn't want to be thanked for every little thing. He was doing things for her because he loved her and the constant uncertainty only reminded him how far they were from where he wanted to be. The meal progressed slowly, with Ziva finishing only half of the small serving he'd given her, and Tony had to bite his tongue not to say anything. They ended up on the couch after dishes were done, Ziva with a book from the office and Tony trying to actually watch the movie he chose.

After several minutes Ziva made a frustrated noise in her throat and tossed the novel onto the coffee table. He paused the movie and looked at her. "I cannot concentrate! Even my own language no longer makes sense to my brain." There was really nothing he could say to that and Tony reached over to take her hand, but Ziva stood, fidgeting nervously. "I am...going to look at my flowers." Left unsaid was the 'please do not follow me' part.

He sighed, waiting until he heard the door close before getting up and going to the office. Tony stayed just out of sight, watching his wife wander aimlessly in the backyard until she finally sat on the grass, staring at the stone with her picture on it. But he didn't want her thinking about death, about how hard living was going to be and what might've happened if they'd shown up a few days later. Tony hated feeling helpless where Ziva was concerned, and in this moment he had nothing at all to offer.

**NCIS**

Ziva's sleep that night was restless. She couldn't seem to settle or relax enough to fully drift off, always feeling as if some unknown danger hovered in the shadows just waiting to strike. Because she couldn't settle, neither could he, and Tony spent most of the night watching his wife toss and turn from side to side, struggling to find a comfortable position and occasionally muttering to herself in a language he didn't understand. Ziva finally fell into a light slumber near dawn and Tony kissed her cheek before getting up to make coffee. He was exhausted - emotionally, mentally, and physically - but this was only the beginning and he'd have to find the resources to draw on for whatever came next.

She stayed in bed until early afternoon, not sleeping, just lying curled up on her side, one hand tucked under her head, brown hair strewn messily across the pillow, staring out the window without hardly blinking. Finally Tony came to stand at the doorway to their room. "We really should call your aunt today honey, we've kept her waiting long enough."

Ziva turned her head to look at him but appeared to be seeing past him, or through him as if he wasn't even there. The strength to move seemed beyond her ability at that moment and Tony was concerned. Going over to sit beside her, he brushed back a few errant curls. "Tell me what's going on Zi, I can't read your mind."

She shifted away from his touch and the heat of his body. "Leave me alone Tony," she said listlessly, "you cannot make this better."

That was his greatest fear confirmed, that no matter what he did he couldn't fix this for her. Not the past, not their problems, not the life they longed to have together, none of it was in his power to control. Crushed by her casual statement, Tony left the room, pretending not to hear her soft cries after his back was turned. He was her husband, her safe place, her anchor in the storm, but this was one time, one situation in which he failed at everything he'd promised to do.

It was a couple hours later when Ziva came looking for him, her hair flowing loose around her shoulders and making her look young and vulnerable. She sat beside him on the couch. "I am sorry, for earlier."

He shrugged. "You're right. There's nothing I can do." Tony wished they could find a truth that didn't hurt so much.

Ziva shook her head, resting her hand on his forearm. "I was wrong. Because you have done everything Tony, by bringing me back, by forgiving and loving me when I no longer had a right to those gifts." She touched his cheek. "I cannot always control how I feel, but I need you to know that you are doing for me everything I need, just by being here. Please do not give up," she whispered, hanging her head.

Tony sighed, putting his hand over hers. "Okay. But please stop leaving me out of what you're going through Ziva. Being on the outside is almost as bad as not having you here at all. I need your help so I don't forget."

She leaned her head against his, craving the solid warmth of him beside her, right where he'd always been. "I will try. I cannot make any promises, but I will do my best." They sat together in silence for awhile before she straightened up and brushed the wrinkles from her clothes. "I am ready now."

Hope filled his expression. "Nettie?"

Ziva nodded. "It is time."

Tony got Ziva's laptop from the office and brought it out to sit on the coffee table. Slowly her fingers moved over the mouse and keys to bring up Skype and dial Aunt Nettie. She came on the screen so quickly he wondered if she'd been sitting in front of her computer all weekend, waiting. Nettie's face lit up when she saw them. "Shalom dear ones. I am so glad to see you."

Ziva chewed on her bottom lip. "Sorry to call so late Doda."

Her brow furrowed. "It is never too late for you my darling." She considered her niece carefully. "Ma shlomech?" Nettie asked quietly. _How are you?_

The younger woman shook her head. "English Doda, for Tony." Then she shrugged one shoulder. "Ani lo yoda'at." _I do not know._

"You are different," Nettie observed, "nervous."

Tony offered his hand to Ziva and she stared at it a moment before folding her fingers through his. She sighed. "It is very dark Doda, and hard to...be sure of anything." She leaned into her husband. "We are both afraid to wake up and find this rescue only a dream."

Sorrow cloaked Nettie's features. "How I wish I could just hold you both until the sun comes out again. It is not right that you are alone in this suffering." Then inspiration hit. "I could come, just for awhile. I could stay and be the support you are lacking now." She searched their eyes. "May I?"

Tony's throat closed at the offer and he looked over to see Ziva struggling with tears. He kept her hand between both of his and kissed her temple. "Are you sure?" Tony managed.

"Very," their aunt declared firmly.

He waited until Ziva looked at him. "What do you think honey?"

With her free hand she wiped at the errant tears rolling down her cheeks. "Bevakasha," she whispered. "Please come Doda. Ani tzricha otach." _Please/I need you._

Nettie nodded. "I will be on the first flight available tomorrow, I promise."

Tony didn't know how to thank her. "We could...we could pay for your trip, since it's the second one." It would cost, but Ziva's happiness was worth the sacrifice.

She smiled kindly. "Thank you achyan, but I have my own money, enough that I will never have to worry. And being with those I love is something I value more than any cost." Nettie swallowed and fixed her eyes on Ziva again. "Does your father know yet motek?"

At the mention of Eli Ziva tensed and Tony held his breath, remembering yesterday's breakdown regarding the man. But she was stone faced as she answered. "NCIS has probably informed him as a matter of procedure. I do not know and I do not care. He did not when he sent me there or left me in the desert to die. My family is here Doda, the team and Tony. You are all that is left for me in Israel now." She looked away. "Eli is no longer my father."

Her words weighed heavily in the silence that fell, each thinking separately of what Ziva's choice would mean for all of them. Finally Nettie broke the hush. "Tell me something happy before I go Zivi, I want a good memory to hold onto."

Ziva turned to look at Tony with a watery smile. "I am home Doda. I left, I broke so many promises. But my husband still loves me and I know that we will survive this as long as he never lets go."

Tony stared into her eyes. "Never again Zi. I can't live without you, remember?"

She closed her eyes and leaned forward to join their lips. As initiated physical affection was never guaranteed, he indulged in the kiss, taking his time, tilting his head to deepen the caress. Ziva pulled away before he was ready for it to be over, but Tony had promised to be what she needed and he smiled. "Thank you."

She moved closer and his arm slid around her waist while her head came to rest on his shoulder. Nettie looked on in adoration. "Now that is something happy. Laila tov children, I will see you soon."

The screen went blank and Tony sighed, brushing his thumb over the back of Ziva's hand. "You're late for lunch babe, how about a sandwich?"

Ziva was so done hearing about food, but if she wanted to get better she had to eat. She looked at him. "Would you like help?" Being in the kitchen was her job, but she'd done nothing yet and Ziva wished she could feel even a spark of motivation to get involved in her old life.

He dropped a kiss on her head. "No thanks, I've got this covered."

She made her way to the office, flipping aimlessly through picture albums until Tony called her nearly half an hour later. Intrigued by what could've taken so long, Ziva emerged to find plates sitting on the table and a grin on her husband's face, though he looked a bit uncertain. "Well?"

Ziva sat slowly and examined her food, smiling softly. "Tony, you made sabich."

He took his place across from her. "If something from home can make you want to eat again, I'll learn how to make anything."

She took a bite and closed her eyes, remembering a day not too long ago when she wandered the streets of Tel Aviv and came across her favourite little shop that sold the delectable sandwich. She had felt so alone in Israel and the food reminded her of childhood days spent with her mother, brother, and sister. It was a taste of home when she thought she'd lost the meaning of that word altogether. And even though American sabich was not quite the same, the fact that Tony had made the effort meant everything to her.

Crunchy fresh vegetables, smooth sliced egg, and the tangy mango sauce that Nettie must have brought from Israel ignited her desire for more and Ziva took another bite. Tony watched in fascination as she devoured half of the stuffed pita before remembering to slow down so she didn't get sick. Finally her meal was gone and Ziva sighed contentedly. "That was delicious."

Tony swallowed a large bite of his own sabich and gave her a half-grin. "I'm glad to hear it."

Her eyes seemed brighter after a full meal and once they'd done dishes and cleaned up Ziva had energy that needed an outlet. She looked out the window at the sinking sun and turned to Tony. "Would you like to go for a walk?"

He was on his feet in a second and found her fall coat in the closet. Ziva was always cold now, one of the side effects of starvation and losing the layer of fat that insulted her body. She smiled at his thoughtfulness and Tony took her hand, sliding his feet into shoes while Ziva did the same and locking the door behind them. It was a calm, peaceful, end of September night and vivid streaks of purple and orange coloured the sky as dusk came upon them. Wandering slowly down the tree-lined street with Ziva brought back good memories of so many other walks they'd taken together.

Their fingers stayed linked and Tony shortened his strides to accommodate the smaller steps she took. They didn't have to say much, exchanging fleeting glances and smiles was enough. Though it came as a deep disappointment to Tony when he realized he could no longer read her every thought in Ziva's eyes. Too many things had changed and he longed for the silent conversations that had been one of their trademarks, both as partners and as a couple. He hoped that wasn't one of the things he'd have to get used to not having with this new Ziva. It was so strange to miss her when they were standing side by side.

Eventually Ziva noticed how pensive he was and stopped, searching his solemn green gaze. "Tony?"

He swallowed hard. "Kiss me Ziva, please. I really need to feel you right now."

Her brow furrowed at his phrasing but she did as he asked and leaned up, her mouth meeting his a bit hesitantly, though she quickly softened under the warm pressure of his lips. Tony brought his hands to her face, keeping her close, kissing her almost desperately as he sought the connection they used to share. Ziva broke away because his intensity alarmed her, and she struggled in his grip when he wouldn't let go. "Tony," she begged breathlessly, "do not ask me to feel something I cannot act on. Do not ask me to fill a need for you when I am only just home again. Please," she whispered, her forehead falling to his collarbone, "I cannot. I cannot. I am sorry. Please Tony, do not ask me."

Tony's heart broke at the sorrow and regret that mingled in her tone and he scrambled to get some distance from her without letting go. "Shh Zi, shh. It's okay. I'm sorry." He spoke the words softly by her ear, head bowed and arms surrounding her gently. "I didn't mean to scare you."

She looked up, her fingers lifting to lightly caress his cheek. "You have no idea how much I want to be your wife again Tony, how I long for a connection with you that will sever every memory from the camp. But I cannot. I am not ready. I do not know when or how I will ever be ready for that again. I wish I did not have to deny you what you need."

He shook his head. "I just need you Zi. You're everything good in my life. Do I miss sharing that kind of intimacy with you? Absolutely. And I look forward to the day when you can accept that form of love again. But I'm not asking for something you can't give, something that scares you, something that makes you want to push me away. What I'm asking for is everything you can give me now, without worrying about what comes next." Tony stared deep into her dark eyes. "Can you do that? Can you let me touch you and kiss you, knowing that I won't push past what you can handle? Can you initiate touch and kiss me, to show me the words you've already told me you still feel? I hate missing you when you're right here Ziva. I don't want to make you feel guilty, I just need you to understand how much I need you close. Will you try?"

Her husband's words drowned her in a river of the guilt he didn't want her to feel, but they also soothed some of her anxieties and showed her again what a good man she'd married. He loved her. He loved her enough to forgive her, enough to take care of her, enough to help her heal, enough to wait for something she'd always given him freely before. And that only made her love him more. "Yes," she told him in a hushed voice. "Yes I will try." Ziva's arms wrapped around his neck. "I love you so much Tony. Thank you. Thank you for this."

Tony hugged her carefully, still cautious of her sore ribs and healing back. They didn't always have to talk before but things had changed, they had changed, and they'd never be able to heal or explain or understand if they didn't start being, in some cases, brutally honest about what was going on in their heads and their hearts. As much as he'd rather do everything the non-verbal way, Tony knew he'd have to set the example and lay a new foundation for their interactions. It would be worth the work, the awkwardness, and the discomfort, because he already knew he couldn't live without Ziva and he'd do whatever it took to get her back.

Striving to start right away with her promise, Ziva settled by Tony's side on the couch when they got back and reveled in the familiarity of his arm around her, his warmth seeping through the layers of clothes she was swathed in, and his heartbeat steady under her hand. It was peaceful and normal and oh so necessary to do something they'd done a hundred times before. The couple watched a re-run of _Numb3rs_ and then got ready for bed. Once under the covers, Tony propped his head up on one hand and looked at his wife, brushing his fingers down her arm.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" She nodded and he leaned over to touch his lips to hers. Tony kept it short, not wanting to pressure her, and pulled back with a smile. He'd missed little rituals like that more than words could say.

Ziva shifted to a more comfortable position and closed her eyes. "Good night Tony."

He sighed and lay down next to her. "Good night sweetheart." Only seconds passed before Tony decided he wasn't going to pretend to be okay with the space between them. Sliding over, he kissed her neck and cuddled up nice and close, slinging his arm across her waist. She stayed absolutely still for several moments, but finally put her hand over his, their fingers meshing gently, and relaxed. And for those sweet minutes before they fell asleep, it felt just like old times.

_Replies:_

_Emma - Thank you :) I'm glad you think so. I love horses, so that I can work them into the story makes me happy. And I've heard a lot about the healing benefits too. That's cool that you've worked with kids and horses, a memorable job I'm sure. Yes, I am still waiting until after the end of S9 (we'll follow canon until 9x24, goes AU after the phoof at the end) to have the team find out about their marriage. Yeah, I'm getting a little concerned that I've written myself into a corner with Z's name change. Here's my theory, tho I think I'm straying a bit out of the realm of possibility now: Z will keep her maiden _

_name for work. So on her ID badge etc., she'll still be Ziva David. But for things like her driver's license, passport, even her citizenship stuff (which she won't change over anyways until she's been reinstated with NCIS), it'll be Ziva David-DiNozzo. All the information to find out about T&Z's relationship is there if anyone looked hard enough to find it. But who has a reason to look up T's address when they think he still has his apartment? And who is really going to look at Z's driver's _

_license? I keep all that stuff in my wallet and rarely ever look at it, let alone show it to others. I think I'm pushing it a bit, but that's the best I can do. Hope that sort of makes sense. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Adel - Hi. I think someone actually did tell me that before, but I originally used it in another Tiva story because I'd read it in an FF story when I first started shipping Tiva. I know it's not a term of endearment but it does mean love, I think, and I like the way it sounds (in my head) so I'll probably keep using it and just call it creative license. Oh yeah, those genders always confuse me. English doesn't have gendered words so I have a hard time doing that right. I'd be open to suggestions if you have any really good terms of endearment tho. Thanks! :)_

_Sarah - the nail polish kind of surprised me actually, but Z needed something like that so I was happy to follow her around. Yeah, she totally wasn't expecting the plaque, but now she has a better idea of what he went through. I don't think the Z he loves died in the desert, I think she's just lost inside herself and it might take awhile to find her again. It won't be easy, but always worth the work. We'll get more in depth about what happened in Israel later, when things have calmed down and Z's had a chance to heal physically, because I agree that those wounds are not healed yet. I'm not looking _

_forward to the conversation, I already have a bit of it written, because words can't always make something like that better. But getting it off their chests will help, I hope, and then we'll see what happens next. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Mary Barrera - haha...you can squeal if you like, those moments will only be sporadic right now. I'm glad you liked the chapter and I'm so glad to have you along for the journey. Thanks for making an exception for MIT, I promise I'll be updating regularly and that this story is far from over. I can't believe you read all the rest in one weekend, that's dedication, thank you :) That's very sweet, I'm glad you think so. At this point the jury is still out on Ducky. I've already written where the team finds out about T&Z and I liked Ducky's reaction, but at the same time I'm willing to concede that he did see her rings but they'll play don't ask-don't tell and never actually talk about him knowing. It would be interesting, I just can't decide if that's the direction I want to go yet. Ducky would be a good silent supporter, I agree. Your reasoning is making it a challenge to figure out what to do. Ah, the hyphenated last name. To tell you the truth I'm not a huge fan of that either, but in Remnants of Somalia (my other big Tiva series) she changed her name completely and I just feel like it's very important for this Z to retain part of her identity. It really doesn't have anything to do with Eli, he's pretty much out of the picture at this point, but she's always been Ziva David and there's a certain confidence and security attached to who she was before that Z is going to want to hold onto now. Does that make any sense? Plus, she'll be using David for work, because 2 DiNozzos on the same team is just confusing, and the team doesn't get to find out yet. I'm glad you like the story, thanks so much for reviewing! :)_


	5. Chapter 5

But their peace was not to last. In the middle of the night images came upon Ziva without warning and in painful clarity from a time shortly after she'd been captured. She could smell the hot desert air, feel the rough rope that bound her hands behind her back to a sturdy wooden pole set up outside in the blistering heat of the sun where she stayed while they waited for the thirst to break her stubborn resistance. Her mouth was dry as dust, her head hung low, and dark drops of blood dotted the sand at her feet as the result of an earlier beating.

Then one of the men came out and grabbed her hair, jerking her head back and barking at her harshly to open her swollen eyes and look at him. She managed one, enough to see the evil grin crawl across his face as he pulled his arm back and drove a balled up fist into her stomach. Ziva grunted and doubled over, her body trying to curl in on itself as much as possible with her hands restrained and her hair held captive. The man let go and delivered a stinging slap to her face, hard enough to tear open cuts only beginning to heal and split her already cracked lips so that coppery blood filled her mouth. She didn't even have the energy to spit it out, so the liquid ran from her mouth like drool.

The terrorist propped his hands on his hips to survey her sorry state, then untied her hands and knotted the rope again in front, reaching up high to attach it to a hook. He took the whip from his belt and Ziva heard it hiss as it flicked through the air before tearing a bright red strip across her back. She made a strangled sound at the pain, struggling to get free. "No!" she screamed, sitting straight up in bed, her eyes darting around the room as evidence of her captivity faded into the darkness.

Tony rubbed his eyes and pushed himself up, reaching for her. "Zi?" he asked quietly. "You okay?"

Ziva's breathing was laboured, the fear so strong she could taste it, and she moved quickly out of range. "No," she whispered, "no. Do not touch me."

He frowned, seeing enough of the horror reflected in her expression to put a couple pieces together. "You were dreaming," Tony reasoned out slowly. "What did you see?"

She shook her head, dark hair falling across her face. "No," Ziva repeated, unwilling to relive it out loud, or tell him the details of what she'd suffered.

Tony tried to be the one to stay calm and rational. "What do you need honey?"

A shutter slid into place behind her eyes and she stood swiftly, pulling on the hoody of his that she'd become very attached to in the last week. "I need to erase the last five months. Can you make it so they never existed?" His startled look confirmed what she already knew. "That is what I thought." Then Ziva walked out and Tony heard the sliding doors latch. He blew out a breath and decided to start with getting dressed. At this rate it was going to be a very long day.

Half an hour later, when the faintest whisper of dawn stirred on the horizon, Tony made his way out to the back porch and handed his wife a cup of tea. She looked at it and sighed as he took a seat beside her. "I am sorry Tony, I was not prepared for that."

He folded his fingers together to keep from touching her. "Can you tell me what scared you?"

She shook her head. "No. And I do not know if I will ever be able to speak of what happened this summer with you. It was...supposed to be the end. I never imagined while I was there that I would one day be bringing it home with me." Ziva traced the rim of the mug. "You should not also have to suffer from my experiences."

Tony swallowed. "I hate to think of you keeping it all inside. Of you pulling away every time something reminds you of the camp."

She bit her lip. "I left because it was too close, too much. I am afraid to be alone with myself Tony. I spent enough time over the summer doing penance for my past, I do not need those thoughts in my head any more. But I do not know what to say when you are here with me, trying so hard to fix what may always be broken."

Her prognosis was not encouraging but Tony overlooked it in favour of what he could do. "Ziva, as long as I'm with you I don't care what we're doing. If you want me to just sit here and hold your hand, that's what I'll do. Stop trying to protect me from what you went through and let me remind you what I promised after the Hoffman case." He paused, trying to remember the correct pronunciation and the words slowly came back to him. "Le'olam lo titz'adi levad. I mean it Ziva," he whispered, "you will never walk alone."

A single tear trailed slowly down her cheek and Ziva held out her hand, letting Tony take it in his, remembering what it was like to fit so well together and how she always felt safe when he was near. Sitting side by side, Tony and Ziva watched the sun rise and hoped that the dawning of a new day would in some small way be a new start for the people they were trying to be.

An hour after he first ventured out to be with her, Tony stood slowly and stretched the kinks out of his back. Ziva observed the way he moved and thought about what she would have done before the summer to make him more comfortable. But a massage was neither within her comfort zone or her current ability, the fractured bones in her fingers slow to heal due to the malnourishment of the past few months. He felt her staring and looked down, supporting her weight when she joined him in standing. "Time for breakfast, don't you think?"

Despite her current lack of any personal motivation, Ziva made herself say the next words. "I would like to help." Whether she felt like it or not, she needed to be part of a routine, she needed to involve herself in life again no matter what she looked like on the inside.

Tony was thrilled by her offer and led the way inside. "What do you feel like?"

She felt like things would never be normal again, but that was not what he meant. "Something that is not eggs," she answered finally, tired of gentle, bland foods.

He nodded. "I can work with that. How about this - I feel like poached eggs and toast with strawberry jam. Can you handle that while I make something special for you?"

Ziva wracked her brain for the simple steps of preparing what he'd asked for, finally agreeing. "Yes."

"Good." Tony then proceeded to gather a host of ingredients from the fridge and freezer before sequestering himself in the corner and blocking her view of what he was doing so as to keep it as much of a surprise as possible.

Too caught up in making sure she did everything correctly, Ziva paid little attention to her husband while she concentrated on her part in the meal. She heard the blender turn on, and Tony's little mutterings to himself as he worked on his project. It made her smile, because he usually talked himself through anything he was making, and she liked that some things would never change.

Ziva had just finished buttering the toast and spreading jam over it evenly when her egg timer buzzed and she lifted two nearly perfect poached eggs from the pan, feeling as if she'd accomplished something. She took Tony's plate to the table and poured him a glass of orange juice, then turned and looked at him hopefully. Tony scanned his breakfast and kissed her cheek. "Looks fabulous babe, thank you." He gestured for her to take a seat and set a tall glass filled with something thick and pinkish, and a straw standing in the middle. "One strawberry mango smoothie for the lady."

Her eyebrows rose as she studied the mixture and took a tentative sip. Her eyes lit up. "Oh, I had forgotten. Tony, it is so good!"

He grinned. "You're welcome. I had a feeling that might be just what you needed."

She closed her eyes and took another long pull on her straw. "Mmm, it is perfect."

Nothing else was said but Tony took great delight in watching his wife enjoy the drink which, aside from tasting really great, was also packed full of vitamins and also calories, two things she needed in abundance right now. Once they finished, he washed while Ziva dried and then Tony came to stand behind her, his hands resting on her shoulders. "You're still pretty tense Zi, can I interest you in a bubble bath?" She tilted her head to the side and he clarified. "For one, of course. Though I'm not opposed to keeping you company while you soak under a thick covering of lavender and chamomile scented bubbles."

"I will not be very good company," she warned. "I may even fall asleep." Although, after last night's episode she was not particularly looking forward to slipping into the embrace of sleep again, in case history decided to repeat itself.

"Doesn't bother me," Tony assured her. "If all else fails I can always play Tetris on my phone. I'm still trying to beat my high score."

Ziva chuckled. "You have been trying for two years ahava, is it not almost time to give up?"

"Nah," he said, thinking carefully, "half the fun is the challenge. If it came easy, I wouldn't enjoy winning nearly as much."

There seemed to be a hidden meaning in there, but she was not quite ready to decipher it. Ziva followed her husband into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub while he started the water and dug around under the sink for her favourite kind of bubble bath. Pouring a generous amount under the faucet, Tony waited for the bubbles to begin accumulating before he took his leave. Touching her cheek, he smiled. "Call when you're ready for me, okay?"

Ziva squeezed his hand and saw the door safely closed before she stood to slowly remove the clothes she was wearing. She never intended to look in the mirror, already knowing from hours of painful examination exactly what reminders Saleem's men had left on her skin. But she happened to glance up for just a second as she removed her shirt and what she saw made her breath catch. Ziva took a step closer to the counter, her eyes raking over the image reflected back to her. She had not been so skinny since she was a child and much of her muscle mass had been lost due to the prolonged starvation. Her ribs were easy to count, her breasts smaller than they had been, and a myriad of scars now covered what used to be smooth tan skin.

Deciding she may as well get it over with now, Ziva stripped naked and forced herself to be honest about what she saw. Eight days after being rescued many of the bruises had faded, though the worst ones still tinged her skin yellow in places. The lash marks on her back had been old when they found her and now were even losing their scabs as one more hurt faded into her body. She took a closer look at her wrists, wondering if maybe the bruises and chafing there would end up being permanent, something she would have to hide with bracelets and watches so that no one could tell. Small brown spots dotted over her stomach and legs had at one time been red, painful, open sores from the burning end of a cigarette. It had only been a couple weeks for some of them, hard to tell now how long they would last. There was no permanent damage to her face or chest, mostly because of what they used her for after the torture had ceased and she was simply a woman in a camp full of men.

Swallowing hard, Ziva again ran her eyes over what the mirror showed her and wrapped her arms around her middle to protect herself from the hurt in her heart. She was no longer beautiful, no longer desirable. Perhaps Tony would never want to be intimate with her again when he saw what her clothes hid. But she could not show him yet. She could not bear to have him look at her in disgust, to see what she had become. Somehow it slipped her mind the way he had looked at her with nothing but love when he washed her body in the shower the night she arrived home.

Quickly Ziva stepped into the bathtub and slid down under the cover of the bubbles that hid her shame. "I am ready," she called softly, and Tony must've been waiting with his ear to the door to have heard her quiet voice.

He opened it slowly, checking to make sure she was fully covered before he came in all the way. "Hey, how's it feel?"

Pushing away what she now believed about herself, she forced a small smile, focusing on the water temperature and the scent of the bubbles. "Nice," she admitted after a moment. Ziva swirled her hand through the bubbles. "This is a luxury I will never take for granted again."

Tony wanted to reach for her hand, but worried what she'd think if he tried to get any closer while she was naked and vulnerable. "You deserve to be pampered. I could even brush your hair when you're done." A dark shadow clouded the momentary joy in her eyes and she looked down. He caught the gesture and tapped his fingers on the edge of the tub to get her attention. "Zi, what's wrong? What were you just thinking of?"

Ziva kept her eyes on the fluffy hills of white foam floating on the water's surface, surprising herself by voicing the very thing she had just determined to keep from him. "What do you feel when you touch me Tony? You know what my body looks like now. Does it sicken you to see what I have become?"

"Whoa, where is this coming from?" He couldn't understand the sudden gap in her logic. Did she not remember the conversation they'd had last night, where he'd practically begged to be allowed more freedom of touch?

She shrugged one shoulder, keeping her gaze fixed firmly away from him so she did not have to read in his eyes what she was afraid to see. "I looked in the mirror."

Tony blew out a breath. "For one of the first times?" She didn't answer. "For the first time?" he persisted and she nodded so slightly he would've missed it if he wasn't staring at her. "Ziva." No response. He tried again. "Ziva." Her eyes flickered to him for half a second and then away again. "Look at me," he requested, but she would be stubborn and pretend she hadn't heard him. "Please," Tony repeated softer, "look at me sweetheart."

Ziva finally did as he asked and the tears she was trying to keep from falling broke his heart. Regardless of what he'd promised himself, Tony knelt by her head and wiped at two tears that had fallen. "I love you Ziva. Do you hear me? I love you. And no matter what you see in that mirror, you are the most beautiful woman I know." She bit her lip and he continued. "I've seen your body, remember? I know what they did. But it doesn't matter. I will always, always, every single day of my life find you as beautiful as I did the first day we met. When I touch you I feel the same desire I always have and that's never going to change. You are my wife, my heart, my joy and it is a privilege to love you."

She couldn't hold back the tears any more and Tony leaned forward to kiss them away. "Maybe you can't see what I do yet, maybe it'll take a long time, but I'll help you to see yourself through my eyes if you let me Zi. Because no one is allowed to run you down and tell you lies about how you look or what I feel for you, not even you. Got it?"

Her response was simply to pull him down for a kiss and Tony tried to convey to her with his mouth what he hoped she heard in his words. Ziva's eyes were still closed when the caress ended and she left her hand on his neck, keeping him close. "I do not deserve you."

His trademark half-grin reappeared. "That's where you're wrong Ziva David-DiNozzo. And I'll prove it to you every day for the next fifty years."

Overwhelmed, she pushed him back gently and Tony couldn't help the way his eyes lingered on the brief glimpse of skin he got when one of her knees broke the surface of the water. He so badly wanted to put his hand on her leg, to run it up and down the smooth expanse of her skin, to ignite in her the desire that had burned so brightly before the summer stole every bit of light from her eyes. But they weren't there yet and maybe they wouldn't be there for a really long time. As hard as it was to be patient and to wait, his focus had to be on what Ziva needed right now, and for him to try to start something she was in no way ready to finish would just be inconsiderate and selfish.

So he settled for scooping up and handful of bubbles and blowing them at her. Ziva blinked, surprised, then reciprocated the gesture and an all out war began, ending with both of them dripping wet and covered in bits of white foam. She took in his appearance and laughed, a light hearted sound he was sometimes afraid of never hearing again. That was worth a damp shirt and brushing bubbles out of his hair. Then Ziva leaned her head back and closed her eyes, able to truly let the bath do its relaxing work now that some things had been cleared from the air between she and Tony. It was enough that he could look at her the way he used to, love and desire all mixed into one. The rest could come later, but being assured of his heart was her greatest gift this day.

**NCIS**

True to his word, once Ziva was out of the bath, dressed, and her hair mostly dried, Tony came out of the bathroom with her brush and settled on the bed beside her. "Tell me if it hurts. I might be a bit out of practice." Ziva sat still and focused on the way he carefully separated a section of hair, starting at the bottom to work the tangles out and making his way to the top. That motion he repeated over and over, the brush sliding through her silky hair and massaging her scalp until it tingled. Finally he set the brush aside and used his fingers instead, drawing them through the brown waves again and again. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "I almost forgot how soft your hair is."

She turned a little to look at him. "There may be many things we both have forgotten."

Tony rubbed his thumb over her shiny nail polish. "Maybe. But I guess half the fun will be learning them all over again."

Ziva lay back slowly against the pillows. "I think I need a nap."

The amount she'd been sleeping lately was almost scary, but that didn't make up for one incredibly short night. Tony kissed the tips of her fingers. "Mind if I join you?" They had to take it where they could get it and he had the feeling nightmares didn't strike in the daytime, they waited for darkness and shadows and echoes of fear.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, smiling when he kissed her temple and stretched out beside her. They got almost three hours of solid sleep before Tony's cellphone rang and he rolled over, grunting at the intrusion and groping around on the nightstand because he didn't want to open his eyes. With a sigh he pressed the right button and lifted the phone to his ear. "DiNozzo."

"Ah Tony, it's Ducky. Is Ziva there?"

His brow furrowed. "Something wrong?"

"Not at all," the doctor assured him. "But her test results came back and we have a few things to discus."

"Okay." Tony shook Ziva's shoulder gently. "Hey, the phone's for you." He had to resist adding an endearment to the end of that sentence that might be overheard.

Ziva murmured something and her eyelids fluttered. He held up and phone and she frowned. 'Ducky,' he mouthed and she nodded, taking it from him. "Hello Doctor."

Ducky chuckled. "It sounds like I interrupted your nap my dear, I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "Never mind. What is it?"

"I had the samples I took tested at the lab and the results are in." Ziva sought Tony's hand as she waited to hear the rest. "You were very lucky Ziva."

"In what way?" she asked, not sure if she wanted to hear the results and know the extent of the damage inside her.

"First of all, I'll get the awkward part over with. I had the tests run twice and you are cleared of any sexually transmitted diseases." That actually brought relief, even if Ziva wished the examination hadn't progressed to the point of Ducky knowing exactly how they had violated her person. "On another note, however, you are anemic. But I expected as much, and there is an iron supplement you need to be taking until you're fully recovered."

The ME paused and she felt as if he expected her to say something. "Okay," was all she could come up with.

Taking the hint, Ducky continued. "The anemia is a result of the vitamin deficiencies you've suffered due to poor nutrition. There are a great many foods to get your vitamins from, but in this case I'll also want you taking vitamin supplements until further notice. That and the iron should help with your energy levels so you're not tired all the time." He put the sheet of paper down. "There are also some infections to deal with. Your immune system has been compromised by the malnutrition, so I'm prescribing a course of antibiotics as well, to help your body fight." Ducky adjusted his glasses. "That's all I have to tell you for now. Do you have any questions for me?"

Ziva shook her head. "Please tell Tony what you said. My memory is not what it used to be."

"That too will improve with time Ziva. I'll repeat my previous instructions. Get some rest, lots of sunshine and fresh air, and make sure you're eating something for every meal. I'll see you again on Monday. Don't hesitate to call if you have any concerns."

"Thank you Doctor," her tone was dismissive and she gave the phone back to Tony, who squeezed her hand reassuringly and reached for the pad of paper beside his alarm clock.

"Alright Ducky, I'm ready." Dr. Mallard repeated his diagnosis and told Tony exactly what to purchase for her at the drugstore.

"They will help Tony. Please make sure she takes them twice a day."

"You have my word," he promised solemnly, flipping the phone closed. He looked down at Ziva. "How're you feeling babe?"

She checked the clock and found it to be early afternoon. Stretching cautiously, Ziva considered the question. "I am ready to do something."

Tony nodded. "Right after we get some lunch."

Rolling her eyes, Ziva got up and headed for the kitchen. "Do we have enough ingredients for more sabich?"

He grinned. "You bet. Wanna help?"

Wanting to be useful and also hoping to ease back into their partnership, she nodded. "Yes."

Time passed quickly between making food, eating, running out to the drugstore to pick up everything Ducky had recommended, spending an hour at the Lincoln Memorial and wandering around the Reflecting Pool, playfully arguing over what to watch when they returned home, choosing something from Nettie's freezer stash to re-heat for supper, and staying close, because just like always they found their reassurance in each other's nearness and constant presence.

Bedtime came and was approached with a good deal of apprehension from both parties. Ziva's body was tense, the muscles she had left coiled tight against the fight she expected. But since he knew that would not do her any good at all, Tony started to help her calm down by humming 'The Way You Look Tonight' and running his fingers slowly through her hair. That progressed to rubbing his hand up and down her arm in a gentle, soothing motion, and finally intertwining their fingers while he leaned down to kiss her.

Ziva smiled when he pulled away, let her eyes thank him for everything he was doing, and turned onto her side, tugging him close to her. Spooning had always been one of their favourite positions and Tony was glad to find another thing that really hadn't changed. He only hoped the comfort they'd always found in lying like that carried over into the dreams that Ziva would see tonight. With a final kiss to her cheek he settled behind her and closed his eyes. They were going to be okay.

_Replies:_

_Guest - thanks, I'm glad you like it. Well, Z's to the point where she thinks she's ready to tell the team, but there's a whole lot to get sorted out yet and the timeline is still that the secret stays safe until Part 7 (post S9). I'll be back to following canon with 7x2, which will be the beginning of Part 4. So Ray (tho I'm probably going to change his name to Rob, because I really hate the name Ray) and EJ will show up at their designated times, but likely in slightly different contexts, just like Michael in S6. Hope that helps :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Yes, and I'm afraid the process will continue to be painful for quite some time. I didn't expect her tantrum re: Eli, it just kind of showed up, but I think she needed to grieve for what she lost as a child. Her behaviour is likely to stay a bit unexpected for awhile, she's not coping as well as she wishes she was. I like Nettie because she knows both of them quite well and she has wisdom and experience to offer in the face of this trial. But with or without her support, it will still be a tough road back. I guess she is kind of like Shmeil. I wish he'd been in the show sooner, Z could've used him more than once. Thanks for reviewing! :)_


	6. Chapter 6

Contrary to normal behaviour, Tony was up first the next morning, pleased to find Ziva still sleeping peacefully beside him. He took a moment to observe her in this quiet, unguarded state where the memories could not find her. With a gentle kiss brushed over tousled hair, he left their bed and made himself some coffee, taking it into the office and planning to clean out his inbox and catch up on a few things.

The first new message caught his attention and Tony clicked on it, finding inside Nettie's flight information. He checked his watch and set the timer for six pm, figuring that would give him enough time to get there and find a place to wait before her plane landed at seven. An hour spent doing mundane things like reading emails and scanning through local news went a long way towards making him feel like a normal person instead of a counselor, comforter, encourager, and defender for the emotionally damaged woman sleeping in his bed.

Said woman appeared in the doorway a few minutes after those thoughts had run through his head, looking neither emotional nor damaged as she cradled a cup of tea in both hands and watched him with a wistful smile. Tony held out a hand to her, beckoning her closer by the look in his eyes. She bent to kiss his cheek and smiled. "Good morning."

He studied her calm expression. "Sleep okay?"

Surprise sparked through the brown irises and disappeared. "Yes. Very well actually."

"I'm glad."

Ziva looked over his shoulder and saw the email with Nettie's name on it. "What did she say?"

"Gets in at seven. She'll probably be pretty tired. I'm thinking a reunion, maybe some food, a shower, and then bed. You can get your fill of girl time tomorrow."

She smiled at his prediction. "Does that mean you will be nowhere to be found?"

Tony shrugged. "I'll be around. Can't leave two stubborn Israeli women alone in this house. Who knows what might happen?"

Ziva rolled her eyes and sipped her tea, not bothering to move. After a few minutes he closed things up and led the way to the kitchen to get breakfast started. He kept it simple today, oatmeal with honey and berries, and milk, with toast available for whoever wanted it and a small collection of pills set out carefully beside Ziva's spoon. She made a face at them, but dutifully swallowed one at a time under his careful watch, shooting him a look when she finished that clearly said, 'Are you happy now?'

Tony thought that maybe learning to read her eyes again might not be as hard as he'd expected. He chuckled. "Happier. I just want to see you get better Zi. We need to take whatever steps are necessary to make that happen."

A response was not necessary and they lingered over the first meal of the day, feeling no need to rush since they had no plans until the evening. When he finished Tony leaned back in his chair. "I think I'll wash the cars today. What are you going to do?"

Ziva finished her milk and tilted her head. "I think I should clean up the mess I made in the spare room so Aunt Nettie has a place to sleep. Then maybe I will try to read for awhile."

He got up to take his dishes to the sink and leaned down to kiss her cheek on his way by. "Come get me if you need me."

She watched as he went to get changed and pushed around her last few spoonfuls of oatmeal. Tony shot her a smile on his way out and Ziva left the breakfast dishes where they sat and made her way to the spare room, surveying the evidence of her, for lack of a better word, tantrum about her father. She lowered herself to the floor and sifted through the torn up papers. A picture of her in her ballet outfit, a pink tutu and sparkly silver tiara, which she'd worn for the first performance Eli missed. The drawing of a stray neighbourhood puppy Ziva had begged him to be allowed to keep which she'd never seen again after that day. On and on it went, disappointments and broken promises and things she'd done to try and make him proud when that feat was impossible.

Ziva went to find a plastic bag and began dropping the remnants of memories in. When all evidence was tied up in the old grocery sack, she knelt down and started going through what was left of her childhood. There were so many treasures she'd forgotten about, like the cardboard portfolio Ari had made as a place to keep her art had lasted more years than she expected. Ziva shifted to sit crosslegged and slowly examined one sketch after another, thinking back in time to each moment reflected from pencil to paper. It started as little girl scratches but progressed to detailed observations and captured glimpses of time and place. Eventually she closed the portfolio and took it to the office, sliding it between the wall and her desk. Some memories were worth holding onto.

The scrapbook, so lovingly started by her mother, joined the other photo albums at the bottom of one dark green bookshelf, and the children's books found a home somewhere near the middle. A return trip to the spare room found her cradling Moses in both hands and staring into his furry face. "I have missed you ha-chever sheli. I thought you were lost. Tali must have saved you somewhere; Papa would not have thought you worth keeping." _My friend._ Ziva kissed his matted face and smiled, because he smelled just like she always remembered. It amazed her how much comfort she found in holding the old bear, and after a brief contemplation she walked into their room and placed him right in front of her pillow. "I think for awhile I will want you close motek. You were always my best friend. No one is better at tears than teddy bears." Or so Tali had always told her. She picked Moses up and hugged him to her chest tightly, whispering into his soft ear before returning him to the bed.

"I cannot wait to see what my husband thinks of that," she muttered to no one in particular. It took some time, but Ziva got through the whole suitcase and gradually found places for everything Nettie had brought. When the case was empty she zipped it up and propped it in the corner, intending to return it when her aunt arrived. Then she walked to the front window and stood there watching Tony with a small smile on her face. He was hard at work rubbing a soapy sponge in circles on the hood of her car, stopping to wipe some sweat from his forehead with one sleeve and then going back to his task with great concentration. Whoever had made comments about Tony's productivity or lack thereof had never witnessed the care he put into the maintenance of their vehicles.

After awhile she wandered back to the office and chose one of the young adult Hebrew novels that had been in the suitcase and settled in to read a story from her childhood. It was an easy read and a good way to ease her concentration back into processing fiction. Ziva didn't look up from the book until she heard the door open and got up to see her husband. She had a smile on her face to greet him until he slammed the door shut without thinking and all of a sudden it was like someone had thrown a black cloth over the world and Ziva was trapped in a memory so real she cringed, because she knew that when the door to her cell slammed while all the camp was asleep it could only mean pain and shame and punishment for her.

She could hear footsteps walking towards where she lay curled in a corner, away from the tacky drying blood that lay in shallow pools on the floor in the center of the room. When two hands grabbed her she fought back with what little strength she had left, feebly hitting away another man who had come to use her in the dark. Her efforts were in vain, however, because he was stronger than her and pinned her arms to her sides, growling in her ear how they liked when she struggled and fought because it turned them on even more.

Those words slowly became gentler, the tone dropping to a mere whisper she had to strain to hear, and that's when Ziva realized that it was her husband who stood behind her, his arms encircling her and trying to protect them both from her jerky movements. She sagged against him, blinking at the light that had reappeared without her noticing. She looked around in confusion, thoroughly taken aback to see her own well-known home around her instead of the stark stone wall of Saleem's prison, and she took her first full breath since the flashback started.

For his part Tony knew in an instant that slamming the door was the worst mistake he'd made all week. The way Ziva cowered made him feel sick, the whimper deep in her throat conjuring the urge to hit something, because his wife had never been weak and pathetic and scared, but she was now. He moved towards her as quickly as he could, but was caught off guard at her attempts to fight his touch. That was when he figured out there was more going on here than just a sound-memory, she was trapped in something he couldn't see. Tony hated restraining her, but he needed to make sure she didn't hurt herself with the flailing until she came out of whatever it was.

He talked to her as softly as he could, apologizing and telling her he loved her and that she was safe and he'd never let anyone hurt her again. It seemed like ages before his words finally started to break through, and he could tell when she was back to herself by the way she let him take her weight, and he heard her breath come in something other than painful gasps. Still a bit uncertain, Tony didn't let go. "Ziva?" he asked tentatively. She tried to lift her hands and he tensed, prepared for her struggle, but she merely touched his arm.

"It is alright Tony. It is over."

Reluctantly he released her and turned her to face him. "What was 'it'?"

Ziva frowned. "I am not sure, exactly. It was like a nightmare that happened while I was awake. I was suddenly there, in the camp, without warning, and..." she paused, still determined to shield him from the unadultered truth of what she'd suffered there, "...and it was not something I wanted to remember."

He let out a breath and searched her eyes, for what she was not sure. "Are you alright?"

She was shaking, trembling in a way she could neither help nor stop, a terrible cold gripping her from the inside. "I think...I think I need to shower."

Tony didn't quite catch up with her logic, but he couldn't argue with her either. "Okay. Is there anything I can do?"

Ziva pressed her hand to his chest, comforted to feel his heart beating. "Talk to me Tony. Talk to me about anything. I need you to drown out what is in my head."

He wanted to ask what that was, but didn't figure that now was the time to press his advantage. Instead he waited until she was safely enclosed behind the frosted shower doors and then sat down on a low stool by the sink to give her a play by play of _The Proposal_, a movie that had been in theaters only a few months before. He recreated, with as much descriptive language as he could come up with, every funny moment, every romantic scene, every line he could remember that had been sheer and utter brilliance. When he finally got to the less than smooth but relatively happy ending, the water shut off and Ziva peered around the door.

His eyebrows rose. "Is that my cue?" She nodded and he sighed, but stood to give her the room. When she came out, wrapped in the fluffy white robe similar to the ones that had been in the hotel room they shared after saying 'I do', Tony approached her cautiously. "Hey."

Ziva tucked some damp hair behind her ear. "Hi."

He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Think you could use a hug?"

A smile tugged at her lips and she stepped into his welcoming embrace, her arms tight around his waist. Tony held her like she was his greatest treasure and rested his cheek on her hair, sighing partly in relief. The ability, the freedom to have her in his arms was nothing short of amazing. Ziva soaked as much comfort as she could out of the moment, finally leaning back to see his eyes. "Thank you."

Tony made a face. "Wish I could do more."

She shook her head. "No, this is what I need." He didn't seem convinced, so she elaborated. "I need you to be stable when I am not. I need you to be sure when I cannot tell what is real. I need you to be here so that I know this is not a dream. I need you in my life, because I spent four months thinking that I had driven you out of it and that what had broken could never be repaired. I need you and I love you Tony," Ziva whispered. "I love you."

He held her chin gently in his hand, tilting his head so that their lips met. She responded quickly, matching the give and take of the kisses he strove to keep slow and languid and achingly tender, when he would've rathered them be frenzied and heated and full of promise. Ziva kissed him one last time and stepped away, reaching up to caress his cheek. "I married such a good man." She didn't wait for his reply, instead closing herself in their room to get dressed. Tony stood staring at the door that separated them and slouched into a kitchen chair. Being what she needed, and only what she needed, was going to be a test of every shred of self-control he possessed, because at this moment all he wanted was everything he couldn't have.

**NCIS**

Tony had known Ziva long enough to learn that she didn't hide behind silence and closed doors, but with long sleeves, dark colours, ponytails and no eye contact. So when she came out dressed in black yoga pants, black socks, a baggy black hoody, and her hair loosely pulled back he could see exactly what was happening. He met her by the kitchen table and reached for her hands which were tucked under her arms. Tony pulled them gently out of the defensive position and rubbed gently, hoping to work some warmth back into her chilled skin.

He stared at her for over a minute before his heavy gaze brought her eyes to his. "If you're going to retreat, take me with you."

Her lips trembled and she swallowed. "I am afraid of the memories Tony. To have lived through it once was bad enough. I cannot do it again."

Tony drew her into the shelter of his arms and sighed into her hair. "I wish I could take them away for you."

Ziva's voice was small and she burrowed even tighter against him. "Me too."

He held her that way for a long time before bending to get his arm under her knees and picking her up. She squeaked in surprise and he chuckled, kissing her cheek. Ziva repositioned her arms around his neck and lay her head on his shoulder, feeling warm and protected and loved. Tony carried his wife to the couch and sat with her curled in his lap, breathing her scent while Ziva soaked up everything he was offering. Eventually he loosened his grip and tucked a stray brown lock behind her ear.

"Today feels like a _Touched By An Angel_ day, don't you think?" It was nothing if not a feel good show and angels or not, they always agreed that Monica and Andrew would be good together. She nodded and reluctantly shifted off of him so he could get up and put the DVD in.

Her fear filled eyes followed him when he walked past the couch and into the kitchen. Oblivious, Tony filled the kettle with water and plugged it in, getting out everything needed to make the perfect cup of tea before turning to Ziva with a smile. It dropped at her expression and he moved to the couch, kneeling down and folding his arms on the back. "What's that look Zi?"

She started to pick at the polish on her nails but stopped, enjoying the way they looked too much to mess it up yet. Her gaze was on her fingers and he had to strain to catch her words. "I do not want you to leave."

Tony leaned forward and kissed her nose, making Ziva jump because she wasn't expecting it. "You're where I want to be sweetheart, I'll be here as long as you need me." The kettle clicked off and he rose to fix the hot drink just the way she liked it. Ziva accepted the mug gratefully and snuggled against him the second he sat down. Tony smiled and slid his arm around her, kissing the top of her head. He didn't just want her close because she was afraid, but to have her seek his comfort was a step in the right direction.

After the first episode, Tony got up to go find them something for lunch. Ziva fought herself to stay seated when all she wanted was to follow him, to be near enough to hear his heart beating because that was when she felt safe. But the independent streak she'd been so known for before this summer was slowly rising up again, and Ziva did not want to appear weak and needy. She was Mossad, she did not need a man to fulfill any needs. _Was Mossad_, she corrected herself harshly. _I am no longer that woman. It is not wrong to need my husband_.

Tony heard her muttering and looked up. "Talking to me Zi?" He could've sworn she blushed.

"No," Ziva mumbled after a moment, "only myself."

His eyebrows rose. "Huh. And are you and yourself getting along okay?"

She made a face at him but Tony had a feeling she was trying not to smile. "We are in a disagreement," she said at last.

He chuckled as he put a bowl in the microwave. "And who's winning?"

Ziva's eyes danced over his face and eventually she smiled. "I did."

Tony was intrigued. "It had something to do with me, didn't it?" She shrugged. "Did it come out in my favour?" Ziva nodded and turned back to the show, not sharing any more.

She was thoroughly surprised, however, when Tony carried over a tray holding a bowl of chicken soup with matza balls floating in it. "Tony." His name came out like a question.

He held up his hands. "Don't get any ideas, it wasn't me. Nettie stored a ton of interesting stuff in our freezer and left me with strict instructions about what to put together." Tony's lips quirked up. "You like it though, right?"

Ziva dipped her spoon in, blew on it, and tried a bit. "It tastes like home," she whispered and he squeezed her shoulder gently.

"Enjoy babe." He got his own portion and joined her and they spent the next hour holding hands and relaxing together. All of a sudden a thought occurred to Tony and he stood abruptly. "Be right back." He disappeared into the office with the phone and was gone long enough to make her nervous. Finally Tony came back out and took in the question on her face. He sat down and rubbed his hands together. "I called a car service and arranged to have someone meet Nettie at the airport." Her brow furrowed and he caressed her cheek with his thumb. "You're not ready for all those people, for the stress of being in a crowded building as well as seeing your aunt for the first time in a year. And I can't leave you alone, not like this. Not when you haven't wanted me out of your sight in hours." Tony shook his head. "I'm not okay with you being alone Zi, not for the two hours it might take with traffic and baggage claim and everything else." The look in her dark eyes was hard to decipher and he blew out a breath. "Don't be mad."

She pulled the hoody sleeves up over her hands. "I am not mad Tony, I am disappointed. In myself," she clarified when he seemed hurt. "Because you are right. I do not know how I would react in a crowd of people when my emotions and my grasp on reality are so uncertain. But I do not like being different. She will expect us to be there and I feel I am letting her down by staying home." Ziva crossed her arms and shifted to face the wall. "I do not want to be a victim Tony. I do not want to be weak and fragile and helpless. I do not want the summer to be there every time I turn around. But I cannot make it stop."

He could see her withdrawing and closed his arms around her to stop it. Her reaction was immediate, the unexpected movement setting her defenses into action. She slapped his hands away and jolted to her feet, panic flashing through her brown irises and breaths coming too rapid and shallow for her to get enough oxygen. Tony jumped up when he saw her sway and pushed her back onto the couch, forcing her head between her knees to get the blood back where it belonged so she would stay conscious. The last thing they needed was her fainting in addition to the freak out she was already having.

As soon as she could lift her head without feeling woozy, Ziva balled her fists and glared at her husband. "Stop touching me without telling me first!" Her vehemence caught him off guard and Tony remembered what she'd just said about her emotional state being somewhat unstable.

"I'm sorry." Tony dragged a hand down his face. "I was trying to help Zi, I didn't mean to make it worse."

She fidgeted, but slowly the ire drained from her and she slumped into the corner of the couch, exhausted. They didn't speak for the longest time, and finally he offered her his hands. "Think maybe a nap would help?"

Ziva pushed herself up without his support. "I think I will take it alone." She got her balance using the back of the couch and he watched her go, sagging into the cushions. Everything was up in there air - here, then there, then here again until he couldn't make sense of anything. He knew she couldn't help her reactions and Tony couldn't even begin to guess what was going on inside her head, but the worst possible thing was knowing she was somewhere inside herself, lost and alone, when she needed his strength to fight because she didn't have any left.

**NCIS**

Nettie got off the plane and drifted with the other passengers out to the gate. She anxiously scanned the waiting crowd for her niece and nephew, and was somewhat alarmed to see a man holding a board with her name on it. She started towards him, still hoping to see Tony or Ziva somewhere nearby. When she stopped in front of him, the man looked at her questioningly. "Gveret David?" _Ms. David?_

Her eyebrows rose into her hair on hearing the proper address. "Ken. Ata medaber Ivrit?" _Yes. You speak Hebrew?_

He smiled. "Ken. Shmi Aden. Ani yakhol la'azor laykha?" _Yes. My name is Aden. Can I help you (with your bag)?_

Nettie shook her head. "Lo, toda. Eifo sheli mishpacha?" _No, thank you. Where is my family?_

At that Aden shrugged. "I was only asked to meet you here and take you to them. I don't know any more."

She nodded. "Very well."

He led the way to the baggage claim, though she already knew where it was from the last time and Nettie was grateful for a strong young man to lift her suitcase off the carousel. She had packed for an indefinite length of time, not knowing what state she would find either of them in. They made small talk as Aden guided her through the crowd and out to his car. He left her alone with her thoughts once they were free of the airport and Nettie stared unseeing out the window as concern built inside her, unable to figure out why Tony and Ziva had not come for her themselves.

After less time than she expected given that she'd arrived in evening instead of early morning, Aden pulled into the driveway of a familiar yellow house and got out to open her door. He carried the suitcase up to the front door and Nettie reach into her purse for a tip, but he waved her off. "It has all been taken care of. Na'im me'od Gveret, have a nice visit." _Pleased to meet you._

She smiled as he left and raised her hand to knock. Tony answered the door only moments later and stared at her. Nettie was startled by the sheen of tears in his eyes when he wrapped her in a gentle hug and she reached up to cup his cheeks. "What is it achyan?"

He blinked rapidly and grabbed her suitcase, setting it beside the coatrack. "It's so good to see you Doda." Tony looked towards their bedroom. "She's pushing me away. I can't do anything right. I think she needs something I can't give."

Nettie rested her hand on his chest for a moment and left her shoes on the mat, walking softly to the closed door and letting herself in. Ziva lay curled up on the bed with her eyes closed, facing the wall. She made her way around and sat carefully by her niece's side, brushing her fingers over soft wavy hair she'd never expected to feel again. "Zivaleh," she crooned, "wake up child. I am here."

Ziva's eyes fluttered open and she slowly focused on the old woman by her side. "Doda?" she croaked, unsure if what she saw was real or imagined.

The arms that slid around her confirmed the woman was not a dream and Ziva suddenly could not hold on tight enough. Tears leaked from both their eyes and fragments of sentences slipped out in more than one language as they tried to comprehend a reunion that should never have been. Love shone in Nettie's eyes when she finally pulled away. "Oh my dear, I have never been so happy to see anyone!" She took Ziva's face in her hands. "I cannot believe that my little bird is alive!"

Tony watched from the doorway as Ziva fell against her aunt and cried for reasons he could only guess at. He couldn't bear to be any further away, so he shamelessly eavesdropped on the emotional moment, waiting to be noticed. At last Nettie looked over and saw him, holding out her hand for him to join them. "Come here Anthony, let me see you both together."

It didn't escape the notice of either aunt or husband the way Ziva stiffened slightly and moved away, giving him plenty of space and a clear message not to get too close to her. Frowning, Nettie opened her mouth to ask but caught the minute shake of Tony's head which begged her to leave it alone for the moment. Instead she kissed both their cheeks and looked them over from head to toe, just to make sure they were all in one piece. Then she placed her hands on her hips.

"If either one of you ever so much as thinks of doing anything so foolish again as risking your lives, or God-forbid, trying to lose them entirely," at that she glared hard at Tony," I will move in here permanently and you will not be able to get rid of me." Her expression was fierce as she made sure she had their attention. "Do not ever send me so close to losing my family again. You are all I have left children, please do not take that away from me." When she finished both appeared suitably chastened and Nettie nodded. "Good. Now, it is past supper time and I am starving. If you are not hungry, you should be. What can I make?"

Tony tried to protest. "You're a guest here Doda, you don't have to cook."

She made a face at him. "I am not a guest, I am family. And while I am here, I am in charge of the kitchen. Heaven knows what sort of shape I found it in last time," she muttered under her breath. "Now, what would you like?"

Put in his place in no uncertain terms, Tony threw on a half-grin and leaned back on his hands. "Pancakes?"

A loving expression settled on her face at the memory. "Yes," Nettie said slowly, "I think pancakes are a wonderful idea." She raised an eyebrow at her niece. "Ziva?"

The younger woman shrugged and she took it as an agreement, heading for the kitchen with a mission in mind. That left the couple awkwardly sharing the same space but still on opposite sides of the line Ziva had drawn earlier. Tony cleared his throat and gestured for her to leave first while he brought up the rear, hoping against hope that having Nettie around would be good for his wife. All he wanted was his Ziva back.


	7. Chapter 7

Tony and Ziva stayed relatively silent while Nettie found what she needed and whipped up a batch of pancakes. She couldn't take it for very long and shooed Tony off to go watch a movie, occupying Ziva with the task of setting the table. She did so with meticulous detail and Nettie's eyebrows rose. "I expected to see you at the airport motek, what happened?"

Her niece's shoulders sagged and Ziva shrugged listlessly. "Ani mitzta'eret Doda, but it would have been...too much so soon." _I am sorry._

The older woman nodded. "Ah. And is there a reason you are not speaking to your husband, the man who almost got himself killed trying to avenge your death?"

Ziva winced a bit at the too-apt description. "Things are not easy between us yet. I am not..." she sighed. "I am not the woman he remembers, the woman he wants. She is gone and I am here and," she wiped at one tear before it could fall, "being alive is so much harder than I expected. Living is a challenge...unpredictable, no two moments the same for very long. It is not easy to adjust to being part of the world again, and part of Tony's life."

Nettie dusted her hands off and folded Ziva in a gentle embrace. "Oh sweet girl, I know you cannot see it now, but the sun will come out and shine again, I promise."

She didn't look convinced. "I hope that is one you can keep." Drifting away to the office where she had relative privacy, Ziva tried to fill the time until Nettie called her for dinner. But she didn't. In typical Nettie fashion where she helped whether it was welcome or not, Tony was sent to get her.

He poked his head in the door and surveyed his wife sitting in the corner chair and staring out into their backyard. "Hey." Her head came up at the sound of his voice and slowly turned his direction. "Everything's ready. Nettie says they're best eaten hot." She stood up, moving a bit stiffly, and tried to slip past him, but Tony was done with the separation. He stopped, his hands on her arms even while she tried to shrink away. "Don't do this," he whispered. "You promised Zi, please stop pushing me away."

The inner battle she fought was visible in her posture, but finally she found the resolve to push past the demons to her place at his side. Ziva looked up at him hesitantly, hating a repeat of the words she'd used so many times already, but she had nothing better to give him. "I am sorry."

Tony shook his head. "I don't need you to apologize every time we run into one of those desert fragments. Our lives are like a minefield right now Zi, and we'll only make it out intact if you follow exactly in my footsteps or I follow in yours. I can't leave you alone out there honey, and I'm so afraid that you're going to leave me lost in the middle without anyone to watch my back. Please," he repeated, bringing his hands up to cup her face, his voice lowering until she could hardly hear it, "stay with me Ziva. I love you. I love you." Tony swallowed, staring into her eyes and leaning in to cover her mouth with his. For the longest moment of his life Ziva stood still as stone, then her lips moved to follow his in a long familiar dance and relief like a waterfall flooded his soul. Her fingers found places to rest on his neck and Tony shivered at her touch, still far too cold for his liking. But he kept her close anyways, savouring every second of the precious connection between them.

At last a throat clearing behind them broke the couple apart. Nettie stood with her arms crossed, a flipper in one hand and a twinkle in her eyes. "I'm glad you've made up, but your pancakes are getting cold."

Ziva blushed and dipped her head, but Tony's fingers curled between hers to keep her from drawing away. She smiled briefly, fully overwhelmed by the depth of love plainly visible in his clear green eyes. She mouthed 'I love you' before taking her seat and Tony grabbed an extra chair from the spare room, seeing both his ladies settled and then bringing their plates. Over supper Nettie chatted brightly about nothing in particular, keeping a close eye on how much they both were eating. Tony spent most of the meal holding Ziva's hand, as she had the ability to be ambidextrous and could eat with her left hand when necessary. They exchanged fleeting smiles every so often and the lack of tension between them warmed Nettie's heart.

When plates were finally emptied, and she noticed with satisfaction that Ziva managed almost the entire cake, Tony pushed his away and cleared his throat. "Usually, and especially now, I don't like spending the night apart from my wife, but tonight I'll make an exception Doda, if you and Ziva want to share our bed."

Ziva's eyebrows lifted, a strange mixture of delight and disappointment warring in her beautiful brown eyes as she contemplated both the extra time with her aunt and falling asleep without her husband's reassuring presence by her side. Nettie took her cue from Ziva and smiled. "That is very generous Anthony, thank you. I would prefer not to separate the two of you, but I am glad for a night with Ziva." She picked at her clothes and made a face. "I will take a shower first. I dislike smelling of an airplane."

With that she excused herself and Tony turned to Ziva. "Can I get some quality time before you go to bed?" She nodded so he led her to the couch and sat sideways, settling Ziva between his legs, wrapping her in a comforting embrace. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "I'm going to miss you tonight."

She leaned her head back. "I could sneak out after Aunt Nettie is asleep."

Tony knew she was only teasing, but he appreciated the effort. "Come get me if you need me. Bunking down on the floor is always an option since the bed is taken."

Ziva brushed her lips over his jaw. "I will always need you Tony. I just have to...let myself need you."

"Is that the hard part now?" he asked quietly, striving to understand where her head was at.

She nodded. "Sometimes. It is also strange to have everything back to normal in my life except me. Me feels like things will never be normal again. Maybe I do not even know what that is anymore."

Tony played with her rings while he thought. "Why do things have to be normal?"

Ziva rolled her neck to the side and looked at him. "What?"

He shifted to see her better. "What's normal Zi? You're measuring yourself by something that doesn't even exist. Don't make normal your goal, just focus on good and better. Work towards eating and gaining weight and not being afraid or on alert all the time. Healing is about baby steps, not reaching for some elusive, invisible goal that you may not even recognize when you get there." His eyes flickered to her lips, a warning of his intention before Tony closed the gap between them and kissed her. It was gentle and warm and soft and Ziva almost wished it didn't have to end. Pulling back, he smiled. "Some day we're going to look around and realize we found something called normal without having to search for it. It'll happen babe, just slow down and take your time."

She nestled against him and pondered that logic for awhile. "So you mean," she began slowly, "that I should only worry about one day at a time?"

"Yeah," Tony sighed and hugged her, never able to get enough of being close, "that's exactly what I mean."

"Hm." Ziva absently traced her fingers over his arm. "Okay."

His eyebrows rose in surprise, never expecting it to be that easy. "Okay?"

She smiled slightly. "I will try it your way for awhile." Ziva's nose wrinkled. "I hate that word, try, but I do not know another to use that means the same thing."

Tony laced their fingers together. "Try doesn't mean you have to get it right. It means you do your best and sometimes you fail, but you pick yourself up and try again. Try is unlimited opportunities for success, as long as you never give up."

She wondered when he got so deep and profound. "I am not used to doing things more than once. In Mossad, in my father's house, failure was not an option," Ziva confessed. "But I like the idea of not having to be perfect all the time. To be able to make a mess and still have someone love me even if they have to help me clean it up." She studied his face. "Will you?"

"Always," Tony answered huskily. "No matter how many times you fall, I'll always be here to help you up again, to pick up the pieces and work to fix what's broken." He held out his little finger. "That's a promise."

With a small smile playing on her lips, Ziva hooked her pinky around his. "I love you," she whispered, thin fingers tracing the outline of his mouth.

Tony's eyes closed and he swallowed. "I'll never be able to hear that enough. I love you more than anything in the whole world Ziva David-DiNozzo, don't you ever forget that."

"I will not," she promised solemnly, and the two sat in silence after that, basking in their love and each other's presence until Nettie emerged from the bathroom ready for bed.

She watched them for a moment, heads bent close together as they shared everything that didn't need to be said with eye contact that never wavered. Finally the old woman cleared her throat. "It is my turn to claim my niece's attention Anthony. You have had her all to yourself for a whole week."

Tony sighed dramatically and stood, helping Ziva up. "I suppose I can share if I must, but only tonight Doda. I need her too much to be that far away for long."

Nettie chuckled. "Do not worry, I will give her back."

Ziva crossed her arms. "Stop talking about me as if I am not here."

Tony kissed her cheek. "Sorry. Have a good sleep, okay?"

She rested her hand on his chest. "You too. Laila tov yakiri. Ani ohevet otcha." _Good night darling/I love you._

He grinned. "Gam ani." _Me too._

Nettie followed Ziva into the bedroom and closed the door. "His Hebrew is getting better."

She rubbed her arm. "He wants to learn it for me."

"You know English. I think it would be very special for you both to share Hebrew as well. And," Nettie added, "it will be good for your children, someday."

Despair followed closely by panic flashed through Ziva's eyebrows and her gaze flitted around the room nervously. "I need...I need Tony," she blurted out, rushing from the room while Nettie stood frowning by the bed, wondering what she'd said.

Tony was laying on the couch getting ready to watch one of his James Bond movies when Ziva came out with a wild look on her face. He was on his feet in an instant and grasping her outstretched hands in his. "Ziva, hey," he tried to catch her eyes. "What is it? What's wrong?" Three minutes ago she was fine. Or as fine as one could be after spending four months being tortured in a terror camp.

Tears gathered and threatened to spill down her cheeks. "She mentioned children. Again. I cannot..." Ziva covered her mouth and closed her eyes, sending the tears streaking down her face.

Tony hugged her tightly, letting out a shaky breath. It was a subject they'd steered clear of since her announcement a year after their wedding. He pulled back and cupped her face, staring deep into the troubled brown irises. "I would have wanted children with you Ziva," Tony choked out. "And we would've been better than our parents. We would've protected them and loved them and encouraged every dream." He swallowed hard. "I am so sorry that choice was taken from you."

"And you," she whispered, before dissolving into painful, gasping sobs for something precious lost long before they knew how much they would want it. He surrounded her in his embrace, running one hand up and down her back to soothe the anguish in her soul. Several minutes passed before she could be calmed and then Ziva looked at him pleadingly. "Please come with me to tell her. I do not want to be alone when she hears the truth."

He kissed her forehead and slid his arm around her back. "Of course."

They walked slowly into the bedroom where Nettie waited, concerned even more when she saw Ziva wiping the wetness from her cheeks. "Zivaleh, what is wrong? What did I say?"

Tony pulled Ziva a bit closer, trying to decide how to start. "You stepped in something we usually don't talk about." He sighed heavily and looked to his wife for guidance.

She hesitated. "Tony and I..." Ziva shook her head. "There will never be any children for us. I do not...I cannot..." She floundered and turned to Tony.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "She doesn't have the option of getting pregnant Nettie, not any more."

Sorrow filled the old woman's eyes. "From the camp? That is something they took away?"

Ziva stared at the floor. "Not the camp Doda. Mossad."

Anger flared in her grey eyes. "Eli? He let you do this?" Then she changed her mind and snorted. "Of course not. I am sure he encouraged it so you could do anything for him with no consequences." Nettie muttered something in Yiddish that sounded derisive enough for Tony to get the point. "That man never deserved to be a father. Only when you were small did he love you the way you deserved." She moved to Ziva. "How Eli fathered such a sweet child I will never know. It must have been your mother's doing." Her shoulders sagged. "So much waste."

When Nettie put her arms around her niece, Tony took it as his cue to bow out. He pressed a kiss to the back of Ziva's head and retreated to the livingroom, sitting down and covering his face with his hands. Ziva's words echoed in his head. _There will never be any children for us. _He pinched the bridge of his nose, willing himself not to picture the children he and Ziva could have had, not to imagine what it would be like for the living, breathing, cherished product of their love to call him Daddy. Tanned skin, curly hair, green or brown eyes with a mischievous smile they'd get from him, a love of movies and being outdoors, Ziva's crazy ninja and language skills and his talent at sports.

But there would never be little girls in pink tutus or little boys holding a basketball, only the two of them together for the next fifty years. And while there was nothing wrong with that, and certainly in the tumultuous three years of their marriage thus far there hadn't been a calm, stable place for a child, maybe after five years or ten they'd start to wish for more, someone else to fill their lives with laughter and joy. But that wasn't an option and Tony wasn't sure he was done grieving for the one thing that wouldn't be a part of their future. He lay back down and got comfortable, the exchange with Ziva and Nettie never far from his thoughts as he wondered what it would have been like to be somebody's daddy.

**NCIS**

In the bedroom Nettie finally released her niece and the two women finished changing and got under the covers, with Ziva moving Moses to her bedside table before she lay down. Her aunt smiled at the childhood friend who had gone everywhere with a curly haired little girl and been part of every activity until her father deemed her too old for the comfort only babies were supposed to need. Even just thinking about Eli's rules made Nettie angry. He had never seen the tender heart of his daughter, only the potential she had to be part of his plan.

When they were settled, the older woman reached out to touch Ziva's cheek. "Bat yafa sheli, I love you very much, and I cannot begin to guess how bad this summer had been for you. I want you to tell me everything. Every hurt, every thought, every moment of being afraid that you can remember. Please Zivi, you need this." _My beautiful girl._

Ziva's eyes widened and she shifted back. "Doda, no. You do not know...you cannot...do not ask me to burden you with their evil."

Nettie gave her a stern look. "I am not a naive woman Ziva. I am seventy-six years old and I have seen more of what goes on in this world than you will ever know. Tell me when it has ever worked out for you or made things better to keep them locked away inside? No," she decided, "it is time, right now while the pain is still fresh. You must let the poison out or it will fester in your mind and your heart forever." She took Ziva's hand in her strong grip. "Every detail dear one, do not shield me from any of it. I know what cruel men do to women, do not be ashamed of anything that happened. I promise I will listen without judgement and if you need to cry, we will cry together." She brushed Ziva's hair away from your face. "Take your time, I am here for as long as you need."

Having spent nearly every waking second of the last nine days avoiding any thoughts of the terror camp, Ziva was slow to open up. But once she did the words couldn't be stopped and she poured out to her aunt the agony and heartbreak and pain and shame and guilt of four months she'd spent as a victim, as something less than human, worthless and tossed aside. "There was a time when it got very, very bad," she shared eventually, "and every day I wished, hoped, prayed that I would die before they came back. But it never happened and sometimes I am still not sure if I should be glad I am alive, or angry that my chance at death was stolen away."

One hundred and fourteen days was a very long time, and because of their savage treatment of her and the effects starvation had on her mind, Ziva couldn't account for everything that had gone on or every day of her captivity, but she remembered enough to chill Nettie's blood and add fire to her rage over the injustice and depravity of it all. When she finally got to the end, the morning before Tony and McGee had been brought to the camp, the last time she'd been used and abused by them before Saleem dragged her into that room, hours had passed and they were both completely worn out.

Ziva fiddled with the edge of the sheet. "I cannot tell Tony. I cannot tell him any of this. He...he already blames himself enough. He cannot hear this too."

Nettie stilled her hands. "Ziva, you do not give him enough credit. Anthony loves you. He mourned for you, he fought for you. Do you not think he deserves all that you can give? Surely the details cannot be worse than some of the things he must be imagining."

"No!" she repeated forcefully. "Please Doda, do not try to change my mind on this. There are some things a husband should never hear. I will protect him from that knowledge at all costs."

That did not seem the best way to handle the situation, but it had only been a week and her niece was nowhere near back to herself yet. Finally she stroked Ziva's hair and began humming. "Hush now Zivi, it is alright. You amaze me child," she murmured softly. "Your strength and your will put me to shame."

Ziva listened to her aunt's voice and closed her eyes, slowly falling into an exhausted sleep. Nettie kept her vigil for awhile longer, before allowing herself the same luxury, leaving Tony as the only person awake in the house. After the first movie he tried to settle down, but couldn't, not when he could hear low voices through the wall and wondered what they were talking about. Not when every time his eyes fell shut he remembered that Ziva was not at his side where he preferred her to be.

Finally he sat up and switched on the light, looking around for something to occupy his mind. His eyes fell on a tied up plastic bag and Tony frowned, trying to think of what might be inside. Curiosity overrode tiredness and he set it on his lap, undoing the knot with little difficulty and looking in to find the pieces Ziva had cleaned up of pictures and drawings she'd destroyed after coming to grips with her father's betrayal. Somehow it just didn't seem right to throw away the few pieces of her childhood that had been left for her, so Tony took a flat shelf from the mostly empty bookcase in the corner and laid it on the floor, going to the office for some packing tape, scissors, and card stock before starting on his restoration project.

Long into the night he knelt on the floor, carefully fitting pieces back together and taping them up, returning sanity to brokenness and slowly repairing the evidence of how much Eli had hurt his daughter. It was somewhere after the middle of the night and before dawn when Tony finally set the papers aside. He was asleep as soon as his head found the pillow, but Ziva was not so fortunate.

The exhausted sleep that had claimed her after talking with Nettie lasted only four hours, then she woke suddenly, unable to settle down or find a comfortable position, though she tried fruitlessly, taking care not to disturb her aunt. Finally Ziva gave up and left the bed, treading silently across the floor and sneaking out. Her eyes adjusted to the dark and she let herself into the spare room, finding Tony on his side with his arm resting where she should be. She surveyed him fondly and lay down with her back to his chest, pulling his arm around her and finally was able to relax. Even in his current state Tony adjusted to hold her and nuzzled his nose into her hair. Ziva closed her eyes and sighed, drifting into dreams with only his steady breathing as her lullaby.

**NCIS**

Tony's internal alarm woke him up before mid-morning and he was thoroughly confused as he tried to focus on the dark wavy hair right in front of his face. He groaned quietly and rubbed tired eyes, not nearly rested enough. Supporting himself on one elbow, he gazed at his sleeping wife, utterly thankful for the peace in her expression. Tony watched her for a long time, then managed to get out from behind her. He bent down in front of the futon and carefully slid his arms under her body, lifting her not as much of a challenge as he expected because she was still so light. He carried her back to their room and lay her gently on the bed, easing the covers up around her and brushing his lips over her temple.

"Sleep tight," Tony whispered, leaving quietly. Once out in the kitchen he kneaded his forehead to combat the tension headache already building and found a pad of paper to scribble a note on. He grabbed a bagel, slathered it in jam and left, needing some time to himself to decompress and feeling sure that Ziva would be safe with Nettie. Anyone would know better than to get between that mama bear and her cub. He drove to an outdoor shooting range first and signed out a weapon, paying for an hour. Setting up in an empty stall, Tony loaded a full clip into the gun, slowed his breathing, and focused on the first target.

For the allotted time he methodically emptied clip after clip, adjusted his sight, and improved his aim every time there was a mistake. It helped some, but not as much as another hour at the gym. It was noon when he finally made it back, feeling a bit more in control and a little bit lighter than when he left. Nettie and Ziva, both women who preferred early morning hours, were just coming out of the bedroom as he walked in the door. He felt a little guilty for sneaking off when they looked at him questioningly.

"Uh, hi. Sleep okay?" Neither answered and Tony cleared his throat. "Who has first dibs on the shower?"

Nettie waved him towards the bathroom. "You go ahead. Ziva and I can start breakfast. It will be ready when you are done." She knew how long Tony could spend in the shower when he wanted to be alone and have time to think.

Tony ignored the weight of Ziva's gaze as he brushed past them and closed the door behind him. Ziva's brow furrowed. "I do not like when he hides from me." It did not happen often, but definitely more since she came back than before.

The older woman clucked her tongue. "Now you know how he feels when you do the same."

Being reprimanded did not sit well with her and she brooded silently until Nettie made enough commotion in the kitchen to get her point across. Ziva sighed. "Would you like help Doda?"

Nettie looked up with an expression of delight as if it had been all her niece's idea. "Toda." She opened the fridge door and surveyed the selection. Finding plenty of eggs, cheese, and fresh vegetables, she set about preparing quiche. Nettie had Ziva grate cheese and whisk eggs while she started on the homemade pie crust, trying to leave her with tasks that would be useful but not taxing on either her strength or her healing body.

When Tony came out of the bathroom much later in a fresh set of clothes, having spent most of his time in the shower sitting and thinking and the rest of it stalling for as long as possible before he faced the women, a steaming quiche was just being pulled from the oven and Nettie directed him to sit at the table. Ziva watched him with dark, concerned eyes and things were a bit strained over the meal, as if suddenly no one knew what to say. He headed for the door right after they finished, muttering something about mowing the lawn, and left two Israelis looking after him in consternation.

After a moment Nettie put her hand on Ziva's shoulder. "Time for dishes motek. Today there is much to be done."

While Ziva washed and dried the accumulation of dishes from two meals, her aunt got a slew of ingredients from the cupboards and fridge. In her head were dozens of recipes from Israel and the old woman was determined to make everything she could think of that might tempt her niece's appetite. Borekas - turnovers filled with cheese and potato, then cut open and stuffed full of sliced hard boiled eggs. Falafels, hummus, chicken schnitzel, and whole wheat pitas. By the time they were finished in the kitchen and had cleaned up, Tony was done and shut up in the office, still not speaking to either of them.

He stayed there to do some research on his computer while Ziva and Nettie sat on the newly cut grass talking in Hebrew, the familiar but mostly undecipherable language making it to his ears through the open window. He paused often in what he was doing to stare out the glass doors at his wife. After the fifth time she'd shifted positions and he caught her rubbing her forehead, Tony left to get a few things and went out to join them. Without a word he took Ziva's hand, dropped two pills in her palm, gave each lady a bottle of cold water, and slid a pair of his aviator shades over her ears.

"Stop being so tough," he murmured, touching her hair gently. "You know you don't have to ask." Then Tony went back inside and Nettie's eyebrows rose as she watched Ziva adjust the sunglasses and swallow the pills.

"What was that all about?"

She sighed. "Tony knows the light still bothers my eyes and he reads the signs of a headache well enough. I do not usually take drugs if I can help it." Ziva turned towards the house. "I do not deserve him sometimes."

Nettie leaned forward and put her hand on Ziva's knee. "None of us can ever deserve another's love and loyalty, but we must take great care not to undervalue the gift."

She nodded slowly. "I know. But it is hard to be someone when I do not even know who I am any more."

Grey eyes looked seriously into their own reflection. "That is something you need to figure out in a hurry then my girl. Your husband is worth any decisions you have to make about your own identity."

Looking at her husband through the doors, Ziva chewed on the inside of her lip, knowing that her aunt was right.

_Replies:_

_Guest - no kidding. They'll be doing the 2 steps forward, 10 steps back dance for the next few chapters, but they'll eventually get things sorted out. I agree. Aunt Nettie is going to be instrumental in making Z think about her actions and how they affect others, among other things. If only...I love AN and I think we should keep her, but Israel is her home. Altho...I don't know...I won't completely rule it out as a possibility in the Part 7 universe. You're right that they need her and she needs them. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - Definitely. Tony has nowhere really to draw his strength from and he's finding it difficult to hold up under the strain of everything going on. This won't be the first time he needs a break. Yes, after losing so much, she still needs to brief happy memories, because there were good days even though the bad ones tend to overshadow them. I like how you put that, she's out but not really free. That's a pretty apt description. Flashbacks and nightmares are tough because Z has no way to control them and T would never do anything on purpose to trigger one, so they're both hurt when it happens. I think Nettie will be good for both of them. I'm glad you liked the part about how Z hides. Retreating into herself is exactly what she does, and tries to keep the rest of the world out. I wish she'd just let him do everything too, but after the trauma she's suffered nothing is going to be easy. The situation is going to be complicated for awhile, but if I know T&Z they'll eventually figure things out. Thanks for reviewing Sarah! :)_


	8. Chapter 8

Nettie kicked them out while she worked on supper and the couple stood awkwardly on the front steps, trying not to look at each other. Finally Tony glanced Ziva's way and held out his hand. She accepted with the hint of a smile in her eyes and they set off down the street with no particular destination in mind. Ziva wanted to open the conversation but she didn't know how, there seemed to be an invisible wall that had sprung up between them and she missed the closeness they'd been working their way towards. For forty-five minutes they walked in silence, one fretting and one thinking, the distance from Tony's heart to Ziva's, though their hands were joined, felt about a hundred miles wide.

Tony didn't open up any more during dinner even though Nettie had made shakshuka specifically for him. Ziva picked that night's movie, a Hallmark feature because they all needed something to make them feel good at the moment. When it came time for bed, Ziva kissed Nettie's cheeks and left to get ready so that she was waiting when Tony finally came in after taking his turn in the bathroom. He seemed unsure and looked anywhere but her when he at last folded back the covers and crawled into bed.

Ziva was determined that he could not ignore her any longer and slid close, sitting up and placing her hand over his heart. "Talk to me ahava, please. If I am to let you into everything happening in my head, you must do the same."

Tony sighed. "It's really heavy Ziva, what we're facing. I'm not sure where my strength is going to come from to fight for us."

She tilted her head. "From me. From our love. From family in Aunt Nettie and friends on our team. You do not have to be alone in this."

He swallowed and finally met her eyes. "I thought I was supposed to be the encouraging one?"

Ziva shrugged and leaned down to join their lips briefly. "We can take turns." She lay with her head on his chest, fingers playing lightly over his t-shirt. "Why did you bring me back in here this morning?"

Tony breathed in her scent and settled his arm around her, content for the first time all day. "Didn't want you to wake up alone," he answered finally.

She propped her head up to look at him. "Where did you go?"

"Needed to work out some of the stress." His answers were beginning to sound like Gibbs.

Ziva kissed the spot over his heart and rolled on to her side. "I love you," she whispered, feeling responsible for his struggle and her own pain. So far it seemed that the consequences of her poor choices would follow them for much longer than she would have preferred. But then again, she'd never really expected her life to get a happy ending. The battle they currently faced was all the proof she needed that it was never likely to happen.

**NCIS**

A chilling scream jerked both Tony and Nettie out of a deep sleep and the old woman scrambled off the futon and rushed into her niece and nephew's room. She hovered by the bed while Tony tried to talk a bit of reality into his wife's terrified mind. Nettie took a step forward, aching to help, and Ziva's eyes fell on her as the tears started to come. She was immediately cradled in aging arms and Nettie stroked her hair, rocking her back and forth and speaking softly in her first language. It seemed like ages before Ziva calmed down and let go and Nettie caught a glimpse of Tony's expression, suddenly feeling as if she'd overstepped. The nightmares, if they continued to plague her, were something Ziva and Tony would have to learn to face together, and tonight she had interrupted one of his chances to figure out how to help.

Nettie eventually kissed her niece and returned to the spare room, leaving the couple alone. Once the door was closed, Tony caught Ziva's eyes. "Hey." She rubbed the wetness from her cheeks and propped elbows on her bent knees and trying to cope as the residual memories from the dream slowly grew vague and filtered away. He pushed some hair over her shoulder, testing her reaction. Ziva tensed but did not move away and Tony ran his hand down her back. "How can I help honey?" He had to be able to do something.

She moved faster than he was ready for and wrapped her arms around him. Ziva was still shaking and Tony held her carefully, wishing his love could be enough so she never had to face another nightmare. But life rarely made things so easy for them. He kissed the top of her head and sighed. "I'm so sorry."

Ziva eventually let go and rubbed her eyes. "They are not your fault Tony."

He played with her rings. "No, but I hate what they do to you." She had no answer for that and started to get up. Tony frowned and checked the clock. "It's two am Zi, please tell me that's not the end of your night."

She tied a thin cotton robe over her pyjamas and her shoulders sagged. "It is for now. I am not eager to revisit the horror of that place."

Tony joined her, pulling a nearby sweatshirt over his head. "Would it help to talk about what you saw?"

The headshake came swiftly and Ziva hugged her arms around herself. "No," she whispered. "No. Please Tony, do not ask me that."

He brushed his hand down her arm. "What do you need then?"

She seriously considered his question and finally looked at him and bit her lip. "Tea? And a movie? Something I do not have to think about."

Tony gave her his signature half-grin. "Follow me m'lady, that's something I can do."

A real smile graced her face when he put on _Mulan_ and a couple minutes later he placed a mug of tea in her hands. She settled against him when he held out his arm and for ninety minutes of animated silliness all was bright in their little world. When the last credits from the movie had disappeared from view, Tony looked over at his wife. "What do you think babe? Ready to go back to bed?" He really didn't want to be up for the day before four am.

Ziva shook her head. "Can we just stay here?" She asked in a small voice. "It seems safer when we are in a small space."

Having no argument about how close they'd have to be for sleeping on the couch and wanting to do anything to help, Tony agreed. He turned off the TV and kissed her temple, promising to be right back. A minute later he returned with a blanket to share and a familiar brown bear. He shrugged when she looked at him in question. "I saw him by your pillow earlier and thought maybe a little bit of extra comfort wouldn't hurt."

She smiled her thanks and reached for the stuffed animal, fingering his ear. Tony watched the reunion in silence and then offered Ziva her choice of where to sleep - inside or outside. While she would have preferred to be between Tony and the back fo the couch, Ziva didn't want him to fall off either, so she gestured for him to lay down first and pressed her back against his chest, relieved when his arms came around her tightly and he nestled his head into her neck. "Better?" It was impossible to get any closer while fully clothed.

She kissed Moses and held him against her chest, repositioning Tony's hands a little to be more comfortable. "Yes." Closing her eyes, she listened to the sound of her husband's heart beating and prayed for the release of sleep without dreams.

**NCIS**

Nettie didn't start coffee until almost ten am, trying not to wake the couple cuddled together on the couch in a position that would be indecent if they weren't both still in pyjamas. She set to work making a typical Israeli breakfast as quietly as she could, which, by the time it was finished would end up being their noon meal. She started by mixing ingredients for homemade bread in a large bowl and when the dough was ready she took it out and kneaded it for several minutes. Once that was done, Nettie left it in a cloth covered bowl and turned her attention to chopping vegetables.

She had just finished that prep when it was time to punch down the dough, which was done in the office with the door closed so as to hopefully keep her family in their currently sleeping state, and divide it between two loaf pans from under the stove. After brushing it with a mixture of egg and a little water, she left the dough to rise again and got several oranges out of fridge to make juice. Not until the smell of fresh bread began to permeate the room with its warm, welcoming fragrance forty-five minutes later did the couple finally start to stir.

Nettie glanced over and smirked, continuing to arrange cheese slices on a plate. "Good afternoon."

Tony groaned and rubbed his eyes while Ziva hummed and snuggled Moses a bit closer. He shook her shoulder gently. "C'mon Zi, time to wake up." She squished her eyes closed in an exaggerated show of ignoring him and Tony sighed. If things were different he'd tickle her or lick her ear, anything to get a reaction. But he hated the thought of touching her under her clothes - being able to easily count her ribs and feel how sharply her hips poked through her skin, every bump in her spine clearly defined. Tony was almost glad she wasn't ready to have sex with him yet, because Tony didn't think he'd be able to go through with it for fear of hurting her even more.

Even last night when he'd wrapped her in his arms to keep her safe from the memories Tony was reminded how fragile she still was and in truth it scared him to know so tangibly how close he came to really losing her forever. Instead he blew gently on the exposed skin of her neck until she squirmed and made a face at him. Tony kissed her cheek quickly and nudged her to sit up so he could get out from behind her. "Let's go babe, we've already missed breakfast." Moses fell unnoticed under the coffee table when Ziva took his hands to help her up and led her over to the kitchen area.

"We are having breakfast for lunch," Nettie announced, bringing the last dishes to the table.

Ziva surveyed the spread with wide eyes. "Doda...it looks like home."

Whenever she referred to Israel as home Tony's heart clenched. After everything Israel's people had done to her, it didn't deserve her love, loyalty, or allegiance and yet she continued to give her heart to that place. The closest emotion he could find to label his feelings was jealousy. Tony wanted Ziva's home to be here in the US, in DC, in their house, with them.

Nettie smile at Tony, misreading the look on his face. "This is what a breakfast table in Israel would look like on any given morning."

They sat down and began helping themselves to the veritable buffet. Fresh squeezed orange juice, small pots of coffee and tea, eggs sunny side up, pieces of cheese, a little round dish of olives, slices of piping hot fresh bread, and to go on it raspberry jam and butter. One thing confused him though and Tony pointed at the bowl with his fork. "Vegetables for breakfast?"

Ziva nodded. "Salat katzutz. In English a chopped salad. Finely cut tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers mixed with lemon juice and olive oil and seasoned with salt and pepper. It is a staple at any meal."

"Vegetables are readily available and very flavourful in Israel," Nettie elaborated. "We cannot get enough of them."

Tony gamely tried a small bite off Ziva's plate but still wasn't sure about salad for breakfast. His wife, on the other hand, ate more vegetables than anything else, though she did sink her teeth into fresh bread slathered in butter and jam. "I have missed this," she shared quietly, and Tony took a long look at their meal.

"Wouldn't really have time for it before work." Her face fell and he continued. "But I could see it becoming a Saturday morning tradition." He flashed a grin. "DiNozzos will never say no to this much food." Ziva acknowledged his casual promise with a long look before he stood and went to the twice a day pill box by the microwave. He brought back the collection she was supposed to take and she sighed but swallowed each one with a small sip of orange juice. Turning back to her meal, Ziva speared an olive on a toothpick and nibbled at it, but her open, easy mood seemed to have evaporated.

Since Nettie cooked Tony volunteered to do dishes while the ladies took turns showering and getting ready for the day, then the older woman kissed his cheek and stole her niece away for a walk. Tony watched them go with a heavy heart, feeling like Ziva was using her aunt as a shield against being alone with him. That was not a habit he planned to encourage.

Halfway down the treelined street Nettie gestured to a bench and they sat, close together but Ziva still felt a million miles away. "What is this mood Zivi? You are shutting all of us out?"

The younger woman shrugged one shoulder and looked away, but her aunt's gentle persistence eventually won her answer. "Breakfast today made me think about home and what it was like when I was a child. Papa bouncing Tali on his knee, Ari building a wooden airplane on the floor, me on the couch with a book, and Ima in the kitchen pulling bread out of the oven." She picked at her sleeve and turned sorrowful eyes to Nettie. "I miss her so much Doda. I wish she was here. I wish she could hold me and tell me it was all a bad dream, just like she used to. No nightmare ever felt real as long as she stayed by my side, smoothing my hair and singing lullabies." Ziva sighed. "I wish she was here."

Words were so empty and would never fill the hole Rivka had left in Ziva's heart, but Nettie grasped her hand and tried. "I cannot hope to wear your mother's shoes Zivaleh, though my love for you runs very deep. But I know of a man who would stay at your side, playing with your hair and singing to you for as long as necessary if only you could tell him what you need. He would not let your nightmares be real motek."

Ziva spun her rings idly. "I do not know what we are anymore Doda. Old habits are so easy to fall back into, but so much wreckage lies in the space between our hearts. So often I am too tired to fight my way through, but he will not let go."

"No," Nettie agreed, "and he never will. You should have seen him the first time I came dear one. Never have I seen a man grieve so deeply for a woman as he did for you. It was..." she swallowed, "...heartbreaking to watch. You are the only one who can draw him back and together you must work to clear a path for your love. I do not believe you can be without each other Ziva. Remember that the next time you put so much distance between 'we' and 'I'."

There was an endless supply of things in her head that Ziva wished she could articulate, but the war for despair or hope raged loud enough to drown everything else out, and in the end she said nothing at all.

**NCIS**

The day faded away without anyone really being aware of where time had gone and the next thing they knew they were getting ready for bed. Tony entered the room first, leaving Ziva and Nettie finishing their tea on the couch. He was laying there in silent contemplation of the ceiling when Ziva joined him a half hour later. For a long time no words were spoken, but finally she took the first step.

"When I wake up from a nightmare, I think it would help if you sang to me."

That was one of the last things Tony'd expected to hear and he sat up halfway. "What do you want me to sing?"

Ziva's dark eyes ran over his face and she licked her lips. "Something peaceful," she whispered at last. "Sing me something that is different from everything I am remembering. There was no music in the camp. I hope your voice will remind me I am home and I am safe."

He nodded slowly. "Okay sweetheart."

She had to fight not to cross her arms and pout like a petulant child. "I am not that."

Tony frowned. "Not what?" If she put a ban on the pet names he would really struggle. That was one thing he loved about being married.

Ziva huffed. "Sweet. Not anymore. Maybe not at all. I am all hard edges and bitterness and darkness and I am making your life miserable."

A lock of soft brown hair was slowly twirled around his finger. "It's worth it though," Tony answered at last.

Her brow furrowed. "Why?"

He stared at her in something akin to disbelief. "Because you're alive Ziva, and we have the next fifty years to figure the rest out."

Tears gathered and slipped down her cheeks. "I do not know how to make anything work any more. I am broken inside and I hate it when you are nice to me because I have not earned it yet."

Tony's gaze narrowed. "You don't have to earn anything Ziva. You're my wife, I love you. What part of that don't you understand?"

She swallowed and covered her face with her hands. "All of it," came the muffled answer.

Gently he removed her hands and used his thumbs to brush away the tears. "I've still got about ninety-four thousand reasons left and I'll go through every one if that will make you believe me." Tony stared into her wet brown eyes. "I love you because you let me see your tears. Because you're brave enough to not always be strong in front of me. And because you have an incredible will to fight and survive." He kissed her softly and smiled. "We're gonna make it Zi, I promise."

At that point she moved into his arms and Tony felt the tiniest bit of relief. She was talking to him, she was letting him see inside, and he knew that someday they'd find a way back to being okay.

**NCIS**

Ziva's third nightmare pierced her subconscious shortly before four am the next morning. She jolted awake to the shock of an electric cattle prod jabbed into her abdomen and her breath caught, panic taking over because for a moment her lungs wouldn't cooperate and draw in the air she desperately needed. Tony was alert as soon as the strangled gasp escaped her throat and he rolled over to wrap strong arms around her trembling body. She fought his hold with what little strength she possessed and he closed his eyes, drawing her even closer.

"Have I told you lately that I love you?" He had to clear his throat of emotion before continuing. "Can I tell you once again somehow? Have I told you lately that I love you? Well darling I'm telling you now."

Ziva cried as the sound of his voice broke through her suffering and she let him surround her in love until the trembles finally subsided. He alternately sang and hummed to her, kissing her temple and smoothing her hair back, anything he thought might calm her down. When she was coherent and firmly back in this reality, Ziva pushed away and got out of bed, slipping into his hoody instead of a robe. Tony looked at his wife in question but she hadn't been responding to subtle cues very well since she got back and he leaned forward.

"Where are you going?"

Ziva stopped in the process of pulling her hair free. She shifted from foot to foot and shrugged. "I don't know. But I will not attempt to sleep any more."

He started to get up. "I'll come with you. We can do tea and a movie like last time."

"No." She shook her head and swallowed. "Go back to sleep Tony. I can be alone by myself."

"You don't like to be alone," he reminded her of an early morning confession, "and I can be really good at just sitting and holding your hand."

The struggle waged in her eyes was clear to see but eventually Ziva lifted her chin and tried to be as brave as she wanted to feel. "No thank you. Good night." With that she turned and walked out and Tony flopped back on the bed. Her refusals were passing frustrating and moving onto irritating. How long was she going to keep him at arm's length? A gentle tap on the door awhile later got his attention and he propped himself up.

"Come in." It could only be one person.

Nettie peered around the door and entered slowly, sitting on the end of the bed on Ziva's side. "I am sorry."

He sat up fully and rested his arms on raised knees. "What are you sorry for?"

Her eyes reflected both compassion and understanding. "That she is fighting you. That she is not ready to embrace what would help her and instead is trying so hard not to feel. I know my niece Anthony. This is the first time in her life that she has had no control over anything that was happening to her. Even when she was hurt in Mossad it was usually within her control, something she allowed." Nettie swallowed as she recalled some of the horror stories her niece had haltingly shared over tea on late nights when she'd managed to escape the clutches of her father long enough to decompress after a mission. She drew a steadying breath. "But also she is struggling with the failure she feels inside, because she was caught and that was the first time she had made a mistake."

Tony dragged a hand over his face. "She tells you more than she's telling me."

Nettie smiled slightly. "She tells me some things and I read much between the lines for everything else. This won't be easy achyan, but I know you more than anyone can find a way through her defenses. Ziva is not trying to shut you out, merely to protect you from the hopeless mess she feels she had become."

He stood and pulled on jogging pants and a sweatshirt. "Well I don't need protection and I can't let her do this on her own. Where is she?"

The older woman looked towards the window. "In the backyard."

"Probably staring at that stupid plaque," Tony muttered. "I wish I'd gotten rid of it before she woke up the first time. Ziva doesn't need the reminder that she was almost allowed to die and then we brought her back."

"One day she will want to live again," Nettie observed. "Do not let go Tony. You need to be there when she comes to that day."

He clenched his jaw. "Can't anyways, but I'm ready to get off this ride." He strode out and Nettie looked after him sadly.

"What you do not know achyan, is that so is she."

Tony let himself out the sliding doors and walked purposefully across the cold, dew laden grass. He put his hand on his wife's shoulder and felt her jump, as annoyance was chased through her gaze by something undefinable. He didn't say a word and they sat staring at each other for a long time before he got comfortable beside her and covered one of her cold hands with his. There were so many things he wanted to say, but in the end Tony settled for holding her hand.

Ziva ignored him for awhile, so he wasn't expecting it when she leaned back into him, but he took it in stride and held her loosely, his cheek resting on her hair. He felt it when she started to shiver, realizing that she was sitting on the wet ground in thin pyjama pants, and kissed her head. "Come on Zi, the last thing you need is to get sick." He helped her up and led her back inside, directing her to the bathroom. "Bath isn't an option honey, you've got to get warmed up."

She sat watching while he generously poured in bubble bath and filled the tub. Tony rose and kissed her cheek. "Get in and relax, I'll be back in a minute." Her eyes cut to him sharply but he wasn't intimidated. "I don't want to leave you alone." Let unsaid was the part about him not trusting her to be safe alone with herself.

Ziva was right where he'd told her to be when he came back with a tray holding juice, pills, warm buttered bread, and a bowl of strawberries. A magazine for him to read sat on the side and Ziva seemed thoroughly taken off guard by the offering. Tony settled beside her on a pallet of fluffy towels and balanced the tray on the corner of the tub. "Hold out your hand." Her nose wrinkled so he collected the pills in his palm and handed Ziva the glass of juice, watching carefully as she took them one by one and washed them down. Next he nudged the plate towards her and she hesitantly took half a slice of bread and nibbled on it while Tony ate his whole slice in a couple bites, drained his juice, and snagged a couple berries.

"Why do you keep trying?" she asked when the bread was gone.

"Because I've still got hope," he told her with certainty. Then he sighed. "I'll keep pulling you back Zi, I will, every time you try to go away. But I need you to give me something. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm fighting all alone."

Ziva took in his words, then closed her eyes and was asleep before he could say any more. Tony watched her silently as the minutes ticked by, and when the water cooled to lukewarm he touched her shoulder. "Ziva. Ziva." She blinked slowly and Tony smiled. "What do you want to wear? I'll get it."

That one took some thought, but eventually the answer came to her. "Jeans," Ziva decided. "I am tired of pyjamas."

"Okay." Tony went back to their room and dug through her pants drawer, finally coming across a pair so worn and old that they no longer felt like denim. He unfolded the jeans and eyes them critically, highly doubting they'd even stay up. Just in case, he also grabbed some cargo pants with a drawstring, then found fuzzy socks, underwear, bra, a white t-shirt, and one of her cozy winter sweaters to combat the constant chill.

Tony took the whole pile back to the bathroom where Ziva sat primly on the chair waiting. She reached for the underthings and then looked up. "You can go now."

The dismissal stung but Tony was done being passive. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. "I don't think so." At her frown he elaborated. "You don't get to shut me out Ziva. I've seen you naked for three years. I saw you naked the first night you were back. This wall you're putting up to keep me out stops now."

Ziva's eyebrows rose and irritation simmered in her gaze, but in the end she turned her back to him and slipped quickly into her underwear, embarrassed for the way it sagged around her bum. She slid the bra straps up onto her shoulders but when she reached back to do the clasp Tony's fingers took the place of hers and he fastened it slowly. She shuddered. "I am not ready for you to touch me yet."

His hands settled on her bare arms as he leaned forward to kiss her cheek. "I'm just helping you get dressed Zi. You don't have to give me everything, but please let me do this." Tony took her lack of answer as agreement and moved onto the next step. Ziva looked ready to cry when the jeans she loved hung on her slight frame, so he quickly exchanged them for the cargo pants, cinching the drawstring and tying a neat bow. She cooperated when he tugged first the t-shirt then the wool sweater over her head and folded down the high neck. Tony gestured for her to sit and slowly pulled the socks onto her feet, then led her to the counter and turned the blowdryer on. It didn't matter that she was capable of doing it herself, he just needed the contact with her, the peaceful time alone together. He didn't want her getting any further away.

Ziva took over after to quickly weave the thick waves into a braid and Tony handed her an elastic. He rested back against the counter and hooked his fingers into her pockets, drawing her close. Ziva's eyes were downcast so Tony lifted her chin. "I love you babe, you never have to doubt that."

Her hands slid tentatively up his chest and she swallowed. "I love you also. I am sorry Tony, I wish this could be easier."

He gave her a half-grin and slowly bent his head, his lips finding hers. For once Ziva threw herself into the kiss, seeking to apologize and make amends all at once. The sensation of their mouth meeting and melding took over all her senses, but the increasing passion evident quickly overwhelmed her and she broke away, bowing her head to hide the effort required for her not to run away and retreat.

Tony let out a breath and cupped the back of her neck, bringing her in for a hug. They stayed that way a long time until Ziva looked up. "I do not remember how to simply be. What did we used to do together?"

A stray curl from the braid caught his attention and he pushed it behind her ear. "We didn't used to have much time just the two of us, so much of our lives were spent at work. But at home we watched movies, cooked, read, cleaned, went for walks, to the barn, and uh..." he faltered, "...other stuff." Truth be told they'd spent a lot of their evenings in bed together doing something other than sleeping, but Ziva felt guilty enough, she didn't need to be reminded of what they weren't currently able to do.

The colour tinting her cheeks told Tony she understood what he hadn't said and she traced the letters on his shirt deliberately. "I would like to go back and see our horses sometime, but it is too busy on a weekend." her eyebrows drew together in concentration. "Maybe we could read for awhile?"

Tony pressed his lips to her forehead. "Sure." They wandered into the office and each chose a book or magazine, then settled on opposite ends of the couch facing each other. He glanced over at her. "Want me to read to you?"

Ziva's smile was slight and she held up her book. "I do not think you know enough Hebrew yet. English is...it takes more concentration to understand and my mind is...not the same."

He nudged her sock covered foot with his and went back to his National Geographic. For awhile both halves of the couple fought to stay awake and focus, but the battle was slowly lost and when Nettie came out of her room ready for Temple, she found Tony and Ziva asleep on the couch, their reading material laying forgotten on chests and laps. Gently she shook his shoulder. "Anthony." Nothing. She tried again. "Anthony. Come achyan, wake up."

Tony came back to consciousness with a start but his heartrate calmed when he saw Ziva still resting comfortably. He stifled a yawn and looked at Nettie. "Hey Doda, what's up?"

The older woman sat back on the coffee table and nodded towards her niece. "How is she?"

He sat up a bit and rubbed his face. "Coping, I guess. But I'm worried about her. She's not sleeping well and I hate the memories haunting her nights. I can't even begin to imagine what she sees in those dreams. She's not eating as much as I'd like either and those circles under her eyes just keep getting deeper and darker." Tony sighed. "I never thought I'd ever call her fragile, but she's so easily broken these days and...I just want her to be okay again."

Nettie put her hand over his. "I know Anthony. It is very hard to watch her suffer through every new day, but time does heal many wounds and I think we must be patient and encouraging. She will need all our love and support to get through this."

"Yeah." It was a weighted word, filled with a burden Nettie knew she did not fully understand, having never been married.

She fiddled with her scarf. "I want Ziva to come with me to the service. I think the peace and comfort of tradition may help some of the unrest in her soul."

"Whatever she needs," Tony was quick to say. "What's the dress code for guys?"

Nettie bit her lip. "I was thinking just the two of us actually. A little time to yourself will not hurt and for the first time in so long it would be best if she did not have to be thinking about your reaction as well."

Deflated, Tony looked away and shrugged. "Sure."

Nettie saw his disappointment but could do little about it, so she moved to Ziva's side and roused her niece gently. Tony left for the office as she explained her plan and kindly cajoled the young woman into joining her. Ziva went to change into an outfit suitable for Temple but couldn't help remembering Tony's hands as he dressed her only a couple hours before. She craved his touch, his nearness, even his desire to make her feel like a real person, like a woman again, but all those things scared her too. Although her short term memory was quite poor at the moment, her long term memory was nearly impeccable and it took very little to summon up images of the two of them together, sharing an intimate connection unlike any other. It frustrated Ziva to have a sex drive that was practically nonexistent, a terror of putting herself in the defenseless position required to have sex, but a memory that made her miss being one with her husband and long for the safety, security, and all consuming love that always accompanied that act.

She stopped at the office before they left. "We are going now."

Tony didn't look away from his computer. "Bye."

The abrupt tone didn't set well with her. "Are you mad?"

"No."

Ziva didn't believe him and bit her lip. "We will be back for lunch. Will you...be here?"

He shrugged. "Don't know."

The closeness from earlier had disappeared and she was left feeling very small and alone. "Okay. Bye."

Tony nodded and waited until the doors closed before dropping his head into his hands. He had no right being the difficult one, but he loathed being left out and at the moment that was the only thing he could see.

_Replies:_

_Emma - haha...that's awesome. You might get a Nettie/Eli showdown. I have a feeling she'll go back to Israel and give him a very large part of her mind. Or you may just hear about it after the fact, kind of like an overview. Don't worry, he'll get the tongue lashing he deserves for screwing up so badly with Z. Yeah, I know, sorry about that. Unfortunately healing is quite challenging and the happy stuff will take awhile to show up. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Thanks. I just listen to the characters in my head, so I really can't take credit for how they come across, but that's nice to hear. I know. I wish too that they'd showed us she needed to recover instead of just pretending she's fine two weeks later. lol, the odds of me ever leaving my own country again, let alone going to another one, are slim to nil with the student debt I have right now, but I appreciate the suggestions. It sounds interesting, but I assume it would also be very hard to see that kind of history. Thanks for the review! :)_

_ZaneM - thank you :) You know, I've wondered that too. For some reason adoption doesn't even occur to Z and T hasn't gotten that far into thinking about their other options yet. Personally I'm a huge proponent of adoption, I've seen it work out so well in many families. For a reason I cannot identify, I don't think it's the right choice for T&Z in this situation. Also, right now when the very act of living day to day is completely overwhelming Z and burdening T, this is not the time to be focusing on that aspect of the future. I have another kids conversation coming up in one of the S7 eps when T makes an offhand comment that his kids would've been beautiful, maybe then some of this will come up, I'm not sure yet. I think, because she doesn't have the ability to conceive naturally, that Z feels like a failure and I can't see her being okay with the surrogate thing. IVF isn't completely ruled out, but again, that's a conversation for another time. They've given up the dream for the moment because everything feels so hopeless right now. But when their lives are on a bit more of an even keel, and possibly with some prodding from Aunt Nettie, they make take a second look at things. Hope that somewhat makes sense, thanks for reviewing! :)_

_alynthea - hi! Thanks for the message, that was really sweet. I'm glad you think so, I am doing my best. It's great to hear that you're enjoying the story. Writing and posting, just trying to keep up with the story isn't always easy, but totally worth it. Well, this one I've only been updating twice a week, Sun and Thurs usually, but eventually I'll be able to post more regularly, when I get caught up. I always appreciate the encouragement, thank you very much :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Yes, AN will be good for them. She'll tell then exactly what she's thinking whether they want to hear it or not. At some point they're both going to get some straight talk. I figured Z needed to tell someone about Somalia, even if it was only once. I doubt T will hear about her experience in its entirety, but at least it won't haunt her as much. No, and now is not the time to be thinking of other optoins for kids. The topic will come up again, but at a time when Z is more stable and able to handle it. Adopting won't work in this story, I can't explain why but it's just not a good fit. In-vitro hasn't been ruled out yet, we'll just have to see. But it does suck that they have another thing to regret and mourn the loss of. I'm glad you liked the part about Z sneaking in to sleep with T, she really does need him, even if she won't always say that. haha...Nettie's going to call them out on a few things during her visit, but it's good because they need to see the truth through other people's eyes. Thanks for reviewing! :)_


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Hey guys! Thought I'd give you a bit of an update. First, __**Aftermath**__ is shaping up to be about 15 chapters long, give or take, so we should be finished by the end of the month. When it's over I'll have to take some time off to write the beginning of Part 4, which starts with 7x2 when T&Z go back to work after their two weeks off. Second, I still have a few people asking here and there about the team finding out that T&Z are married. It's not any time soon because we roughly follow canon until the end of S9. Part 7 is the one to look forward to, so don't get your hopes up yet. _

_Also, starting in this chapter I'm resurrecting some characters that will be vaguely familiar to anyone who read my __**Remnants of Somalia**__ series. They picked a good time to show up and I'll be working them into the rest of the series on occasion. This chapter is a bit shorter than the others and I apologize, but that's where it had to end. I promise things start looking up by next chapter. Thanks again for all the support, reviews, comments, and PMs. You guys are fabulous and I'm excited to have you all along for the ride. Love, ~Aliyah_

Before Tony could wallow in self-pity too deeply, the phone rang and he snatched it up. "DiNozzo."

There was laughter in the background and he heard a voice yell. "Hey guys, he's alive!"

Recognizing it immediately, Tony leaned back in his chair and grinned. "Adrian. Up to no good as usual?"

His friend chuckled. "That's what former roommates are good for, right?" Without waiting for an answer, he continued. "Tony, man, where've you been? No one's heard a peep since May and you suck at returning phone calls. We thought you'd carelessly abandoned us for some far off exotic location with your lady love."

Tony cleared his throat and forced a casual tone. "Nah, sorry Aid, just been uh, really busy, that's all."

"Uh-huh." The man wasn't convinced. "Well, it's Saturday, it's a beautiful fall day, and we all feel like playing basketball. So bring Ziva, meet us at the park, and we'll show off for a couple hours."

_How do I get out of this one?_ Tony wondered. "Actually, Ziva's aunt's visiting from Israel and they're out, so there's no one to be an audience."

Adrian sighed dramatically. "Fine, so the scenery won't be as nice. But you can come solo mio, right?"

About to protest with some lame excuse, he suddenly realized how good it would feel to hang out with his frat brothers. It had been too long since he last saw his friends. Tony thought back to something else that had been said. "Wait, we? Don't tell me you have five guys crammed into your studio apartment?"

"No way!" Adrian scoffed. "We're at Mark's."

His eyebrows rose. "Cassie's putting up with all of you?"

"Well," his friend hedged, "we might've promised to babysit next weekend so she and Mark can get away by themselves."

He blinked. "They're trusting all of you with Alec and McKenna?" Mark's kids were nine and seven and spoiled rotten by the whole group.

"Hey!" Adrian sounded offended. "I'm...okay, well, Brent and Jordan are the responsible ones. Darien and I just get to be the fun ones."

Tony laughed. "That's more like it. So what time are we crashing the park?"

"Half an hour? We'll meet you on the court. Bring drinks."

He rolled his eyes. "Should've figured. Your turn next time Mr. Mooch."

Just for that comment Adrian hung up on him and Tony noticed he was still smiling. An afternoon with the guys might be exactly what the doctor ordered.

**NCIS**

Half an hour later, after leaving a note for Ziva and Nettie, digging their old red cooler out of the garage, and stopping by a store for old fashioned pop in bottles, a case of water, and two bags of ice, Tony was sitting on a picnic table in sport clothes and double knotting his runners in preparation for the game. Two vehicles pulled up and guys spilled out of every door and Tony was tackled by several old friends, though a couple settled for handshakes and pats on the back.

Adrian, as always, ruffled his hair. "Good to see you Big D. We seriously thought you'd fallen off the face of the planet."

Tony shrugged self-consciously. "Sorry. Won't do it again, promise."

Darien, a big brown man who played professional football, nodded once. "Apology accepted. Let's play!"

With those words the first of many three on three games began, a cross between fierce competition and genuine fun, coupled with lots of laughter and good natured teasing, resulting in six very tired sweaty men two hours later. They all grabbed bottles of water and flopped down onto the grass. Tony draped a towel over his face. "I haven't worked that hard in months."

"What?" Brent joked. "Chasing down bad guys at NCIS can't compare to an afternoon on the court?"

Tony opened one eye. "Depends on the day."

They relaxed in silence, occasionally sharing funny summer moments or reminiscing about their days at OSU. Eventually Mark sat up and leaned against the bumper of one car. "You know, I still can't believe we all ended up in DC."

"Teaching," Brent piped up. As a middle school gym teacher and basketball coach, he went where the work was. This was his fourth school since they graduated.

"Anonymity," Darien seconded. He played for a nearby state and liked it best when he could walk around unnoticed.

Jordan tucked an arm under his head. "DC is the place to be if you're writing speeches for people who want to change the world." The political scene stressed him out sometimes but Allie, his longtime girlfriend and hopefully soon to be more, was a legal assistant in a law office and his biggest supporter.

"Cassie," Mark added, answering his own question in one word. They'd met on the first day of university, dated for three and a half out of their four years, and made plans to settle in the college town. But then Cassie's mom got sick, so she and Mark moved back to DC, got married in a hurry, and Cassie spent the last year of her mom's life making happy memories that would have to last for all the years she would be missing. The change never really bothered Mark. He did his degree in Kinesiology and as a certified personal trainer was flexible and could find work anywhere. They'd made a good life in DC.

Tony sighed, because it was his turn. "Job offer I didn't really have the option of refusing." He thought back on eight years in the capital and let a smile claim his lips. "Best decision I ever made."

"Yeah," Adrian laughed, "look where it got you. Senior Agent and married to one of the most beautiful women we've ever met."

He frowned and propped himself up on one elbow. "One of?"

Adrian held up his hands in surrender. "Don't make me choose between Ziva and Cassie. Either way I get slaughtered."

"And Allie," Jordan interjected, making Tony pay attention in a hurry.

"What?"

The guys all exchanged glances and Jordan cleared his throat. "Oh, uh, right. That's something you missed being MIA all summer."

His eyebrows shot up. "You got married and didn't tell me?!"

Jordan shook his head. "That would never happen." His face lit up. "But I asked her to marry me and she said yes."

A grin claimed Tony's lips and he reached over to high five his friend. "Way to go! That's awesome. Congratulations! When?" he demanded in the next breath.

Jordan looked down at his still bare ring finger. "Independence Day."

"So, when's the big day?"

"Christmas Eve," Jordan shared. "Her whole family's flying in a few days before. She's really excited to see them again. It's gonna be magical man. You and Ziva have to come."

"Count on it," Tony promised.

"It's always smart to pick a date you'll remember," Adrian piped up. "There's no excuse for forgetting your anniversary now."

Tony closed his eyes again and lay back. "You're just jealous."

Mark chuckled. "None of us should've been as lucky in love as we have been. Now all we have to do is work on the last hold-outs."

Darien shook his head. "No thanks man. I'm happy on my own."

Brent picked at the label on his Coke bottle. "I certainly wouldn't mind it." He glanced at Tony. "Ziva got any friends she could introduce me to?"

Tony leaned back on his elbows. "You're asking that question in the wrong country. But maybe Allie or Cassie would have some ideas."

Slowly all eyes shifted back to Adrian, realizing he was the only one who hadn't responded to Mark's comment/question. He changed positions nervously and shrugged. "Well, you know me, I'm nothing without my posse. And I certainly couldn't let you five have all the fun on the East Coast without me."

"It's not like we planned this," Jordan interjected. "I mean, it took us over a decade to all end up in the same time zone again. I kinda missed you guys." Occasional group gatherings were nothing compared to living in the same city and getting to be friends all the time.

Tony tossed his towel at the red haired man. "Don't be getting all mushy on us now J-Rock. We can't let the girls think we've gone soft."

"Speaking of girls," Mark began, "you said Ziva's aunt was in town? Any chance we get to meet her?"

For a moment he tried to imagine Nettie in a crowd of his frat brothers and then Tony quickly shook his head. "I don't think so guys. They...haven't seen each other for a long time and she...won't be around too long. You know women, they, uh, need their bonding time." He forced the chuckle and the others took him at his word, but Mark saw and heard a few things that didn't sit right with him.

Eventually they began to wind things down and evening plans were remembered, so the guys packed things up and got ready to go. Mark turned down all offers of a ride, stating that he'd get Tony to drop him off at home so the kids could see him. Once they were alone, he dug two more cold sodas out of the icy water at the bottom of the cooler and joined Tony on the picnic table, handing him one. For a long moment the two sat there in silence, then Mark started the conversation.

"What's going on buddy? You've got the look of a man carrying more than his share of the world's troubles." Tony leaned over with his head in his hands and that alone told Mark how serious this was. He set his bottle down. "You've got this funny expression in your eyes when you're talking about Ziva. Everything okay between you two?" Mark couldn't help but wonder if they'd taken the summer off from spending time with other people because they were having issues. But that theory didn't make sense either, because he'd never seen two people more in love than Tony and his wife.

"No," Tony said quietly, "no, things aren't okay."

He'd been expecting that, but Mark had really hoped for a different answer. There were no gentle ways to ask the questions that came next. "You still together?"

Tony let out a breath. "Just barely. Hanging on by a thread right now."

Mark's brow furrowed. "We saw you guys in April and things seemed fine. What happened?"

He closed his eyes. "Someone from her past showed up at the end of May and everything imploded. She...uh...went back to Israel, wanted to take a break from us." Every word scraped his throat like broken glass, the memories were still so painful. "But...her dad's a bit of a big shot over there and Ziva..." Tony wasn't sure he could get through the telling, as tears began to fill his eyes. "She was taken hostage. They kept her for over four months. We didn't hear about it until no one could find her. And then...I spent six weeks thinking she was dead." He swallowed hard.

"Finally we, uh, figured out who it was and a team from NCIS went in to take out the guy responsible. We never imagined she was still alive. I never expected to be coming home with her." He swiped the tears away roughly, embarrassed for the emotion in front of his friend, but knew he'd rather be having this conversation with Mark than any of the others. "She's, uh, been back for twelve days and we're...we're struggling. Every day, every hour, every moment is a fight and I...don't know her anymore. Everything's changed. She needs me to be strong, but I just don't know if I can do it. I'm so tired."

"Whoa." Mark had no clue what he was supposed to say to that confession. He tried to think of what to ask. "Is she...okay? I mean..." He didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"No." Tony shook his head. "Four months Mark and she won't tell me what they did to her, but some of it is written all over her body."

His eyebrows rose. "How bad?"

Tony glanced to the side. "You sure you want to hear this? Because it gets pretty ugly."

Mark put his hand on Tony's shoulder. "Talk to me man."

He folded his fingers together. "Tortured for a month solidly, then on and off for the second. And, uh...used. As far as I can guess that started about when they were done with other methods of making her suffer. That's something I can't and don't want to get my head around. Ziva was starved for most of the time she was there. She's got a lot of physical scars, a lot of emotional and mental stuff making a mess in her head, and..right now it's like she doesn't even care if we make it or not."

Stillness fell between them and finally Mark sighed. "I have no words for you man. I can't even imagine what it is you've gone through. And I wish...gosh, I wish we'd been there for you, I wish we'd known, I wish we'd tried harder to track you down. But we didn't and all I can say now is that you won't have to carry this alone."

At that Tony put his head down and cried, sobbing out the anguish of everything the last couple weeks had thrown at them. Mark didn't interrupt, didn't move except to grab a towel, and didn't say anything until finally his friend drew a shuddering breath. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Mark was firm on that. "You don't always have to be the hero DiNozzo. I know that's been your thing, ever since the fire, but you don't have to do everything on your own."

Tony wiped his face. "You have no idea what I've imagined, after seeing the marks on her body and what she's like after a nightmare. The things they must've done to her...but she won't tell me. And I've tried, but she's trying to protect me. She doesn't know that it's worse not to know and wonder. I don't know how much longer I can handle her hiding the truth from me." He picked up a rock by his feet and tossed it with surprising force at a tree several feet away. "I love her! Why can't she get that through her head?! Why can't she just let me help?"

The light went on. "That's why her aunt is here."

"Yeah," Tony conceded. "And I love Nettie, she's an amazing woman, but Ziva's hiding behind her and I hate it. I don't know how to get my wife back Mark, and it's scaring me to death to look in her eyes and still see a woman who thinks she's going to die." He ran agitated fingers through his hair. "Or maybe she feels like she's already dead and she's just waiting for that reality to catch up to her mind and body. Whatever it is, I hate it, and I want that look gone forever."

"Twelve days," Mark commented. "You're talking over a hundred days of God only knows what kind of hell. You can't expect that to be erased just because she's home."

"I know!" Tony spit, then changed his tone. "I know. But living through the back and forth day after day is wearing at me in a way nothing has before. I don't know how to help her. She's my wife and I can't fix this for her. I can't make the hurts go away, I can't make it so she doesn't remember, I can't make it so she never dreams of those days again. And for the love of Mike I am sick of being so freaking helpless!"

What kind of advice was he supposed to give? Mark wished he knew. This was one of his best friends, hurting more deeply than he'd ever seen before, and nothing could make it right. Finally he sighed. "Just love her Tony. That might be the best thing you can do for her right now. Just love her and whatever you do, don't let go."

Green eyes met brown and hope flickered in Tony's gaze. So this it was it felt like to not be alone.

**NCIS**

Nettie and Ziva came in the door after Temple laughing at a joke the Rabbi had told. "I had forgotten they could be funny. All the teachers I remember from my childhood were so dull and serious."

"Rabbi Kedar is a character," Nettie agreed. "But he also has much wisdom. The message today was very relevant."

Ziva hung up her scarf and suddenly became aware of how quiet the house was. "Tony?" she called, but Nettie shook her head.

"His car is gone motek. Perhaps he just needed a change of scenery."

The younger woman fell quiet as her aunt reheated two portions of chicken schnitzel and they ate their noon meal at the table, occasionally talking but more often not. Afterwards Nettie left to take a nap and Ziva did the few dishes in the sink. She walked slowly to her room to change into more comfortable clothing and spied Moses on the floor between the bed and night table where he must've been pushed during her thrashing early that morning.

She picked him up and sat on the edge of the bed, sighing. "It is my fault he is gone ha-chaver yashan. I have given my husband very little reason to stay." _Old friend_. Ziva brushed her fingers over his worn fur and stared into chipped glass eyes and wondered what she'd do if Tony decided he wasn't coming home.

**NCIS**

Once Tony had composed himself, Mark had a plan of action in mind. "Here's what you're going to do. Tomorrow is Sunday and Cassie and I planned a picnic after church with the kids. So twelve-thirty pm you meet us here, have lunch, entertain Alec and McKenna for awhile because you know how much they love Uncle Tony, and give yourself permission to unwind and relax. Dragging around a mountain of stress isn't going to help you or Ziva." Tony seemed to be considering the proposition, but as far as Mark was concerned, the plan was mandatory. "What I need to know," he continued, "is can I tell Cassie?"

At that Tony winced. "I don't know Mark. Ziva is...she won't like people knowing that she's been broken. She considers it a weakness and she really doesn't need any other reasons to be embarrassed."

Mark turned the basketball over in his hands. He couldn't keep something like this a secret from his wife. Not when they were all friends and she cared about them as much as he did. "What about generalizations, no details?"

He hesitated. "Well...I guess you could tell her that some people really hurt Ziva over the summer and we're struggling with how to help her heal, something like that. But nothing about Israel or being captured please."

"Got it." Mark slapped Tony on the back. "Okay my man, time for me to head home. The three most important people in my life are going to be wondering where I am."

Tony gave a weak smile and together they loaded everything that remained into his trunk. A fifteen minute drive got them to Michael's two story blue house with a lovely white wrap around porch and a fenced in backyard. Mark grabbed his bag and started to get out. "Come on, the kids would love to see you."

"Nah." Tony shook his head. "Not today. I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise."

Mark nodded slowly. "Okay. Take care."

"See you." He drove home a bit on edge, not sure what he'd find when he got there.

Ziva was in the office reading when she heard the door close and peeked out. "Hello."

Tony looked up. "Hi." He toed off his shoes and headed for the bathroom. "Temple go okay?"

She shrugged one shoulder. "Fine."

He closed the door behind him and locked it, really ready for a shower after playing outside. Nettie came out of the spare room and looked at Ziva questioningly. She stared forlornly at the bathroom door. "I wish he would just tell me what I am doing wrong."

"A man's job is to provide, protect, and solve all the problems of his family. It is something woven into the very fabric of their being. Tony could not make you stay, he was not able to protect you from the men in that camp, and now that you are home he cannot fix what is broken or do anything to heal the hurts inside you." Nettie sighed. "I believe your husband feels like a failure."

Ziva swallowed and wrapped her arms around herself. "I did not think of it that way. For Tony's sake alone I wish I could be better."

Nettie approached and touched her niece's elbow. "Remember also that he is not a man who accepts defeat easily. He has always fought for you. Given time, this situation will not be any different." She took Ziva's hand. "Come Zivi. I brought my knitting bag. You never had time to learn when you were younger, but now you do. It is always good to have something to do with your hands."

**NCIS**

Tony joined them for supper and spent the whole time wishing he could just hold Ziva's hand. But the eggshells between them made him hesitate and the Sabbath came to a close without any resolution visible on the darkening horizon. After three years of living with him Ziva knew that her husband could be quiet and introspective, but distance and silence were highly unusual. She waited to see if that would change what they both lay in the same bed, but Tony rolled over to face the closet and shut off the light. Deep disappointment settled inside Ziva and for the first time since he took up residence beside her pillow, she hugged Moses close and let him absorb her tears the way he used to when she was a child.

_Replies:_

_Emma - yeah, no kidding. T definitely needs his own support system outside of work and their house. Guess you saw a bit of the future in your review, huh? :P I do hope to have a Tony and McG convo when they go back to work tho. I'm not sure he ever did say thank you for what McG did in coming to Somalia and bringing Z home. Thanks for reviewing!_

_Guest - I'm glad you liked the story. I'm sorry to hear that. I know it can be frustrating at times, but unfortunately healing doesn't happen in a straight line, it's unpredictable and it can be a bit messy and painful. All I can do is follow where the characters are leading. I'm honoured that you think this is a best story, that means a lot. Maybe you'll check it out again later when this part is over, tho I think you might miss some important moments in the last 3rd of this story. Anyhow, thanks for reviewing! :)_

_LAR76 (A1) - You're very welcome, I'm glad you're enjoying the story. haha...you're going to be waiting in suspense for a long time. This is in between Part 3 and 4 and I roughly follow canon until Part 6. So nothing earthshattering can happen until Part 7 when we branch off into my version of the story. Thanks for reviewing!_

_Sarah - you're welcome. Thanks, I'm glad it feels real even if I do hate to write them like this. I didn't expect Z's mom to make an appearance either, but I think it only makes sense. I can't imagine how much it hurts to not have one of the most important people in your life there when you need them. You make a good point about T's thoughts re: Israel and I apologize if that came across as rude or disrespectful. I have a great deal of respect for that country and its people and I will come back to that topic and clarify that it's more the select few than Israel as a whole that have left a bad impression. I think sometimes Z needs to hear what T's thinking about her actions and I'm glad he took a stand there. I don't know if I'll get the chance for Z to talk about going to Temple, but I'll try. I think going back to that part of herself, even if only for a little while, will be good for her. Thanks for reviewing Sarah!_


	10. Chapter 10

Tony left shortly after twelve pm on Sunday without a word to either of them, which put Ziva on the verge of tears and added another weight to Nettie's heart. In Israel food was a staple in every situation and turned to whether one was grieving and mourning or joyful and celebrating, so she planted herself in the kitchen and got out the ingredients necessary to make rugelach while Ziva wandered despondently through the house.

Keeping an eye on her niece, Nettie mixed yeast, sugar, and water together, then added the flour, butter, eggs, remaining sugar and water. Once it formed a sticky dough, she kneaded it until it was no longer tacky, covered the bowl and put the whole thing in the fridge. Nettie started water for tea and was just collecting cups, spoons, sugar and milk when Ziva came out of the spare room holding a handful of papers, a strange look on her face.

She lay them on the table and glanced at her aunt. "I tore these up a few days ago because I was angry. They were ready to be thrown out." She blinked rapidly. "Tony fixed them."

The kettle boiled and Nettie poured hot water over the tea bag. She let Ziva doctor her own and then turned, a sternness in her expression that the young woman had not expected to see. "It is time we had a talk Zivaleh. Let us sit." With furrowed brow Ziva followed her aunt to the couch and waited. After a sip of tea, Nettie found her words and began. "I do not like what I have been observing these past few days motek. I love you. I have loved you since the day of your birth and I will continue to love you until the end of my life. But Ziva, you are being selfish." Her eyes widened and mouth opened to defend herself, but Nettie shook her head.

"No little bird, it is my turn to speak." Out of the respect ingrained in her for those with more years than she, Ziva stayed silent. "I know that you are in pain, both inside and outside, in your heart and in your soul and in the dark place in your mind, but that does not excuse your behaviour. You have a husband who loves you, he would do anything for you, and I have watched for days now as he has tried to reach you and help out and you only let him close for moments at a time before you let the bad things cloud any good ones and push him away."

Ziva's gaze fell to her full mug and she traced the rim uncertainly, doing her best to hear her aunt's words in the spirit they were intended, though in that moment they felt like a personal attack. "So far I have seen Tony making nearly all the effort, always going after you, and you sometimes accepting but often rebuffing anything he wants to do." Nettie shook her head. "I cannot imagine what it feels like to be in your skin Zivi, or how confusing it is in your mind, but you must fight through all of that. It cannot always be you reacting and Anthony responding. You need to reach out, open up, try, and work towards the closeness your marriage used to have that I know you desire again."

She finished her tea and stood up. "Marriage goes both ways little one, it is not all one person or the other. What you need to decide before the sun rises again on a new day is if you are willing to do whatever it takes to be his wife again." Nettie sighed. "I leave you now to think about what I have said."

A heaviness settled on Ziva's chest, a weight she did not want. But she could not deny that the older woman was right. To work their way back to each other they both had to take steps in the right direction and she had been a passive party for too many hours and days. Rising, Ziva set her mug on the counter and shut herself in the office. After a little bit of looking she found the thick journal that had begun the night of her brother's death. Picking up a pen, she opened to a blank page and took a breath. It was time to figure out how to be the woman she remembered. Tony deserved so much more than who she was today. And if Ziva was honest with herself, she did too.

**NCIS**

Tony had barely gotten out of the car when he was nearly bowled over by the only kids who'd never scared him to death just by looking at him. "Uncle Tony!" McKenna squealed like she hadn't seen him in years.

He grinned and swung her up into his arms, dropping a smacking kiss on her cheek. She giggled and wiped it off, her braided pigtails swinging from side to side. "Lady McKenna, you look lovely. How are you?"

"Good." She wiggled to get down and made a face at her brother. "But Alec pushed me in the mud and got my skirt dirty." The little girl now sported a bright pink pair of shorts.

"Aw, cut it out Ken," Alec whined. He turned to face the older man. "I didn't push her Uncle Tony, she slipped and fell."

"I wouldn't've fallen if you weren't trying to get by me," McKenna retorted.

Tony raised an eyebrow. "But you helped her up, right Alec? That's what a gentleman would do."

The boy rolled his eyes. "I don't want to be a gentleman, it's boring."

He chuckled. "Not all the time buddy. And it's easier to catch a princess that way. I know you think they have cooties now, but in a couple years you'll change your mind." Tony smiled. "Are you too grown up for a hug?"

Alec chewed on his lip but finally gave in and threw his arms around Tony's waist. "Not yet."

Tony hugged him back. "Good. Because you guys give awesome hugs."

At that moment Mark came towards them with his tickle fingers ready and the kids fled to the relative safety of their mother's side while she unpacked the picnick basket. Mark held out his hand. "We're glad you could come."

"Yeah," Tony sighed, "me too."

The group all found places to sit on the blanket and Tony leaned over to kiss Cassie's cheek. "How've you been?"

Her eyes sparkled. "Busy and loving it. I've got one in soccer and another in ballet and a husband who works odd hours but still thinks to bring home flowers." Cassie grinned. "I'm spoiled."

Tony shook his head. "Nah. All wives deserve flowers for putting up with their guys. Right Mark?"

Mark chuckled. "That and so much more. Aren't we lucky they said yes?"

Tony's gaze dropped to his wedding ring and he nodded. "Even when it hurts," he murmured, not aware he was overheard.

Mark and Cassie's eyes met but they decided to save any comments for later. Cassie said a quick blessing and everyone dug in, filling the heavy duty paper plates almost to overflowing. Tony and Mark heartily enjoyed the roast chicken and potato salad, while the kids quibbled over which vegetables were mandatory and who got more macaroni salad and counting to make sure the chips were evenly split. Cassie snacked from the vegetable tray and had her dessert first, single layer homemade cake with chocolate icing, before moving onto the main part of the meal.

As soon as Alec and McKenna's plates were empty they begged permission to go play and the adults watched while Alec chased his sister around with a water gun and laughed when she retaliated by stealing his ball toss game and daring him to catch her. Being older and faster he did, and Mark intervened in the tug of war that ensued over the toy. "If I have to come over there it's mine," he announced, bringing an instant halt to the proceedings. McKenna and Alec looked at each other, eyeing up the competition, but neither was ready to back down. Mark sighed. "We've got company monsters, at least try to pretend Mom and I have taught you some manners."

Embarrassed that Tony was watching them fight, both kids dropped the ball and velcro mitts like a hot potato and Tony stood. "Mark old buddy, I think we better teach these kids of yours how to play tag." He lunged towards them, roaring, "Ready or not, here I come!" Alec and McKenna shrieked and took off for the other side of the park while their dad and uncle gave chase. And all Tony could think as they caught and tickled the kids into submission, and while he helped McKenna with her kite so Mark and Alec could play frisbee, was how much he was going to miss never having this with Ziva.

**NCIS**

Much later, when the kids were sprawled in the shade of a large tree for a brief rest before tackling the swingset, Tony and Mark stood several feet apart in an open, grassy area tossing a baseball around. It didn't take long before Mark started the conversation. "So, twenty-four hours later. How're things?"

Tony sighed and caught the ball in his glove, studying it carefully before throwing it back. "No change. I'm avoiding the issue and Ziva and Nettie are letting me. Probably figure it's my turn to mope."

"Not going to get very far that way," Mark observed as he sent the ball sailing towards his friend.

Tony retreated a couple steps and reached up a to grab it. "I know."

Mark snorted. "That's half the battle. What're you going to do about it?"

Tony lobbed the baseball across the space between them. It went back and forth a few more times before he came up with an answer. "I guess I don't let either one of us get away with hiding. We're not going to get anywhere unless we're working together."

"So you're going to talk to Ziva?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes Mom, I'll talk to my wife. Tomorrow," he added under his breath.

"Good," Mark nodded. "But you and me, we're not done yet." When Tony's eyebrows rose he explained. "Twice a week we're either going to meet for some stress relief or talk on the phone. And as soon as Ziva's ready to be around other people, you bring her over to the house and we'll make sure Alec and McKenna are spending the evening with Grampa. Until then," he held onto the ball and met Tony's gaze head on, "you call any time, for any reason. Got it?"

Tony swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. "You, uh, sure about that?"

"Dead serious man," Mark promised. "Cassie and I talked for a long time last night. We'll do whatever we can to help."

Tony punched his glove and looked away. "Thanks."

Mark's hand on his shoulder startled him. "The Tony DiNozzo I know has helped a lot of people, including me. This is my way of saying thank you. But even if you hadn't, I'd still be doing this. We're friends. Where I come from that means something more than just the occasional coffee and surface 'How's it going?'" Tony nodded and sniffed, but didn't say anymore. Mark took pity on him and nodded in the direction of the kids. "Come on. Let's see who gives the best underdoggies."

Recovering some of his composure, Tony smiled. "You're on." Sometimes he forgot just how amazing his friends could be. In this case though, he was more than happy to be reminded.

**NCIS**

Just as everything got packed into the car and two tired but happy kids had said their goodbyes and were safely buckled in, Cassie came up to Tony and hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

The two had been friends for a long time, back when she was just part of their group and didn't belong to anyone yet. He drew comfort from the contact but finally pulled away. "Sorry about what?"

Cassie stared into his eyes. "That someone hurt Ziva. And that her recovery is hurting both of you." She put her hand on his cheek. "You guys have an amazing marriage Tony and the love you share can overcome anything. I want you to remember that while the days are still dark." She blinked back tears. "Promise you'll call if you need us."

Tony hugged her once more. "I will."

"And don't be a stranger."

He shook his head, slipping his hands in his pockets. "You can't get rid of me that easily Cass. I've gotta stick around to keep the big guy in line anyways."

"Good." She opened her door. "We love you guys. Bring Ziva over as soon as you can, okay?"

Tony swallowed. "You got it." He watched them drive away and let out a breath. Sometimes he had no idea what to do when people cared. So much of his life had been spent away from the one person who was supposed to care, that when he experienced it now the feeling was almost foreign. But he wouldn't trade the support for anything.

When he got home, the whole place smelled like homemade baking and his eyes were drawn to a tray heaped with small, crescent roll shaped...things. He glanced hopefully at Nettie, who was washing dishes while Ziva dried. "Can I try one?" She nodded and he popped the whole thing in his mouth. Chewy, flaky, sweet goodness exploded on his tongue and Tony swallowed. "Wow. What was that? It's amazing." He devoured another one as he waited for her answer and Nettie chuckled.

"Rugelach. Very popular in Israel." She glanced at her niece. "It was Ziva's suggestion to use raspberry jam. She said it is your favourite."

He locked eyes with his wife. "Thanks." She smiled and Tony headed to the bathroom for a shower.

Ziva looked at her aunt for approval. "Small gestures motek. At this point they are likely to get the most notice."

She nodded, thinking of the list in her nightstand drawer. It had taken a long time to come up with things she could do for her husband to show him she was willing to fight with him, for their marriage and her healing, but Ziva was pleased with everything she'd written down. Now all that remained was a slow but steady expressing of the love she'd never stopped having for the man in the next room. And this time it would be her best effort.

**NCIS**

As a start, Ziva made coffee after supper and took a cup out to her husband on the back porch. She sat down beside him, laying her hand on his arm. "I saw the pictures," she began softly. "You did not have to fix them."

Tony broke out of his silent contemplation long enough to look at her. "Yes I did," he told his wife seriously. "You've lost everything Ziva. I wanted to give you what little I could."

Her palm cupped his cheek. "I have not lost you," Ziva whispered, bringing her mouth to his. Tony couldn't remember the last time she'd kissed him and the tenderness that flowed between them nearly caused both halves of the couple to shed tears. She pulled away and rested her head on his shoulder, tucking her hand around his arm. "I love you Tony."

She'd said those words only thirty-six hours before, but it may as well have been a year for all the space they'd traveled away from each other since then. Tony drew a shaky breath and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Ziva David, ani ohev atach lanetsakh." _I love you forever._

Content with one normal moment, Tony and Ziva watched the sky change colour as evening fell and finally he stood and offered his hands to help her to her feet. "Don't give up on me, okay?" Their eyes met and he kissed her again to reassure himself, then led the way into the house.

Once there they invited Nettie to join them for a movie and by unanimous vote it became comedy night. As her husband searched his collection for a film that would appeal to all concerned, Ziva watched him, determining in her heart that she would hold onto him as hard as she could. What they had was too precious to lose. When Tony sat down, Ziva moved close and slid her fingers between his, watching the smile bloom on his face. And for the entire hour and a half, he never let go.

**NCIS**

Laying in bed that night, Tony finally realized his wife wasn't asleep. It was unusual, because her body was so exhausted that she was out minutes after sliding under the covers unless they were talking. Rolling over, he touched her shoulder. "Hey, you okay?"

Moving onto her back, Ziva nodded. "Yes. I am just thinking."

Tony ran his fingers lightly through her hair. "About what?"

She sighed. "Something Aunt Nettie said today."

He pushed himself up on one elbow. "Care to share?"

Her brow furrowed. "Not yet. I want to settle it in my own mind first."

Tony let his fingers wander down her neck, across her collarbone, along her arm, finally skating over the strip of skin between her pyjama top and bottoms. Ziva's heart sped up and she fought to keep her breathing even. "What...are you doing?"

He stared into her eyes. "Testing the boundaries. How'm I doing so far?"

She swallowed. "I don't know."

Tony tried another tactic. "Do you like it when I touch you?"

Ziva wrapped her fingers around his to stop the continual motion. "I am still learning that every touch is not a threat. But I do not want to be afraid to have your hands on me. We are married, you have a right to my body."

He kissed her knuckles. "A right I'll relinquish for as long as you need."

Her fingers played over the hair on his arm. "They were not gentle like you are."

His breath caught at a first glimpse inside her memories of the camp and Tony ached for all the time he hadn't been able to keep her safe. "I'll always be gentle Zi," he murmured against her temple. "That's a promise."

Ziva's eyes slid closed. "I hope someday I will be able to trust you far enough to find out."

Because of the limitations they faced, that had to be the end of serious conversation for now. Instead Tony chuckled. "You used a contraction."

Her forehead creased. "What?"

"You said 'I don't know', not 'I do not know'. Contraction."

She tried to smile. "You did want me to assimilate."

Tony studied her. "Only if you want to. Don't do it for me. I'll love you however you decide to be."

"I know." Ziva flattened her hand over his heart. "I love you." She turned onto her side and cuddled with Moses, already feeling sleep tugging at her.

He eyed the bear as if sizing up competition. "You're lucky she's still getting back on her feet buddy. As soon as Ziva's feeling better, that spot is mine."

She wrinkled her nose. "Stop intimidating my friend and go to sleep Tony."

Tony leaned down to kiss her cheek. "As you wish." I love you was the best way to end their day.

**NCIS**

Emotionally drained, everyone slept in Monday morning and when she did finally wake up, Ziva felt like a totally different person. Coupled with the progress of last night, she knew today was the day she started being present in life again, taking charge of both her own healing and walking towards the relationship she and Tony used to have and the intimacy they both craved. For that reason she smiled as she leaned over to kiss her husband's cheek. "Good morning."

Tony groaned and buried his head in his arms. "No thanks."

She chuckled. "You have to get up sometime yakiri."

"Says who?" he muttered, ignoring her attempts to get his attention.

Tony lay on his stomach, so Ziva rested her crossed arms on his back, her chin landing on his shoulder. "Maybe no one. But it will not be very much fun in here by yourself."

That brought his eyes to meet hers fast. "You wouldn't stay with me?"

She tilted her head. "You know why that is not a good idea."

He rolled over onto his side and faced her. "I'm not going to pressure you to have sex with me Ziva."

Ziva sighed. "I know. But it is not fair to you to spend extra time with me in bed when you will only want something you cannot have."

Tony spun her wedding band around and thought about the logic. "So does that mean you're not going to kiss me?"

The corners of her lips curved up. "I will, if you can stop at one."

He made a face. "You are not playing fair."

She shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Take it or not."

Tony rolled his eyes and bent his head close to hers. "I'll take it." He waited only a moment to feel her soft lips caressing his and drew as much out of the kiss as she would let him. When they broke apart, he grinned. "Now that's my idea of 'Good morning'."

Ziva smiled and looked away. They were interrupted by a gentle knock on the door. Both checked to make sure they were presentable and Tony answered. "Come in."

Nettie edged in, carrying a tray laden with toast, eggs, juice, fresh fruit, and bowls of oatmeal. Seeing that, Tony jumped up to help and set the tray in the center of the bed. Nettie joined them and smiled. "Boker tov tatelahs." She looked between them. "You both seem...different this morning. Lighter."

Tony caressed the back of Ziva's hand. "I think we're finally heading in the right direction."

The old woman nodded approvingly. "That is what I like to hear."

Ziva met her husband's eyes and took a bite of a strawberry. "Thank you Doda, you did not have to do this."

Nettie clucked her tongue. "Nonsense. Everyone deserves to be spoiled."

Tony leaned back and grinned up at the ceiling as he bit into a piece of toast. "You're never going to hear me complain about that Doda."

Breakfast, or rather brunch, was a leisurely affair and once finished Nettie brushed off her hands. "And now it is time to work."

The couple exchanged glances and Tony's eyebrows rose. "Work?"

Nettie stared him down. "Yes Anthony. Like the laundry, which appears not to have been touched since before you left to bring my Ziva home. The floors have not been washed or swept any time in recent memory. The carpets could use a good vacuuming, and there is enough dust on your furniture to write an entire portion of the Torah in. So come, there is much to be done."

Sighing, Tony got up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, then an old t-shirt. He'd been around Ziva's aunt long enough to know when not to argue with her. Ziva, who was having a hard time concealing her amusement at how willing her husband was to be ordered around by a seventy-six year old woman, slipped into yoga pants and a long sleeved shirt and thick socks, as her circulation was not yet up to par. Once out in the kitchen, Tony was pointed towards the vacuum, Ziva was handed a duster, and Nettie got out the mop. They worked diligently for quite some time, occasionally having to re-do a section that was not up to the standards of Nettie David.

When her part was finished, Nettie directed Ziva to the fridge, which she insisted be scrubbed again. "If the task was left up to your husband, I am sure the place would end up quarantined."

"Hey!" Tony yelled from the livingroom where he was wrapping up the vacuum cord. "It was not that bad."

Nettie snorted. "You were not the one who cleaned it, if I recall correctly."

Ziva turned to her husband. "You made my aunt do the cleaning?"

With a deer in the headlights expression on his face, Tony looked from one to the other and held up his hands. "Uh...I...look, she kind of did it without asking. I just didn't stop her. As if anyone could," he muttered under his breath.

Ziva rolled her eyes and Nettie pointed at him. "Go collect the laundry Anthony. It will take all day to finish."

Making a face, Tony returned the vacuum to the cleaning closet and headed for the bathroom. "Are you sure you weren't a drill sergeant in another life?" he grumbled, leaving the ladies to laugh behind his back.

By the time he had everything ready to do laundry, Ziva had cleaned the fridge to her aunt's satisfaction and the old lady looked around with a critical eye, finally turning to them with a pleased expression. "Lovely job my dears, you should be proud." Fishing around in a catch all cupboard for something she'd spotted earlier, Nettie put it in her pocket. "I am going to feed the birds in the backyard. I trust the two of you can be left alone that long without fighting?"

He felt like all of eight years old again. "Yes Ima." Both women stared at him for use of the Hebrew word for 'Mom', but Tony ignored them and started digging through the impressive pile of clothes for anything dark. Nettie went out the back and Ziva joined him, pulling out all the colourful articles of clothing and putting them in one basket while Tony worked on the other, until only the whites were left.

Due to Ziva's diminished strength, he carried everything over to the laundry closet and started the first load, estimating at least five more before all was said and done. Finally Tony flopped onto the couch with a groan. "I'm never doing that again."

Ziva sat on the arm of the couch and smiled. "Maybe not all in one day, but it will have to be repeated at some point."

He peeked open one eye. "Kind of a fact of life, huh?"

"Just like laundry and dishes I'm afraid." She glanced towards the kitchen and Tony couldn't read the look on her face.

"What?"

Ziva's gaze returned to him. "Hmm? Oh, I was just thinking."

He nudged her thigh with his foot. "Gonna tell me this time?"

She chewed on the inside of her lip. "I was thinking that I feel like making cookies."

Tony's eyebrows rose. That was a first. Taking initiative, being motivated to do something, had to be a good sign. He sat up a bit. "Need an assistant? I can stir a mean batter."

The genuine delight in her laughter was worth making a lame joke. Her eyes twinkled. "I could probably find a use for you. My arms," she held them out and eyed the thin limbs critically, "I do not know that I could do it all myself."

"That's what I'm here for babe. Just say the word."

One eyebrow arched in curiosity. "What word?"

Tony grinned. "Please would be nice."

She considered that option briefly. "How about a bribe instead?"

Intrigued, he leaned forward and draped his arms over bent knees. "I'm listening."

Ziva moved to stand in front of him and leaned down, cupping his cheeks with her hands. "This." She fit her lips between and over his, offering one of his favourite forms of contact as the reward. When he tried to deepen it just a bit, she pulled back with a slight shake of her head. "Nice try. But you will have to earn more."

His mouth fell open in shock but Ziva ignored his reaction, heading into the kitchen while Tony stayed on the couch, a goofy smile on his face. Finally he got up to choose a movie, anything to keep his mind off walking across the room and kissing his wife breathless. He figured she'd appreciate it if, for the time being, he kept his hands to himself. Tony could only hope that particular part of her healing would not last much longer. Ziva was his favourite drug.

_Replies:_

_Emma - Yes, you were :) T really needed the time with the guys. Oh, I'm glad you think so. They all had to end up in DC for my purposes whether it was plausible or not, so it's good to hear that it is possible. You will. Part of the next chapter is spent at the park with Mark and his family. I, too, think it's a bit silly that T has kid issues on the show, but I suppose there's probably a reason for that and they just haven't told us yet. Mmm...no Gibbs demand in the near future I'm afraid. We mostly follow canon with Z going back to work, including that morning being the first time she's spoken to G since they brought her back. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the review! :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Oh good, I'm glad. Z will help T understand the difference in a couple chapters. Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, I had fun with the guys. They'll be showing up on a semi-regular basis for the rest of the series, I think. They also make a great support system for T, who needs someone outside AN and Z. Mark will be keeping close tabs on T for awhile and I'm hoping to grow a friendship between his wife Cassie, Jordan's fiancee Allie and Z. Because she needs more friends too. Don't worry, Nettie's going to give Z her own dose of truth shortly. But yes, it is helpful that she can talk to the couple about each other, when the obvious is something they don't see. Thanks for reviewing Sarah! :)_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Sorry this is going up later today guys, but I hope you all had a lovely Father's Day and did something special for the dad or father figure in your life. I'm happy to report that Aftermath is nearly finished. I'm on the last chapter now, and unless something unexpected happens, we'll be ending at Ch 14. Then I think I'll take a week or so off to regroup and get started on Part 4. I just don't have the free time I used to and I'm finding it hard to get enough writing done during the week. Thanks so much to all who are faithfully following and to all my lovely reviewers. You guys make me smile :) Love, ~Aliyah_

Tony was just putting in the second load of laundry when Nettie finally came in from outside. She took in the couple, both engaged in separate activities but with no tension or negative feelings floating between them, and breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps their road back to each other would not be as difficult as she'd initially feared. Going to the bathroom to wash her hands, Nettie took a good look around. "Children, our job is not done yet."

Exchanging nervous glances, Tony and Ziva followed her voice and scanned the room. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could've been, but certain parts did show signs of neglect. Knowing that resistence was futile, Tony bravely stepped inside. "I'll do the shower."

Ziva surveyed the remaining options. "I will take care of the sinks and counter."

"And the toilet," Nettie added. When her niece frowned she continued. "I know you do not feel up to heavy labour yet Zivaleh, but you will never build you strength back up by avoiding things that make you tired. Take your time. The mirror and floor are mine."

The dryer buzzed and Ziva had taken out three trays of cookies, working in between the cooking times, before the bathroom was restored to its former, pristine glory, and though the partners felt as if they never wanted to see housework again, there was an aspect of pride at a job well done. Since she was expected to pull her own weight, Ziva took care of getting the warm laundry out of the dryer while Tony threw the next one in. He carried the basket over to the couch and the two of them worked together to match socks, fold towels, and shake the wrinkles from pants and shirts before they got put in neat piles to be returned to their respective homes when everything was finished.

Dinner hour came upon them without warning and Tony volunteered to cook. "You've done enough for us this week Doda," he assured her, heading off the protest that was coming. "There's a bunch of meat in the freezer. I'll throw something on the barbeque. Zi," she looked his way, nibbling on one of her cookies, "can you find some frozen vegetables? I don't think we have time to do potatoes."

"I will warm the pitas," Nettie volunteered. "There is some hummus left. It is usually a meal, but tonight it can go on the side."

"Great." He left for the garage where the standing freezer was and chose that evening's fare. Half an hour later they were all sitting at the table enjoying a hot, satisfying supper - tender grilled chicken, broccoli and carrots, and the hummus with torn up pieces of pita. Although Tony knew she couldn't help it, watching his wife pick at the vegetables, slowly eat piece after piece of pita, and then to make it only halfway through her chicken was both painful and disturbing. She'd been home two weeks, all he wanted was for something to be normal for her again.

His cell phone rang and Tony grabbed it off his belt where it still hung out of long habit, briefly wondering who it was since most of the people who would call him were sitting in the room. "DiNozzo."

"Tony?" came Ducky's voice. "Did you and Ziva forget that we had an appointment tonight?"

He looked at his watch. "Shoot. Sorry Ducky, we're just finishing supper. I guess we did forget. You okay if we're there in about thirty minutes?"

"Of course. Take your time, no rush. Mother will be watching Jeopardy, so we should not be bothered."

"Thanks." Tony hung up the phone and caught Ziva's eyes. "Once a week Zi, that was the agreement."

Reluctance was clear in her posture. "I do not see why I have to go back. Nothing has changed."

He'd have to argue that. In a week so much had changed that he was having a hard time keeping up. Tony turned to Nettie. "We'll be gone for at least an hour. Will you be okay alone?"

She chuckled. "I hardly need a babysitter Anthony. Go. I am quite capable of caring for myself."

"Yeah," Tony leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I know." He studied Ziva's not empty plate. "You done?"

She nodded. "Yes. I will get changed and meet you in the car."

They watched her go and Tony sighed. "I don't know if she's getting better Doda."

Nettie swatted him with her napkin. "The day you two have had, after so much miscommunication and distance, and you do not consider this progress?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, yes, I guess. But I keep hoping..." His words trailed off and Nettie shook her head.

"Today was normal Anthony, be grateful for that."

"Yeah," he rubbed his face, "I'll do my best."

**NCIS**

Ducky's time with Ziva was shorter this go around and he was pleased to report that she had gained a little weight, but all Ziva could focus on was how slow her progress felt. "I still ache Ducky, inside." She lifted and bent each limb carefully, then flexed her fingers, but the movement caused a brief wince. "How long does it take for fractured bones to heal?" A couple had been broken and with what strength she possessed Ziva had reset them herself, but others were damaged just enough to cause pain, not to incapacitate her completely and the discomfort had persisted far beyond what she'd expected.

The older man touched her shoulder gently. "Far longer than normal, I'm afraid. The malnourishment has affected many things about your body, one of those things is the length of time it will take for wounds and injuries to fully knit back together."

Ziva sighed. "Then what is the use in hoping?"

Ducky gave her a small smile. "There is use because the symptoms will not last forever my dear, and you must look forward to the day that is still coming." It was obvious his answer didn't make her feel any better, but there was little the doctor could do to comfort her. "Is there anything else you would like to talk about?"

She took her bottom lip between her teeth and thought, forehead wrinkling. "Doctor, is it possible for nightmares to come while you are awake?"

Ducky's eyebrows drew together. "When did this happen?"

Ziva shrugged. "Last week Tony slammed the door and all of a sudden it seemed I was back in my cell, remembering-" She cut herself off. "I felt like the moment was real, as if I was really there."

"Hmm, it seems to me that what you're describing is called a flashback." At her blank look he explained. "A flashback is a sudden, involuntary recalling of a memory, often so powerful that it can seem like you are reliving certain events, and rendering you unable to recognize that it is not happening in that moment."

The news was distinctly unwelcome, but at least she had an answer now for what she'd experienced. Just before they left the room, Ducky handed Ziva a small blue jar. "I meant to give you this last week. It's cream, for your scars. With its use the marks may eventually fade so as to be nearly unnoticeable."

She took the jar and slipped it in the pocket of her sweater, uncertain if she really believed him or not. "Thank you Ducky."

Again shut out of what was happening, Tony had put his wait in the library to good use and took careful notes from the materials still laid out on the desk in relation to what his wife had suffered. When she came out, he thanked Ducky for taking good care of her and they returned home. Ziva was ready for bed early that night, and when she was getting undressed came across the cream. She looked at it carefully and Tony took notice. "What's that?"

Ziva dropped it on the bed. "Cream. Ducky said it may help...with the scars."

Tony picked up the small jar and glanced at her. "Want me to put it on for you?"

For a moment she considered blowing him off, but one of the things on her list was finding some small way every day to let her husband closer than he'd been so far. With that in mind, she nodded and pulled off her shirt. Tony sat beside her on the edge of the bed and took his time looking. "That's more skin that I've seen in awhile." Sure it has only been a couple days since he helped her get dressed after a bath, but time lately seemed to be lasting twice as long as it used to, and sometimes it felt like forever in between moments of progress.

Taking a chance, he skimmed his fingers over her chest, just out of the zone that might've made her too uncomfortable. Ziva's nose wrinkled. "Must you be such a man?"

He kissed her cheek. "Yes." Starting with the marks on her torso, he gently smoothed a bit of cream over each one and carefully rubbed it in. His hands wandered down her sides, across the ribs that stood out too much for his liking. "I hate how skinny you are. I keep thinking that if we'd been a few days later, maybe..." He didn't actually want to say the words.

She reached up to place her palm on his cheek. "I am not fond of the state of my body either." Ziva scanned what she could see with critical eyes. "I look like...a victim, and I hate that. I do not look like a woman, and I miss when I did. Now," she shrugged, "there is no way for me to feel attractive or desirable, even if I was ready to be."

Tony moved behind her and leaned down to press his lips to her shoulder. "You're always beautiful to me honey. I'll adjust to anything as long as it means you're alive." Ziva stole a quick glance at him but remained quiet. As he worked his way down her back, he thought of something. "Do you remember what you told me one of those first nights, that you're always in pain?" She nodded and he cleared his throat. "Are you still?" He hated thinking of her that way, knowing he could not take the pain away.

Ziva considered the question carefully. "Yes." She could almost feel the way his shoulders sagged. "Maybe not to the same extent as I was two weeks ago, but it is still present. Ducky said it...may take awhile yet."

"What about the headaches?" Tony wanted to know. "And the light? Does it bug your eyes now?"

She touched her forehead as if that might give her the answer. "I think...they may be getting less. The light...only when I am outside in the sun. Normal light in the house is not bad anymore."

"Well," he sighed, "that's something at least." He finished and screwed the lid back on, then slid his arms loosely around her waist, his chin resting on her shoulder. "I wish I could've taken your place."

Ziva turned immediately, something intense flashing in her brown eyes. She took his face in her hands. "No Tony, do not wish that. I cannot...I cannot think of seeing you in that kind of pain."

Tony put his hands over hers. "I don't know how it'd be any worse than believing you were dead, that I'd lost you forever."

She closed her eyes and bowed her head, her tone very solemn. "There are things so much worse than death. Please, let us not think of this any more."

He wanted to hear what she was thinking, he yearned for a way to share the burden of her memories, the invisible pain that place still inflicted on her. But try as he might, Ziva was not letting him in. So instead Tony swallowed and kissed her, tasting tears on her lips. Maybe she wouldn't tell him what they did, but it was killing her inside, the suffering so great he could almost feel it. He held her close when they got into bed and once she was asleep he started planning for the next day. Once that was settled, he felt the tiniest bit of contentment in his heart, knowing the plans he'd come up with would make Ziva smile. It was fast becoming one of his main goals now that he'd noticed how few and far between they were. Above anything else, she needed a reason to be happy.

**NCIS**

The next morning Nettie accompanied her niece and nephew to the barn in Maryland, to spend time with the horses they'd both grown to love. Tony again helped Ziva brush Jules, while Nettie took a turn with Jax, wanting to get to know him better. The stallion seemed to instantly realize that the old woman was different, and he played up to her like a child hoping for a treat and her favour. The thorough brushing he got, something Nettie had learned when Asher and his wife began breeding and raising horses, proved that she'd fallen for his act hook, line, and sinker.

When Jules was done, Ziva looked at her longingly. "I want to go for a ride."

Tony frowned. "Are you strong enough for that?"

Thinking of her body's weakness and state of healing, as well as how quickly her energy faded, Ziva shook her head. "No." She looked over her shoulder at him. "Could I just sit on her for awhile?"

Tony did not like the idea of his wife being up on the horse, no matter how gentle Jules was. But she'd been deprived of the ability to do almost everything she loved, he couldn't deny her this too. He sighed. "I'll give you a boost."

Getting a grip on a handful of Jules' mane, Ziva put her left foot in Tony's hand and he lifted her carefully until she could get her other leg over the horse's back. Immediately she lay down on Jules' neck, whispering to her and stroking her warm, smooth skin. "Hello beautiful girl. I have missed you." Jules' ears flickered back and forth listening to Ziva's voice. Tony stayed right by her side, ready to catch her if something went wrong. But Jules stood still, except for taking one circuit of her stall in response to Ziva's prompting. He could see when the position began to fatigue her and Ziva could no longer keep her spine straight or sit with a proper posture.

Tony held her hand as she slowly turned and slipped off Jules' back straight into his arms. Her face was alight with joy and all he could do was reflect that. "Happy now?" he asked.

Ziva nodded, resting her head on his chest. "Thank you."

He wished he could hold her tighter. "I'd say anytime, but you not having both feet firmly planted on the ground kind of freaks me out."

She frowned. "I have been around horses for much of my life."

Tony caressed her cheek. "Yeah, but I've never seen you this fragile before." That brought a shadow across her face and he stared into her eyes. "I think I've earned a proper kiss."

Ziva lifted her chin and met his mouth with hers, kissing him slowly, letting him take more of her than he'd gotten since she returned. Tony kissed her again and again, never pushing or pressuring, but just deeply desiring the connection with her. That was the position Nettie found them in when she was done sufficiently spoiling Jax. She stood at the doorway and watched for a moment the tender way Tony was with her niece. It shouted in every touch, spoke out of every second they stood so close, sharing breaths and heartbeats and a depth of emotion no one else could reach, how very much they loved each other. Whatever else stood in their way, that was one thing Nettie never had to doubt.

Finally she cleared her throat, hiding her laughter when they broke apart, both looking a tad embarrassed at being caught making out. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

Tony rubbed the back of his neck and forced a neutral tone. "Your timing is something else Doda. Are you sure you're not taking Gibbs' lessons?"

"Does he give classes in sneaking around?" she asked, enjoying his discomfort.

"I'm pretty sure he wrote the book," Tony retorted, turning back to Ziva. Whatever he read in her eyes calmed him a bit, and finally he shot her a genuine smile. "Alright, I guess it's time I took you two ladies out for lunch. Zi, why don't you tell Nettie about some of your favourite places?"

Remembering required a bit more effort these days and Ziva had to put some serious concentration into Tony's request. Eventually a short list of options came to her and they discussed it in the back while he drove them to DC. They ended up at a Greek deli where Tony went for a gyro, Nettie tried the lamb, and Ziva finally settled on a salad. This was a huge step for her, the most people she'd been around since being welcomed back at NCIS, fresh off the plane and totally overwhelmed. For that reason alone Tony chose a booth instead of an outside table and slid in next to his wife, leaving Nettie sitting across from them.

He could tell she was uncomfortable right away. It came through in how she jumped every time the door opened and the little bell dingled, the way her eyes continually flickered over everyone in the restaurant, always fixing on the exit signs as if she might bolt at any moment. She was wound tight enough to snap and Tony didn't want that to be her prevailing memory for being out, fearing that the experience would set her back even more. After a few minutes he moved close enough to be touching, and even though Ziva jerked away from the proximity, he put his arm around her waist and whispered into her ear.

"You're safe sweetheart. No one here is going to hurt you. It's just a bunch of hungry people grabbing something before they go back to work. See, Nettie and I are right here, okay? We're not going to leave you. You're safe. It's okay. I love you." The reassurances were repeated over and over until finally Ziva sagged into his embrace and let him be her strength. Tony kissed her temple and prepared to return to his spot, but her fingers dug into his arm.

"Stay there."

He glanced at the lack of space between them. "Right here?"

She nodded. "Yes."

A grin tugged at his lips as he pulled his plate in front of him. "As you wish."

Ziva snorted. "That is the cheesiest line I have ever heard."

Tony looked at her. "But you like it, right?"

She sighed. "Sometimes."

"Now?"

The mixture of exasperation and love in her eyes gave him hope. "Fine. But only because it is one of your favourite movies."

He grabbed for a defense. "Hey, it's Abby's favourite movie. You try arguing with a forensic scientist who continually reminds you that she can remove you from existence without leaving a trace. I watched it under duress."

Ziva's eyebrows rose. "And I supposed she forced you to purchase it as well?"

"Uh...I...well..." Tony floundered and Nettie exchanged amused glances with her niece.

"What is that phrase you Americans have? Busted?"

He groaned and rolled his eyes. "Okay this is seriously unfair. I'm the only guy here. There should be a rule or something that you girls have to be nice to me."

Ziva kissed his cheek, worked out of her anxiety both by his solid presence beside her and the familiar, welcome banter. "We are always nice Tony. And we are usually right too."

Tony shook his head and took a large bite of his wrap. "I give up."

Nettie reached across and patted his hand. "It is better this way Anthony. No man can win against two women."

About that point he started ignoring them until Ziva and Nettie began discussing what should be next on their meal list. That got his attention since Tony felt compelled to offer his two cents' worth when it came to food and just like that things were back on an even keel. He hoped, for once, that it would last.

**NCIS**

Ziva started shaking beside him around two that morning and Tony rubbed his eyes, wishing this was all a bad dream and he'd wake up to find that she was perfectly fine. But a pained cry of 'No!' dropped from her lips and she wasn't fine. He shook her shoulder, then moved onto verbal prompting when that didn't work. "Ziva. Ziva! Ziva!" he yelled, jerking her out of the nightmare. She took one look at him and burst into tears, rolling over to bury her head in his neck as his arms came around her body, holding her against the force of her anguish. He rubbed his hand slowly up and down her back, murmuring what he hoped were comforting phrases against her dark hair and wishing he could take her pain.

Tony waited until the cries subsided to try and talk to her. "Want to tell me?"

At that she pushed away, leveling a fierce glare at him. "I will never want to tell you what they did Tony, please stop asking! Do not ask me to relive it when all I want to do is forget everything, every moment I spent in that camp under their power. Please."

He sighed. "But you relive it every time a nightmare hits."

She shook her head a tiny bit. "It is not real."

Tony played with her fingers. "It was real."

"Tony." She was pleading this time. "I do not want to talk about it."

"Yeah, I know." He stared down at the blankets. "What do you want?"

Ziva knew he didn't like being kept out of her suffering, but there was no way she was willing to include him in it. The things that had happened in that camp were horrendous, pain taken to an unexpressible level, cruelty in an art form. And she never wanted him to know what it was like to live through over a hundred days where death would've been not a punishment, but a gift. "I want you to hold me," she managed finally. "Please just hold me in your arms. Maybe then they will not find me."

Tony pushed away his need to know what she'd been through and offered instead his protective embrace. "C'mere honey. I'll do my best."

She tucked herself against him and nodded. "I know. And I love you for it."

He rested his cheek on her hair. "I love you back. Sweet dreams."

After what she'd just seen in the unwelcoming hold of sleep, Ziva could only hope.

**NCIS**

The call Mark had been anticipating but not really expecting came Wednesday afternoon just as he was leaving the gym for a two hour break between clients. His plan was to head home and surprise his wife, since she didn't have any music students booked until after school, but that train changed tracks as soon as he saw Tony's number on the call display. He picked up with a smile in his voice. "My man, what's happening?"

Tony sighed. "Stuff I wish wasn't."

Mark unlocked his car and got comfortable in the front seat. "Such as?"

Tony leaned back in his computer chair and looked up. "Ziva's nightmares. The stupid things don't stick to any schedule. So after we've had and day and a half of making progress, one shows up early this morning and knocks the world of its axis again. And she still won't talk about them. She's done everything between begging and ordering me not to ask anymore. I don't think I can push further on that."

"This one set her back?" Mark asked, idly twirling a pen in his fingers.

The other man shrugged, tracing the frame on one of his pictures of Ziva. "No. I mean, not really. We're doing okay, you know? But there's a freaking elephant in our bedroom because of what she sees and whether she wants to be or not, the nightmares make her jumpy. I reach for her without warning her ahead of time and she gives me this look that makes me want to put my fist through a wall. Of all people I should not be the one spooking her."

"You're the one that's closest," Mark pointed out. "Her only defense is against you, because you're real and everything else is just a memory. You can't fight phantoms and images, you can fight other people."

"Thank you Dr. Phil," Tony spit out sarcastically, then rubbed his face. "Sorry, I take that back. You might want to reconsider being my armchair shrink."

Mark switched his phone to the other ear. "I've got broad shoulders, I can take it." Only silence met his words and he waited a beat. "You guys talk yet?"

"Not exactly," he hedged.

"Meaning not at all," Mark translated. "What're you waiting for?"

Tony sighed. "An uneventful day. Just one day where nothing happens to remind her or me of that camp. I wish we'd blown it up. At least then we'd know it and all its people are gone forever."

"I take it that wasn't an option?" Mark asked.

"Probably would've been considered overkill," Tony agreed. "They still don't know why I wanted to go in the first place. They think she's just my partner."

"I don't envy you two keeping that secret," Mark told his friend. "I can't imagine seeing Cassie for hours and hours every day and not being able to acknowledge our marriage or how I feel about her."

Tony snorted. "Ziva and I have had our moments, that's for sure. We've almost given it away a hundred times, but no one is looking close enough to see when we slip up. We've got all sorts of alternatives - locking ourselves in empty restrooms or the copy room, which conveniently locks from the inside, shutting down the elevator, silent conversations across the bullpen. We even scoped out a blind spot beneath the stairs on one of the basement levels where we sometimes escape if we need time alone together."

Mark could hear it in his voice. "You like the game."

"Yeah," Tony mused, "I do. It's kind of nice to know something that no one else knows. And we certainly cherish our time at home so much more than if we openly admitted to being married and everyone could see it in our actions. But now...it's different. I'm not so sure the secret is something we want to keep any more. And I don't know if Zi's ready to go back to playing that game. It was fun while it lasted, but I don't want to leave her on her own out there."

"That's a choice you'll have to make together. And speaking of together, if you keep waiting for nothing to be happening before you guys have that talk, you'll be waiting until the world ends. From what I've heard you guys don't actually have uneventful days."

"You're really annoying, did you know that?" Tony shot back.

"I'm right and you know it and you can't get rid of me by being a jerk, so save yourself the trouble and cut the crap."

Tony closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Man, you've really known me too long."

"That's why I know when you need a kick in the pants," Mark retorted. "Seriously Tony, Cassie and I are here for you, for both of you, but you've gotta do your part. Next time you call me I want to hear that you've done the right thing and talked to Ziva. You both need to know where you stand."

"Thanks," Tony told his friend sincerely. "And I'll try." He could almost see Mark's eyebrows lifting and quickly amended his statement. "I mean, I will. Today. This afternoon. Before we go to bed. We'll sort it out."

"Okay." Mark checked his watch, satisfied that he'd done his job and could still get home to spend an hour in the company of his lovely wife before duty called once more. "Stay strong buddy. And keep fighting for her."

"Always," Tony managed, disconnecting the call. Mark was right, he really needed to talk to his wife. But when all was said and done, he'd rather face a whole gang of suspects unarmed than have to get down and dirty with the details so he and Ziva could figure things out. Being honest and open had never been their strong suit and it was going to take awhile to get used to the fact that this was their new reality. And nothing that happened from here on out was going to change what would always be different.

**NCIS**

While Tony was shut in the office doing something he wouldn't tell either of them about, Ziva and Nettie took over the bench down the street as a place to enjoy the warmth of the early October sun and talk where no one would be able to overhear. "How are you doing motek?" She could tell just by looking into her niece's eyes that her night had been troubled.

Ziva seemed to curl in on herself without hardly even moving. "They are awful Doda," she whispered. "And not even Tony can protect me while I sleep."

Nettie reached out to brush aside Ziva's soft hair. "He would if he could yakirati."

Ziva covered her face with her hands. "When I wake up I can hardly breathe, because for those first few seconds I do not know where I am or what is real. But I did not push him away this time."

"Tiny steps Zivi, that is all you can ask. A little progress is better than none at all." The older woman thought for a moment. "I know two weeks is too soon to be thinking about intimacy, but have you talked about that with him?"

Her niece's eyes flashed. "How can you even ask that when you know what they did Doda?!" Ziva demanded, trembling at even the thought of it.

Nettie shook her head. "I am not trying to push you Ziva, I only asked if the two of you have spoken of the subject yet. Last time you waited only a month, and I think only because he was still away."

Ziva rubbed her forehead. "That was different. Issac had been a friend, even if in the end he turned against me. It is something else entirely to be held against your will and...forced...violated." She shuddered. "To be stripped of every ounce of control...I had never been so vulnerable before." She picked at her flaking nail polish and Nettie sighed.

"So that is a no."

She shrugged. "In little ways it has come up. But I can see it when he touches me that Tony is afraid I will break. And I...have no desire for that now."

Nettie tilted her head. "You may not feel desire for the act itself, but you do desire that closeness with your husband. I have seen the way you look at him - desperate to be enveloped in his love and yet afraid to reach for it."

"Maybe that is what it is," Ziva mused, then straightened her shoulders. "I cannot think of those things now Doda. My body, my mind...everything needs to heal before we can talk about the rest."

"Do you plan to withhold yourself indefinitely?" Nettie inquired, then wished she hadn't by Ziva's stricken expression.

"You do not think he will wait for me?" she almost cried.

Nettie hurried to correct the false impression. "Hush Zivi, that is not what I said. Anthony would wait a lifetime for you to be ready, if that is what it took, we both know this to be true. I know what they did and I know it was awful, but you need to figure out what makes you afraid to be with your husband and together as a couple work through it." She caressed Ziva's cheek gently. "Do not make the mistake of thinking you must heal on your own little bird, let him help."

Ziva nodded as the intense emotions faded and she wiped her eyes. "I need to talk to him."

"I think that is a good idea," Nettie responded quietly. She stood and stretched. "Now, let us go back. I want to trim the dead ends from your hair. It is a lovely day. We can do that in the backyard so there will be no mess to clean up."

Used to the way her aunt simply closed a subject when it was talked out and moved onto something else, Ziva joined her and they walked home together. It pleased the younger woman to realize that she was not tiring as easily as he had right after returning from the desert, which gave her hope that perhaps getting better was not just a dream, but an actual possibility. Back at the house Nettie carried a kitchen stool out to the grass just past the deck and gestured for Ziva to sit. She took hair scissors from her pocket and eyed the ends critically, running her fingers through the bottom part of her niece's hair. She clucked her tongue.

"Some of it will have to go. Do you mind?" Ziva shrugged, unprepared to care about something so trivial and Nettie took that as a no. She measured out the length with nimble fingers and made the first cut, letting the wind blow the dark strands from her hand. At first she snipped straight across, then held up sections one at a time to even everything out.

When all was said and done Ziva had lost more than a few inches, but as it had been ages since she'd gotten a haircut, she didn't mind and even liked the lighter feeling when she moved her head. She let Nettie brush the evidence from her back and together they went inside. Looking at her aunt for support, Ziva took a deep breath and knocked on the office door. It was time they both stopped hiding.

_Replies:_

_Maggie - I'm glad to hear it. lol...well, thankfully Ray is at least a season away. I have plans for him that include something like Michael, changing the context in which he shows up. But I will have to employ creative license and change his name from 'Ray' to 'Rob'. Because I really hate the name Ray. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Guest - well, actually Moses will be phasing out to make room for Tony as her comforter. More on that in Ch 12. Thank you, it's always nice to have fans :)_

_Emma - haha...no one can be right all the time. Rule 51 - even Gibbs isn't. Well, let's just say events have messed up G's 6th sense in relation to T&Z, there's a lot he hasn't seen simply because he's not looking for it. He and Z are going to have a good conversation in Reunion. I never liked the way he reacted to her in those first couple eps, so I'm going to change a few things and make him not such a jerk. I'm glad you liked T at the park, that was kind of fun. And yes, Z totally needed to hear the truths Nettie was sharing. T&N will still have a bit of a talk in Ch 12 about how her actions made him feel, just to get it all cleared up. Well, when I watched Reunion after TorC I was checking to see how much the guys' injuries had healed and I think it could easily be a couple weeks. But I have no idea where that lady agent at Z's desk came from. Last time I checked in the middle of TorC, Tony decided they were no longer hiring. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her. I figure NCIS would let her stay at the Navy Lodge as long as she needed, but they never did say when she ended up getting an apartment. haha...if only, right? But I have a feeling that instead of a movie we'll just have to rely on FF. At least we get some creative answers ;) You're sweet to say so, but they probably don't take Canadians. Every time they mention us in the show we're either bad guys or we're harbouring bad guys. Oh well. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Ely101ncisfan - Hi! I tried to reply to your review on the site, but it says you don't have PMs enabled. If you turn them on, I can contact you directly. In regards to your comment, I'm still considering an Eli/Nettie confrontation moment when she returns to Israel. We'll see if I can work it in. Thanks! :)_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Yes, Z definitely needed the truths that Nettie was dishing out and her aunt is the one person who seems able to get through to her these days. I'm glad she actually put effort into starting to figure things out. I liked the bit at the park too. You could have a point about that. Small children in large numbers intimidate me as well. I worked in Daycare for a semester and after awhile that many kids got overwhelming. Tony was kind of awkward with Carson too, and the little boy from one of the first two seasons, but at least he was trying to make an effort. I'm glad you liked the part with Moses, a few people found that funn. Which is nice, since I don't consider humour one of my strengths. I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Guest - Thank you :) Yes, Mark and Cassie and the rest of the guys are going to be important in T's life from now on. Nettie is very wise and I'm glad Z's in the frame of mind to follow her advice. It's the small steps towards healing that are sometimes the hardest, but also the most rewarding. haha...glad you had a good picture of that moment at the end, it was kind of cute. Thanks for reviewing! :)_


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: Surprise! :) I wanted to post on Saturday this week, but it's no fair making everyone wait that long, so I split the difference and y'all get another chapter :) This is the big talk between T&Z, a time to clear a lot of things up. Not everything, because they still have a long way to go yet, but it's a start. I hope you enjoy :) Thanks for everything guys! ~Aliyah_

Tony heard the knock and looked up. "Come in." His wife slipped inside and closed the door, seeming a bit nervous. He finished the last of what he was writing and turned to face her. "What's up?"

Ziva sat on the footstool. "We need to talk Tony."

He leaned forward in his chair and sighed. "Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing."

She pushed her hands between her knees. "Too many days have gone by with too much left unsaid or unanswered and...I do not want us to get lost in all the uncertainty."

Tony moved close and put his hand on her knee. "Neither do I Zi. I love you." He reached back for the piece of paper he'd been working on. "See? I even made a list so I wouldn't forget anything." Reading the pain in her eyes, he tried to reassure her. "Not Israel yet babe, not the stuff that hurts. Just the basics about us - what we're thinking and feeling and how we're going to get through the days and weeks of the next few months."

Relief flooded her dark gaze and Ziva drew a breath. "Okay." She licked her lips. "Did you want to go first?"

"Let's take turns," Tony suggested. "Whenever something comes up, we'll talk about it." He looked down at the slightly crumpled list in his hand. "For starters, I want to get rid of that memorial stone. I don't care if we bury it or drop it off a cliff somewhere, I want it gone."

"I do not think we have cliffs in DC," Ziva interjected, trying to tease, but he was far too serious for that. She twisted a piece of hair around her finger. "Why?"

Tony flexed his shoulders, feeling stressed already. "Because I can't have you always looking at it and remembering how close you came to dying. It freaks me out when you look like you still expect to some days."

Ziva pulled her knees up. "When it is hard, I wish that had happened. Death would have been welcomed any of the days I spent in the camp. But then I remember you and I know I cannot give up so easily when you will not."

"I hate it when you call Israel home," Tony blurted with barely a pause.

Her brow furrowed. "Why? Israel is my home Tony. I was born there, I spent my childhood and most of my life in that country. I will always think of it fondly."

"It scares me," he elaborated, "to think you still feel loyal to that place. Everything about Israel disgusts me. That country and its people have used you badly, they turned their backs on you when you needed them most. Please Ziva," he pleaded, "I want your home to be here, with me."

Ziva shook her head. "No Tony, do not say things like that. Israel is a beautiful country full of loving, generous people. Do not judge the whole country on the failing of a few, or condemn all its people because those few left such a bad impression in your mind."

Tony rubbed his face. "It's hard not to think like that, when that's all I have to go on."

She tilted her head. "You have Aunt Nettie."

He frowned. "She could be the exception."

"But she is not," Ziva disagreed. "Nettie is only one shining example of the heart of the Israeli people. Please keep that in mind."

Tony clenched his jaw and stared at the floor, but eventually he let the negative feelings drain away and breathed out. "Okay. I'm sorry. I know Israel means a lot to you."

She smiled her thanks and touched his cheek gently. "Yes, it does. And no matter where I go or what I do, my heart will always be Israeli. But my home," Ziva smiled and let her hand fall to his heart, "that has been with you since before we said 'I do.' And I would not change that for anything in the world."

Tony swallowed hard and lifted her hand to kiss her palm. "Good to know." He cleared his throat. "I think it's your turn now."

She stared searchingly into his green eyes. "Is it true that you feel like a failure because I was hurt?"

His mouth fell open and he frowned. "Who told you that? Because it certainly didn't come from me."

Ziva wouldn't let him sidestep the question. "Please answer me. Is it true?"

Tony sighed heavily and dropped his head. "Yes."

"That was not your fault," she responded immediately.

He shook his head. "You're wrong. I'm your partner Zi, it's my job to have your back. More than that I'm your husband and I couldn't stop you from going on that suicide mission." Tony wouldn't look at her. "And my love was not enough to make you stay."

"No Tony, it is not like that at all." She needed to make him believe her. "I was not in the frame of mind to listen to anyone in Israel." It seemed the topic had crept in without them noticing.

"If as your husband I can't even protect you from yourself, what good am I?" Tony asked despondently.

Ziva took his hand. "Whether you meant to or not, your actions brought me home ahava. I wish you would remember that instead of seeing everything you could not do." He didn't answer and her heart broke a little bit more to see the hurt her decisions had inflicted on this gentle man. "Are you to protect me from everything in life?" He looked at her like he didn't understand and she rubbed her forehead. "You are not responsible for my choices Tony. I was not...myself in Israel. But it does not matter. I do not blame you for Somalia. Your actions did not cause it and there is no reason to feel guilty. I know I cannot make you stop, but I'm asking you to let it go. It is time that Africa is over for us. You must take the first step."

"It's not so easy," Tony sighed, feeling the weight of a thousand bricks on his soul. "But I'll try."

Ziva leaned forward and kissed him lightly. "And I will remember if you forget."

He sat up, his fingers coming to cradle her jaw, keeping her close. "What are the chances we can do more of that?" Ziva relaxed into his touch, resting her forehead on his. Tony's breath fanned across her lips. "I'd really like to kiss you more, the way we did at the barn. That's the first time..." he hesitated, weighing his thoughts. "It's hard to feel connected to you and close to you when I'm not touching you, when I can't make love to you and experience that gift of oneness. We need each other Zi." Tony faltered and swallowed. "At least, I hope you still need me."

Ziva had tensed at the mention of sex and now pulled away, regret mingled with longing in her eyes. "I need your love, your support, your patience and persistence. I need you because I love you and you are my husband, you know me better than anyone." She swallowed hard and looked down at her hands. "When you dressed me after a bath...I could not forget. I need your desire Tony, to feel human again. And even though I remember...what it was like to be together, how cherished you always made me feel..." her breath caught, "...I am afraid of it as well."

Tony blew out a breath and tipped her chin up. "Me too," he confessed.

Her eyebrows drew together. "Why?"

He rubbed his face. "I'm afraid of even thinking of sex. You're so fragile right now Zi, so skinny and weak. I don't want to hurt you and I know that would."

"I think you are right," Ziva admitted. "I am not healthy enough or...ready. And I wish you would not take this the wrong way, but I have no desire for sex right now except for the safety, security, and all consuming proof of your love that the act would bring. Even if I did have the desire, that is something I cannot handle, but I do not have the words to explain why."

Tony's gaze narrowed and he distanced himself a little more. "I think the words are there Ziva, you just don't want to use them." She opened her mouth but he shook his head. "No. Just listen. I know you think you can't tell me what you went through in that camp, but I don't think you understand that it's worse this way, when I'm imaging a thousand terrible things and I don't know if they're true or not. Wondering sucks Zi." He closed his eyes. "Do you know what it's like for me to know even a part of it, just what I saw on your body that first night? To know so many guys touched my wife, hurt her so badly she's scared even of me, and that I couldn't do a thing to stop it because I didn't know? Do you think for a second I wouldn't've come in a heartbeat if there was even a chance you were still alive?"

Ziva pushed to her feet and paced nervously in the narrow space between their desks. Tony merely watched, giving her time, and finally she stopped by the sliding doors. She closed her eyes and whispered, "I can't. I can't let you see inside the memories. I do not want my scars to become yours. And I cannot let you see how far I fell and how badly I failed."

He rose and approached her slowly, giving her time to recognize that he wasn't a threat. Tony threaded his fingers loosely between hers and just held on. What could he say? What could possibly change the way she saw herself after a lifetime of learning it was never okay to make a mistake? Finally he kissed her forehead. "I'll wait honey. I'll wait until you figure out that it's okay. Until you know that I will love you even when things aren't pretty."

She went into his arms then, seeking the shelter of his love. Tony gave what Ziva needed freely, resting his cheek on her hair. When she finally spoke, the words were quiet. "Whose turn is it?"

Tony chuckled. "Yours I think. But I kinda forgot to keep track."

Ziva was silent for awhile, searching through her thoughts for a question that needed to be answered. When she found one, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the truth. She swallowed. "Is it hard for you to watch what I am like now?"

Tony let go and stepped back so he could look at her. He tucked some hair behind her ear. "Yes."

Ziva's eyes came up and resignation lay heavy in them. "That is what I thought."

There was no way to be honest without injuring also. "Sometimes I'm afraid I don't know you anymore, that maybe you won't let me know you again." He sighed. "I don't know how to get my wife back."

Her lips trembled and tears filled her eyes at the possibility. "What if you cannot?"

Using his thumb, Tony wiped away the tears trailing slowly down her cheeks. "I love you Zi. You are...neshama sheli, my soulmate, and ha'or hakhayim sheli, the light of my life. I'll get to know you all over again if that's what it takes."

She was practically begging him to kiss her, to use the expression as a way to prove his words, so Tony did. Once, twice, but stopped before he got too distracted to remember how important this talk was. Ziva's hand slid up to rest over his heart. "Gam ata hakol sheli. You are my everything also."

He gave her a half grin. "I'll take it." Tony played with her rings. "You said something a few days ago when we were talking about boundaries for touch, that you hoped someday you'd be able to trust me far enough to find out if I'd be gentle with you. Does that mean you don't trust me right now?"

"I think..." Ziva began slowly, "that trust is a very fragile thing and mine has been damaged almost beyond repair." She looked up. "There have been too many betrayals and too much hurt. I do not know when I will be able to trust myself to trust again."

Tony absorbed the blow without comment, though inside he felt like crying. Ziva loved him and he loved her, but they were afraid to trust each other again. He didn't want that to be an issue, wanted her to believe that he'd keep his word, and he hated that healing and restoring their marriage was taking so long, but they'd come too far to give up now. He returned to his chair and Ziva sat back on the footstool, waiting. When he nodded slightly, she took her turn.

"Why were you so upset when we went to Temple?"

"I wasn't upset that you went, but that you went without me." Tony leaned his elbows on his knees. "I feel like sometimes you're hiding behind Nettie so you don't have to be alone with me."

"I suppose I am, sometimes," she acknowledged. "But Aunt Nettie also tells me a lot of truths that I do not always want to see."

"Such as?"

Ziva took a deep breath. "She said I am being selfish, that being hurt does not allow me to act the way I have been. And she is right."

He nodded. "She usually is."

Her gaze found his. "I am willing to work to get us back, but there are times I will have to be reminded, like when I let the memories push you away." Ziva held her hand out for him to take and Tony's strong fingers curled around hers. "Marriage requires effort to be given by both parties. It is not fair that you are always trying to get close and I do not do the same." She reached over to the bookshelf and pulled out a thick black, leather-bound journal. Turning to a page in the middle, she pointed to one section. "This is a list of things I want to do for you, just as you have given so much to me."

Tony's eyebrows rose in interest and he squinted at the script. "What's it say?"

A smiled curved her lips. "If I wanted you to know, I would have written it in English."

He loved when she teased him, because he got a glimpse of the old Ziva. "Keeping secrets, huh?"

She shook her head. "Not really." Near the bottom Ziva showed him another list. "Here is a list of my goals, things to accomplish now that I am home." She put her finger on the first line. "This one says that I will start the process to become a citizen, once we have settled things at work."

Tony's mouth fell open. "Are you serious?" He'd only wanted that since their first separation.

Her eyebrows drew together. "I would not have told you if I wasn't."

He moved close and kissed her soundly before she could anticipate his intention. "Thank you," he whispered against her lips.

Ziva caressed his stubbled cheek. "Except for Aunt Nettie, I am done with Israel Tony. There is nothing left for me there, but I have everything here to work towards."

Tony stayed close, just breathing her in, and tried to remember what else was on his list. "Does that mean you aren't going to leave me to fight for us alone?"

She remembered when he said that and she stayed silent. "No," Ziva told her husband. "I promise that I will have your back. We will find our way out together." Their lips met to seal the promise between them and Tony was very reluctant to let her go. Ziva pushed him back gently. "I think we are not done yet."

"No." Though he was beginning to wish they were. This was a lot to take in. "And it's your turn."

She tilted her head. "What am I doing wrong that you keep going away? You leave without telling me and I do not know where you are."

Tony rubbed his forehead and stood up, settling in the corner chair behind her. "Will you come sit with me for awhile?" Now was the time for sharing what had helped him get to this point. Concern coloured Ziva's expression but she obligingly joined him and got comfortable as they shared the space. Tony's fingers slid over and around hers. "I'm sorry for keeping you in the dark. I had some stuff to work through and we're only talking today because I got help." Her brow furrowed and he swallowed, ready to explain.

"Saturday, after you guys left for Temple, I got a call from Adrian." Placing the name, Ziva nodded slowly, remembering the handful of times she'd met her husband's frat brothers in the past year and a half since the last holdout had finally moved to DC from San Francisco. "He and the guys wanted to play basketball and I have to say Zi," he twirled her hair around his finger, "it was really good to hang out with them again. They missed us this summer." Then he frowned. "I left you a note, didn't you see it?"

"No." Ziva shook her head and looked down, biting her lip. "Did you have to explain?"

Tony shook his head. "Not to all of them, but Mark knew something was up and stayed after the others left." He met her eyes. "I told him everything Zi, or most of everything. It helped."

Her eyebrow drew together. "Yet you did not even speak to me that night."

He intertwined their fingers. "Mark gave me some stuff to think about. He invited me to spend some time with Cassie and the kids at the park on Sunday. They want to help us however they can."

Ziva's voice was small. "He told her?"

Tony kissed his wife's temple. "Only that someone hurt you and the healing is hard on us both. I asked Mark not to give Cassie details. She'd like us to come over to the house, when you're ready."

She sighed. "I do not know if I will ever be ready to face another person after Somalia. I feel as if they can see everything just by looking."

His lips brushed over each of her fingertips. "They can't honey. They'll see that you've lost weight, that you're nervous and tired, but after that it's only what you want them to see."

"I wish they could have been there for you when you thought..."

Tony swallowed. "I pretty much cut myself off from everyone Zi, Nettie is the only one who didn't give me a choice. But I want to spend time with them again, together if you can handle that." His face lit up. "Oh, and guess what? We're invited to Jordan and Allie's wedding!"

Ziva smiled. "He finally asked her?"

"Independence Day," Tony confirmed. "They're getting married Christmas Eve."

"An interesting choice," she commented.

"Yeah, but I think it'll be really special. You know Jordan would do anything for Allie."

"As you have for me," Ziva whispered.

He turned her face towards him, glancing from her eyes to her lips before closing the gap. Tony kept the kiss soft, gentle, and undemanding, only moving back a fraction to ask his next question. "I want to see you smile Zi, all the time, as much as possible. What can I do to make that happen? Go riding more?" he offered.

She traced his face with gentle fingers. "I wish I could tell you. I will certainly never turn down time with the horses or the chance to be outside, but nothing is for certain right now Tony. What works one day may not work the next." Ziva was hesitant to bring up a topic they'd already discussed, but she had one more thing to say about it.

"I told you yesterday that we should not be in bed together except for sleeping, and I still feel the same today. But Aunt Nettie asked me about intimacy after the nightmare and she made a good point." She put resolve into her gaze. "We need to slowly figure out what makes me afraid to be close that way, and work through it. But my reflexes are..." Ziva frowned, searching for the word, and made a face when she couldn't find it. "They think faster than my mind at the moment. I do not want to hurt you, but if you touch me and it triggers a memory, that may happen before I realize you are not going to do me harm."

"Nettie's right," Tony pointed out. "We do need to work on that and in doing so heal together." He sighed. "Even though everything hurts right now, I don't regret anything. We've had our turns to shut down and pull away, but that has to stop now. Tonight we promise from this moment on - no hiding, no running, no ignoring the problems. We won't get anywhere unless it's together."

"How?" Ziva asked.

He caressed her cheek with his thumb. "By talking even though it's not my favourite thing or yours. To each other, to Mark for me and Nettie for you. Eventually things will get better."

"Where would you like to start?"

Tony appreciated her willingness. "Your nightmares. I hate when you walk away from me after, when you try to handle it on your own. But I really like when you let me hold you once you wake up and while you fall back to sleep."

She took that in and stared hard at him as if committing the words to memory. "Anything else?"

He leaned close and kissed her again, pleased to find her responsive to his touch. "One more thing, while we're still on the subject. I know you're just holding him for comfort, because he made you feel safe and loved when you were little, but I think it's time I took Moses' place at your side. That spot is where I have belonged for the last three years and I'm claiming it for the next fifty as well. Plus," Tony grinned, "I think I'm more fun to cuddle with than a stuffed bear."

"I suppose we shall see," Ziva agreed with a hint of teasing in her tone. Then she quickly got serious again. "It seems like so much, a mountain in front of us that must be climbed, no safety net or anchoring rope. I'm scared Tony," she admitted.

He made her look at him. "Hey, don't think about it like that. One day at a time, remember? One hour if that's what it takes. The road to healing may look like a mountain Zi, but I'll be your safety net if you'll be my anchoring rope. We both need to learn that it's okay to fall."

She hugged him then, quite unexpectedly, and Tony could feel the way she trembled. He rubbed her back reassuringly and held on tight, because tonight there was no way he was coming close to ever letting her go again. "I love you," Ziva whispered, the words muffled against his shirt.

"I loved you first," Tony countered, since he was the one who'd said it first.

"I remember." Ziva sat up and reached for her journal. Flipping through it, she came to the entry Nettie had read on her first visit and tapped the page. "This is the day."

He crossed his eyes at her tight, neat lines of Hebrew script. "I give up."

A smile touched her lips briefly. "I wrote that it was unexpected and scared me to death, but also showed how much you had changed because you didn't ask me to say it back." Her fingers followed the sentence from right to left. "I know in my heart that I love him," Ziva read, "but-" she faltered, scanning the rest of the paragraph.

"But?" Tony prompted.

"But he deserves much more than I know how to be. I wish I had the freedom to give him my heart."

"What was the date?" he asked, unable to place the exact moment he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"June sixteenth, two thousand six."

"Almost exactly two months before our wedding," Tony mused. "Any regrets?"

She snapped the book shut. "No. None. Only that is could not have been an easier road. Three years and our first anniversary was the only one spent together."

"We'll have to work on that," he joked, but her dark eyes did not consider the memory funny. "You know what?" Tony decided. "We need to start having fun together again. Every day do at least one fun thing. It can't be sad and serious all the time, no matter how hard things are." He held out his pinky finger. "Promise?"

Ziva's eyes twinkled and she hooked her baby finger around his. 'Yes. I promise."

"And I think we should do something like this every day as well, or every few days - talk about things that have happened, deal with how we're feeling and any questions and thoughts right away instead of keeping them all inside or pretending they don't exist."

She rubbed her forehead. "Tony, I do not think I can handle any more of talking. I am exhausted from sharing and my heart is heavy even though we are now sharing the burden. My head aches just trying to keep track of what you have said, what I need to remember and try to do. I am sorry, but it is too much right now."

Tony nodded. "I get it Zi, I do. Trust me, talking isn't my favourite thing either. But it won't always have to be like this, hours of hashing things out, just a few minutes to check in with each other and see how things are going. Okay?" Ziva shrugged listlessly and he could feel her withdrawing. To deal with everything had been overwhelming and Tony understood. He kissed her forehead. "Come on babe, why don't you go lie down for a bit?"

"It is nearly dinnertime!" she protested, but he shook his head.

"Who cares? We can eat late. I promise we won't do anything even remotely interesting without you."

Unable to fight the weariness cloaking her body, Ziva nodded and stood. Tony was right there to steady her when she wobbled and if he hadn't needed to open the door he would've carried her to their room. As it was he tucked her in, kissed her palm, and left quietly, preparing himself for the last confrontation on his list. Tony found Nettie on the couch, aged fingers moving rapidly as she knit row after row on the pillow she was making. He sat down beside her and folded his hands.

Nettie looked up before he could start. "Is she alright?"

Tony rubbed his face. That was such a relative word at the moment. "Exhausted. Sad. Overwhelmed. But in a way we have more hope now than we've had in two weeks."

She scrutinized his tired expression. "Are you alright?" Nettie asked softly.

He forced a grin. "Will be. I, uh, need to talk to you." Immediately her knitting was put aside and she gazed at him intently. Tony sighed. "It's about what happened the other day, when you wanted her to go to Temple. I have nothing against the experience, but the way it happened..." He shook his head. "I'm really glad you're here. Ziva, both of us need all the support we can get, but sometimes I feel like you're taking her away from me."

Nettie seemed shocked, but as she thought over the last week, she realized how her actions might have looked. Laying her hand on his arm, she spoke. "I am sorry achyan, that is not my intention. I apologize for simply telling you of my plans instead of discussing it with you. I still believe it is best that she came with me that first time, but I am not trying to come between you two."

He put his hand over hers. "I forgive you. I just needed you to know."

Nettie nodded. "Thank you for being honest with me."

Tony met her gaze. "Thank you for being honest with us. You've made us think about important things Doda. I can never thank you enough for always being here when we need you."

Her eyes grew shiny and she leaned over to kiss his cheek. "It is my pleasure. You two are all that is left of my family. I love you very much."

"We love you too," he echoed, then nodded towards the TV. "Can I interest you in a classic film?"

Nettie smiled and shook her head. "No, show me your favourite movie achyan. Teach me why you love them."

"Be careful what you wish for," Tony warned her, eyeing his collection and plucking a James Bond DVD off the shelf. "It's actually kind of hard to pick an ultimate favourite, but I'll treat you to Sean Connery as the best James Bond ever."

She picked up her knitting again. "That sounds like something I would not want to miss."

After sliding it in Tony went to the kitchen and came back a few minutes later with a bowl of popcorn, explaining to his wife's aunt that it was tradition in their house when watching movies. For just over two hours they sat there and soaked in the action and intrigue, and when the credits rolled Tony glanced over his shoulder at the kitchen. "So, do you know what we're having for supper? And more importantly, how can I help?"

Nettie smiled brightly. "Latkes. Potato pancakes. They are a Hanukkah favourite in Israel. Ziva has always loved them."

"Sounds interesting." Tony stood and offered his hand. "Where do we start?"

"You can peel potatoes," Nettie decided, preceding him into the kitchen, "and I will do the onions. They are not hard to make and do not take overly long. In fact," she flicked through the options in her head, "I think I will mix the ingredients for sufganiyot first."

"Soof-what?" Tony asked, sure he'd never heard that word.

"Jelly doughnuts achyan. Those I am sure you will like."

"Me too," he agreed, liking the way dessert sounded.

They worked together in comfortable silence, Nettie directing Tony how to prepare latkes while she beat the sufganiyot ingredients together and kneaded dough. She took over to add the final touches to the potato pancakes, but put Tony in charge of frying them while she cleaned up. He dried the dishes she washed and everything was returned to its proper place before they set the table and Tony went to wake his wife. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through her hair.

"Ziva." She hummed and he smiled. "It's time for supper sweetheart. Nettie made you something special."

Ziva opened her eyes and blinked slowly. "How long was I sleeping?"

Tony shrugged. "Almost three hours."

Her eyebrows rose and she pushed herself up. "I'm sorry. I should have been helping."

He touched her shoulder. "While I appreciate the offer, it's our last week off before real life starts again. Let us pamper you a bit."

The corners of Ziva's lips lifted and she moved to get out of bed. Tony waited until she'd straightened the covers and took her hands, looking deep into her eyes. "Are you okay, after all that talking?"

She leaned into his chest. "I will know better how I feel in the morning, but I am alright."

He kissed the top of her head. "Good. Let's go. Food's getting cold." Tony led her out and Ziva's eyes lit up when she saw what was on the table. "Latkes! Thank you Doda."

The old woman smiled indulgently. "I know how you enjoy them. I think I will not have to coax you to eat tonight."

Ziva did not answer the comment, but she did finish two whole pancakes while Nettie shared holiday stories surrounding a young girl with dark curls, brown eyes, and an infections smile, with a streak of mischief that often got her into trouble. Tony opted to eat his pancakes with sour cream instead of apple sauce, because that combination seemed a bit odd, and he quite enjoyed them.

After their meal Nettie went back to her risen dough, kneaded it some more, then rolled it out on the floured counter and called Ziva to come cut circles using a cookie cutter. Nettie moved them to a tray while Tony went behind her and added a teaspoon of jam to each, then she brushed the edges with water and squeezed the edges together. They let the doughnuts rise again and played Scrabble while they waited. Finally Nettie began frying the little balls and once they drained on paper towels, Ziva sprinkled them with icing sugar.

All three of them enjoyed the fresh warm treats and took time to clean up again before agreeing to call it a night. Once in their room, Tony watched Ziva change without hesitation and sit down to brush her hair. After a minute he frowned at the familiar motion and stood behind her, examining the dark strands. "Your hair's shorter."

Ziva looked over her shoulder in surprise. "I was not sure you would notice."

He sat beside her on the bed. "I don't miss a lot when it comes to you Zi. How long did it take me?"

She turned to face him. "It only happened this afternoon."

His eyebrows drew together. "Is that where you and Nettie went, to the hairdresser?"

Ziva chuckled and shook her head. "No. Doda cut my hair."

He hadn't expected that. "Oh."

She set her brush down and got into bed. "Aunt Nettie always cut our hair when we stayed with her in the summer. Even Ari, if she felt his curls were getting too long. It brought back good memories."

Tony joined her and tugged a piece of hair gently. "I'm glad. You need more of those than the other kind."

Ziva picked up Moses from beside her pillow and looked at him for a long time, finally kissing his nose. "Ani mitzta'eret ha-chaver yashan, but I have promised my husband he can have your spot." _I am sorry old friend._ She set him on her nightstand, chipped glass eyes staring solemnly back at her. "You may stay there." Ziva moved to face her husband. "I hear that you are good to cuddle with. Will you offer your services tonight?"

He stole a kiss. "Absolutely. Tonight and every other night." Holding out his arm, Tony smiled. "C'mere and get comfortable Mrs. DiNozzo. I'm a man of my word."

She slid over and rested her head on his chest. "David-DiNozzo," Ziva corrected sleepily. "Ani ohevet otcha."

His arms settled carefully around her. "Goodnight babe, I love you too." Tony closed his eyes contentedly, convinced for the first time in days that it would be a peaceful sleep. They both deserved the break.

_Replies:_

_Sarah - you're welcome :) Thanks. Well, the angst will hopefully be leveling off a bit after the next chapter, but they've still got a long way to go. Realistic is definitely my aim, I just hope it doesn't get tiresome. M&C seem to be getting a fan club, which is nice :) I look forward to writing them into the story a bit more. T definitely needs his own support system and even tho Z's is going back to Israel in the near future, at least there's phone calls and skype sessions to keep them connected. Well, the elephant won't be banished completely, but certainly diminished in size. Thanks for reviewing :)_


	13. Chapter 13

Thursday morning Tony woke up with a mission in mind, something he'd wanted to do for Ziva since Michael died. He rolled over and kissed his wife, now sleeping on her side of the bed, whispering when she stirred that he had an errand to run and she should stay where she was. Ziva nodded sleepily and drifted off again while Tony watched. He dressed quietly, then went to search the office for the object of his quest. A cold, leftover pancake and glass of juice served as his breakfast and Tony headed for the photography shop downtown, wanting to give back to Ziva a piece of her childhood that had been lost.

He returned just over an hour later and found Nettie getting out ingredients for french toast. Kissing her cheek, he went and set up his present on Ziva's nightstand, then came back to help. Tony caught her just before she sprinkled cinnamon into the egg mixture. "Can you make me a couple without Doda?"

She tilted her head. "You do not like cinnamon?" If so, that would be something important for her to remember.

"I just prefer mine plain."

"Very well." Nettie soaked two pieces of bread and lay them in the frying pan, the egg immediately sizzling on the hot metal. Tony set the table and poured juice for everyone, also making a pot of tea for Ziva and Nettie to share and coffee for himself.

Nettie had just finished distributing the toast when Ziva came out, still in pyjamas, wet trails of tears visible on her cheeks. She stopped in front of Tony. "Why did you do that?"

He searched her eyes, trying to determine if his actions had been a mistake. Tony brushed the tear tracks away. "Because your original photo got blown up. And this one has all your siblings. I want you to have the good memories Zi."

She reached up to touch his cheek and stood on tiptoes so she could press her lips to his. Tony responded instantly, wrapping his arms around her back and leaning in to the kiss, eager to take advantage of her willingness. Ziva pulled away, a faint blush staining her tanned skin. "Thank you," she said softly. "And good morning." When his eyebrows rose she smiled. "That is also on my list."

Tony grinned. "That's the best news I've heard all day." A throat cleared behind them and he turned, still keeping his arm at her waist. "And now, without further ado, may I present our breakfast."

Ziva kissed Nettie's cheek in greeting and sat down while Tony retrieved syrup and ketchup from the fridge. When he sat down, both women stared at him in disbelief as he squeezed a puddle of the red sauce onto his plate and cut into the french toast. After the first bite he looked up. "What?"

Nettie blinked. "I have never seen anyone eat it with ketchup before."

Tony glanced at his wife. "Zi has."

She shook her head. "I must have forgotten. We do not often make this for breakfast."

He shrugged. "I've always had ketchup with french toast. That's the way my dad ate it, so that's how I ate it." He chuckled. "Mom thought we were nuts. But I also can't imagine eating it with syrup." Tony made a face. "Now that's just weird."

The girls laughed at him and breakfast progressed smoothly from there. Instead of getting dressed after they finished, Ziva stayed in pyjamas and Tony broke out a deck of cards. They started with Go Fish, moved on to Crazy Eights, and eventually War. Nettie left them to have their fun and went for a shower. When she came out, Ziva triumphantly laid the card that declared her the winner and Tony gave up, tossing the rest of his cards in the air before they broke into laughter. Nettie leaned against the doorframe and just watched, thankful and happy to see her niece and nephew finally at peace with themselves and one another. Then Tony bent his head to kiss Ziva and her hands tentatively came up to frame his face, making the old woman smile. It was so good to finally see their love shining through brighter than all the hurt.

More than a few minutes passed before Nettie closed the door loud enough to get their attention. The couple broke apart and she went over, putting her hand on Tony's shoulder. "Anthony, may I borrow your wife for a little while? It is a lovely day outside and I believe the garden would benefit from our attention."

He appreciated her asking, obviously taking his yesterday confession seriously. "I'll make you a deal," Tony decided. "I'll water and you ladies can take care of the weeds and flowers." He looked at Ziva. "Then there's something I should do."

Her brow furrowed, then smoothed as she discerned the reason behind his serious tone. Ziva shook her head. "That we should do together ahava, when we both say goodbye to the past."

Tony brushed his lips over her knuckles. "Okay." He began picking up the cards and Ziva went to change into more appropriate apparel for yard work. Nettie followed her.

"What was it he did for you this morning?" she asked, her curiosity piqued.

Ziva reached for the frame on her nightstand and showed it to her aunt. Four children sat in the grass of the olive grove - Tali on Ziva's lap, Michael and Ari flanking them on either side like the protective big brothers they were. All smiling, all content, a peace in their eyes that belied the war they were growing up in the middle of. Nettie blinked back tears as she traced each familiar face and Ziva swallowed. "He gave my family back Doda. Now I will never forget."

Nettie set the picture aside and folded the young woman into an embrace. "He is a good man Zivi. You chose wisely for your beshert."

"Beshert," Ziva repeated the word slowly. "Yes, thank you Doda. I have not thought of that in years. I will have to tell Tony how special that is someday."

"See that you do," she encouraged the young woman. "He deserves to know."

Ziva glanced up to see her husband near the couch. "Perhaps we were always meant to be."

"I think Someone knew how much you would need each other," Nettie agreed, leaving so Ziva could change. Thank goodness they'd figured that out before it was too late.

**NCIS**

The day flew past and before they knew it suppertime had arrived and Nettie shooed them out of the kitchen so she could make preparations. Tony took Ziva's hand and smiled. "Come for a walk with me babe?" She nodded and they kept up a steady pace down the treelined street. "We should do this more often," he said a few minutes later. At her querying look, Tony explained. "Get out and do stuff. Go for walks, start building your strength back up. I want to see you healthy again honey."

She looked down at herself and made a face. "I have never been so useless before."

Tony tugged her over to a bench to sit. "I hope that means you've never been hurt this badly before either."

Ziva's gaze drifted over the scenery and she shrugged. "This is not the first time I have known what it means to be starving, though it is the longest. Nor the first time my body has been broken for a mission."

He tried to catch her eyes. "Something Nettie said last week has been bugging me."

She smiled slightly. "Yes, she has that affect on people."

Tony wasn't about to let her off that easily. "Nettie made the comment that when you'd been hurt for Mossad before it was different, because you allowed it." He blew out a breath. "What kind of hurt was she talking about?"

Ziva closed her eyes. "Oh Tony...I wish you had not asked me that."

"I feel like I need to know. Three years of marriage Zi and you've really only given me glimpses of your life before NCIS."

"So much of it is not worth telling," she argued, still stubbornly avoiding his gaze.

"And the rest?" Tony dared to push.

Her shoulders sagged. "You will wish you did not know." Before he could say anything Ziva continued. "Do you remember the case with the Chinese girls?"

This was the explanation he'd dreaded. "The sex trade one? Yeah."

Her eyes flickered to him briefly. "I knew about it because I have been inside that world. For several weeks on one of my first missions I was one of those girls." His grip on her hand tightened and she felt more than heard the sharp intake of breath. "More than once I have been captured on purpose to get the information we needed. I have often played a girlfriend or posed as a call girl to get on the inside. Sometimes..." Ziva struggled with the truth, "...sometimes I have had no choice but to go all the way."

Tony couldn't stand the shame in her voice and turned her to face him. "You had orders, we both understand those. It doesn't make me look at you any differently sweetheart. I will always love you no matter how ugly the truths you tell. But I am sorry that the last fifteen years have used you so badly."

Slowly Ziva leaned into him. "So am I," she admitted softly. "I wish there was no darkness or baggage or shadows. I wish we could always have sunshine and smooth roads."

He dropped a kiss on her hair. "Yeah babe, me too. You married a guy with a lot of issues. I wish you didn't have to remember me as the playboy and heartbreaker, or deal with my insecurities and abandonment issues. I wish I could be strong all the time and always be what you need. There's too many times I've failed as your husband."

Ziva's hand came up to rest over his heart. "But all I will remember is that you saved me Tony, that you love me. That alone covers over so many mistakes."

Tony held her a bit closer. "We're just one big mess, huh?"

A smile touched her lips. "Maybe. But we can be a mess together, yes?"

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Always together babe. I can't live without you and there's no better place to be."

"Nor I you," she whispered, nestling her head into his neck.

They stayed there until the sky started to change colours, then finally headed home. Sometimes the truth hurt, but all mattered in the end was Tony and Ziva, husband and wife, side by side. There was nothing else they needed but time.

**NCIS**

Friday morning, after an experiment with crepes has been thoroughly approved of and devoured for breakfast, Nettie sat down across from Tony and Ziva at the table, looking from one to the other. "I am leaving children, tomorrow. The flight is already booked."

Tony's eyes widened and Ziva's brow furrowed. "But why Doda? You have not stayed longer than you are welcome."

"We're happy to have you, really," Tony tried to reassure her.

Nettie reached over to clasp their hands. "I know that. And for your love and welcome I am grateful. I am so glad I could come and spent this time with you, but the days before you return to work are almost over and what time remains should be spent alone together, remembering what that is like." She brushed Ziva's hair back. "You have found each other again motek, and the things keeping you apart are slowly diminishing with each day that passes. I believe you can find your way from here."

Tony squeezed her hand. "We can't thank you enough for coming Doda. You were...exactly who we needed."

Ziva blinked back tears. "Etga'a'ga'at lach." _I will miss you._

Nettie's heart melted. "And I you little one, but you are always in my heart, both of you." She stood to kiss their cheeks and put on a bright smile. "Now, let us have no more sadness. What can we do today?"

Tony swallowed. "I think another trip to a museum or gallery is in order. You both know I could use a little extra culture in my life. Then maybe a show of some sort. Remember that dinner theater place we went for our first anniversary Zi?" Her mind traveled back in time to finally being free of Tony's undercover assignment and spending every moment not at the office cherishing the ability to enjoy their marriage with no dark clouds looming overhead. She must've been quiet for awhile because Tony nudged her hand. "Zi?"

She shook herself and sat up straight. "Yes," Ziva replied softly. "I remember."

Her tone caught him and when Tony's green gaze locked on hers, they fell into each other's eyes, lost in the intimacy of their nearly forgotten silent conversations. The light in her husband's eyes told Ziva he remembered that night too. Not just going out, but also taking a walk in the park and their private celebration at home later. She blushed under the heat of his gaze and the suggestiveness it conveyed. No, they could not go there yet, not with Somalia still so close. And yet even the brutality of the camp could not stop Ziva from recalling their time together. And the desire that trickled through her veins surprised her, because she hadn't been sure she would ever feel it again.

The intensity in Tony's expression was enough to take her breath away and images assailed her from every corner. Warm bodies melting together, his eager hands sliding over every inch of her skin, the passion with which she'd returned his enthusiastic kisses and caresses. Ziva read in his darkening eyes that Tony also had no difficulty remembering the way she'd arched against him, or felt beneath the weight of his body, what it had been like to touch her in ways no one else had been allowed, and the indescribable joy of their shared union. Her heart pounded so furiously in her chest that Ziva was sure he could hear it, and she'd all but forgotten they weren't alone in the room until Nettie made a noise in her throat.

Tony and Ziva both jumped at the sound, breaking the intense eye contact and turning guilty gazes towards her. "You will forgive me for saying so, but those looks were far more appropriate for the bedroom than the kitchen table." Ziva ducked her head and the old woman hid a smile. "Would you like me to leave you alone?"

"No!" the couple hastened to say, just a little too anxious to keep her there. The moment they'd shared required time to process, because the images and memories swirling in both their heads were so vivid right now that even the smallest spark might kindle a fire neither was prepared to deal with yet. In a couple months maybe, when things had settled back into a familiar routine, but three weeks was still far too soon.

Nettie chuckled. "Well, as long as that's settled. Let's get ready to go, shall we?"

Recognizing the folly of being left together, Ziva called the shower first. Watching her go with a longing in his eyes that made Nettie's heart ache for how far they had yet to travel, Tony muttered something about the car and went outside. Her niece spent so long in the bathroom that Nettie nearly accused her of stalling so she could avoid her husband, until the door opened and found Ziva in tears because the reflection in the mirror did not look anything like the woman she yearned for Tony to see.

Tut-tutting, Nettie joined her and made the young woman sit in a chair, reaching for the blowdryer and curling iron and declaring that she knew just what to do. The result nearly half an hour later was soft, loose curls that fell gently around Ziva's shoulders and nicely framed her face. Over her niece's protests that it would do no good, Nettie dug through the small collection of make up in a black bag tucked away at the back of a drawer and pulled out what she needed. Opening a new tube of mascara, she applied a few swipes to Ziva's long lashes, careful not to get too close to her eyes. Next came a lovely bronze eyeshadow and a dusting of blush for her cheeks. She examined the lipstick tubes carefully and chose the most used one, assuming it to be a favourite.

Without letting Ziva get a look at her work, Nettie spritzed the young woman with a softly scented perfume and steered her into the bedroom. Basing her decisions on her niece's persistent state of cold, Nettie instructed her to put on a pair of charcoal grey corduroy pants, then a tank top under a lovely green cashmere sweater with a high neck. A wide, artfully placed belt added decoration while also disguising Ziva's weight loss, and with hoop earrings and a long gold chain with a large circular pendant, the look was complete. Then, finally, Nettie led her to the mirror. Ziva gasped in surprise at the polished, even attractive woman staring back at her. She twisted and turned this way and that, trying to take in the full effect and make sure it was really her.

Finally she shook her head in disbelief. "You have managed a miracle Doda."

Nettie gazed at her niece affectionately. "It was not hard when I had so much to work with."

Ziva fell into her aunt's careful embrace and whispered, "Thank you."

The older woman pulled back. "No crying," she cautioned with mock sternness, "I want your husband to see my handiwork first."

Her lips curved up and Ziva peeked out the door, looking around. "Where is Tony?"

The front door opened just then and he turned in the direction of her voice. "Did I hear my name?" The next second his jaw dropped and he walked slowly towards his wife. "Ziva, you look amazing." He took her hands and slowly twirled her around, afraid the vision he saw was somehow not real. "Wow."

The delight in Ziva's expression made all Nettie's efforts worth it. "Do you think so?"

Tony made a show of appraising her appearance from her thick, dark socks to the last brown curl. He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Absolutely. And it's a good thing we're going out, because you are far too beautiful to stay inside." Tony winked. "I can't wait to show you off."

Ziva looked away. "It was Aunt Nettie who made it happen."

He bent to hug the old woman. "Thank you for making her believe in herself again." The quiet words were acknowledged with a simple nod and Tony got his clothes, then went to get ready.

It was lunchtime before they were all deemed fit to go out on the town and Nettie made toast, Israeli style (which was more along the lines of a grilled cheese sandwich than something one ate for breakfast), for a quick meal before they left. Ziva and Tony got tuna and hardboiled eggs, while Nettie put feta and olives on hers. Finally they were ready to go and all piled into the car, Ziva up front with Tony this time and Nettie in the back. Tony made sure to hold his wife's hand, wanting to ensure their powerful moment from earlier didn't drive a wedge between them.

He drove them to a small gallery and spent a peaceful couple of hours following them around and watching their enjoyment of the history and culture in every room. After that, Tony, Ziva, and Nettie went to look at a few of the monuments together and Tony told stories of when he first arrived in DC. Nettie shared tales of her earlier life, and Ziva remembered summers spent in Haifa and also with her Dod Asher and Doda Chana and the horses she and Tali loved.

They arrived early for the dinner theater and got good seats, spending time before the performance chatting and perusing the set menu. The food was delicious and the show kept them in stitches, though a few of the jokes had to be explained to the Israelis in the group. It frustrated Tony to see Ziva push parts of her meal around on the plate when she thought they weren't looking, and to know it could be weeks yet before her eating was anywhere close to normal. Still, he didn't want to ruin their last evening together and kept quiet, amiably escorting the ladies outside once it was over and offering his arms.

"Let's take one last walk together, hmm?"

So under a dark blanket dotted with twinkling pinpricks of light, the three family members wandered down a quiet street and soaked in what it felt like to be together. Eventually though they returned home and Nettie hugged them both. "Thank you for a lovely evening my dears. It is good to have happy memories of my time here." She left to get ready for bed and Tony and Ziva glanced at each other before moving to their room.

Ziva was taking out her earrings when Tony came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, brushing aside thick brown hair to press a kiss to her neck. "Do we need to talk about what happened this morning?"

She slowly removed the rest of her jewellery and faced him. "I don't know."

He cupped her cheek. "But you remembered something good, about us being together...that way, right?"

Ziva swallowed and had a hard time meeting his gaze. "It is not that I do not...remember, but there are..." she closed her eyes, "...horrible things now which overshadow any of the good ones. And every time I think of us together, that dredges up everything I am also trying to forget."

Tony sighed. "I'm sorry they ruined that for you Ziva. Sex is supposed to be this incredibly special act between husband and wife, something that expresses love and is proof of a deep bond formed between hearts and souls when two become one." He turned her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Some things were easier to say when he didn't have to read the thoughts on her face. "I love you Ziva, and I miss you so much sometimes. But I promise when you're ready it won't just be sex, but making love, like it always was with us. I want, I need to show you that no matter what they did, it can still be good."

She trembled in his hold. "Tony, please don't," Ziva whispered. "Please. I cannot...I can barely think of tomorrow and the next day and going back to NCIS. Do not ask me for this too, not yet. Please," she begged, on the verge of tears.

Hope deflated in Tony's heart like a balloon, but he moved to hug her properly and Ziva clung to him, hating this part, when she could not get past the camp and it ruined another moment between them. Unwilling to let her retreat because of jagged honesty that unfortunately left them both feeling wounded, Tony spooned Ziva when they got into bed, rubbing her arm soothingly when she tensed. "No pressure honey," he murmured. "I'll just never be able to hold you enough after thinking I'd never get to again."

She made herself relax after that and the couple fell asleep slowly. But that didn't stop a nightmare from tearing into Ziva's night a few hours later, and she was out of bed, cowering in the corner, before Tony was even fully awake. He blinked and squinted at the dark room. "Ziva?" She cringed and a whimper escaped.

The sound scraped Tony's nerves raw and he flicked on the lamp. Ziva was crouched close to the wall, eyes tightly shut and hands over her ears. He got up slowly and moved within reach. As soon as he touched her shoulder Ziva lashed out, fighting like a caged animal, the wild unfocused look in her eyes telling him she was still trapped in a dream world that at this moment was very real. Quickly countering her moves, he pinned her arms to her sides and sank to the floor, sheltering her with his body.

Ziva struggled against him, desperation clear in her movements and Tony shook her. "Ziva, wake up! It's me. Come on baby, don't do this. Wake up!"

Just as quickly as it had gripped her, the dream disappeared, leaving her panting and shaking, not fighting against her tormenters but locked firmly in her husband's arms. "Let go!" she ordered sharply, scrambling for distance a few feet away. They sat facing each other on the floor and Ziva scraped trembling fingers through her disheveled hair. Unable to bear his concern, she pulled her knees up and rested her head in her hands.

After several minutes Tony ventured over to where she sat, Moses in hand for a peace offering. Ziva took her old bear and rubbed his soft fur over and over. Eventually she sighed. "I hate this."

He nodded. "I know. Me too."

She chanced a quick glance at him. "The nightmares are bad enough, but now knowing when they will strike is worse."

Tony dared to reach over and fold his fingers around hers. They shifted until their backs rested on the bedframe and he twisted her rings around. "Can I do anything?"

Ziva slouched down and rested her head on his shoulder. "Sing to me Tony. I am so tired of the darkness." So he did. Long into the night Tony serenaded his wife with every slow song he could think of, and when her body finally went limp with sleep, he lifted her back into bed and lay down close beside, hoping against hope that the next few hours would somehow be peaceful. He didn't know how much more of this they could take.

_Replies:_

_Emma - I know, finally right? Thank you, that's really nice to hear. Since I'm shooting for realistic, I'm always glad to know that's coming across. The progress has been slow but I think they're over one of the main hurdles now. Lots more to come of course, but they're doing okay. Mark and the guys will show up in Ch 14. His wife Cassie not until the first week of Part 4 (but I don't know which chapter yet), and the kids at some point after that. I hadn't thought about the kids being good for Z but you're probably right. I like that idea. Thanks for reviewing! :)_

_Sarah - Hi :) You're welcome. I'm glad you think so. I guess maybe that's what I'm feeling have to write this part, emotionally drained. It's just as hard for me to write as it is for you guys to read. I hope their healing is worth this mess... Yeah, brutal honesty. Not one of their strong suits and it may not happen again for awhile, but at least they're trying. Glad you liked the mountain part. lol...T's got some pretty good analogies in this story. I wanted to set T straight about Israel, but you can imagine with the impression that has been left by a few that it'll take awhile for his attitude against the whole country to change. I'm hoping Z can show him a different perspective, little by little. haha...I'm having a lot of fun with the Hebrew. I've collected so many words and phrases between MIT and RofS that I've had to create my own mini Hebrew dictionary for a reference to use when I want them to use it. Glad you're enjoying. Thanks so much for reviewing Sarah! :)_


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Hello everyone! So this is our longest chapter yet and also the last for this part of the story. I will be posting a very short (600 words) epilogue on Thurs depicting the Eli/Nettie confrontation so many wanted to see. Then I'm off for a couple weeks, but I hope to be back somewhere in the second week of July, sooner if inspiration and time allow me to make a good start on Part 4. Thank you so much for the amazing support and following this story has received. I treasure every review and I'm so glad that you guys enjoy my writing. It's a privilege to share my stories with you. Thank you :) Love, ~Aliyah_

In honour of Nettie's last day with them, Tony made waffles, declaring that it was his turn to spoil them. And if Nettie noticed that the circles under her niece's eyes were more pronounced than usual, she was discrete enough not to mention it. When the meal concluded, Nettie looked at both of them. "That was lovely, thank you Anthony." She took a sip of tea. "I am planning to go to Temple this morning. Would either of you like to join me?"

Again, it spoke hugely to Tony that Nettie was trying hard to make up for her previous error in this situation and he leaned back with a smile. "I will if Ziva will."

The shadows still lay heavy behind her chocolate irises, but Ziva managed a small smile. "Yes. It will be nice to all go together."

That decided, there was a mad rush to get ready and leave on time. Doing his best to show regard for a religion he didn't completely understand, Tony wore his best black suit and watched Ziva dress in a long skirt, long sleeved blouse, and add a scarf to cover her hair. They joined Nettie and Ziva gave directions to the synagogue. At the steps to the front doors Tony hesitated, so she smiled and held out her hand.

"Do not worry Tony, they do not bite."

He laced his fingers with hers and tried not to look as uneasy as he felt. Stopping at the entrance to the sanctuary, he took a kippah to wear as a sign of respect and Ziva helped him position it. All three sat together in one of the last rows, and in hushed whispers Nettie pointed out different features and explained to Tony their significance. The service began several minutes later and though he had trouble following some of the prayers that were mumbled rather than annunciated clearly, he appreciated that the siddur was in Hebrew and English, for people like him.

Tony spent most of the time watching Ziva's expression as she listened to the Torah portion and recited Hebrew prayers. It was clear that something in her connected with the ceremony and tradition, and if coming to Temple could give her even a little bit of peace, he was glad to do it. When the service was over they returned home in a somber mood, knowing that time was running short. Nettie dished out the cholent that had been left cooking overnight, afterward taking over the kitchen one last time to make kichlach, cookie often sent in care packages to soldiers. Her niece had frequently been one of them.

While they cooked, Ziva joined Nettie in the spare room to help her pack. As the young woman carefully folded items of clothing, Nettie turned and held out a wrapped box. "This is your going away present."

Her brow furrowed. "I am not going anywhere."

"No," Nettie agreed, "but I am and I wanted to leave you with this. Open it."

Ziva pulled back the paper and ran her fingers over the lid. She looked up with a smile. "Krembos. Thank you Doda." Lifting the lid, she picked out one foil wrapped delicacy. "Would you like one?"

She took the marshmallow creme topped biscuit covered by a thin layer of chocolate and unwrapped it, starting at the bottom to eat it. Ziva opened hers, beginning at the top with the creme. "Mmm." Both ladies made the sound of enjoyment at the same time and laughed, wiping chocolate and creme from their lips.

"They are very good," Ziva commented, "just like I remember from when I was young."

"I have always thought it a shame they are available for only one season each year. I never get tired of them."

"Tony will love these," Ziva predicted, then she fell silent, studying her nails. "What will you say to...my father when you return?"

"I suppose I will give him a very large piece of my mind and then inform him I am no longer speaking to him." She saw the shadow in Ziva's eyes. "Do not worry motek, your secret is safe with me."

The young woman sighed. "I know. It is just..."

"Just what, little bird?" Nettie asked.

Ziva shrugged. "That part of me will always wish he cared." She stood abruptly with the box cradled in her arms. "I should...let you get your things together."

Nettie watched after her niece, a heaviness in her heart. "I know my love. You are not the only one with that wish. Though I fear my brother may have to lose much more before he sees the error of his ways."

**NCIS**

Tony found his wife sitting on the back porch steps, staring out into the blue sky but seeing nothing. "Hey," he said softly, "what's up?"

She turned with a fake smile and handed him a foil wrapped something. "This is for you. It is a Krembo, a favourite treat in Israel."

He set it aside and took her hand instead. "I'm more interested in the look on your face." Tony laced their fingers together. "Wanna tell me?"

Ziva sighed. "It is hard to get over a betrayal by someone who is supposed to love you. My father...I do not think he knows what that word means."

Right away he encompassed her in his arms. "I'm sorry baby, he's been a terrible example. I'm sorry it hurts. What can I do?"

She trailed her fingers down his shirt, amazed still that his first thought was always for her and how to help. "This. I like this."

Tony grinned. "I'm glad to hear it." They sat quietly for several minutes and then he came up with an idea. "Can you teach me to make something?"

Ziva's eyebrows arched. "What kind of something?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Something from Israel. It's Nettie's last meal with us and our turn to treat her."

A smile slowly spread over her lips. "Okay." She stared at her husband a moment and leaned in to kiss him softly. "I love you."

If Tony had a top ten list of things he loved to hear his wife say, that would be number one. He helped her to her feet and he and Ziva walked inside. Paging slowly through the book where she kept all her recipes, Ziva found the one she was looking for and held it up. "I think this qualifies as comfort food."

Tony took it and his eyebrows drew together. "Koo-gel?"

She nodded. "Very close. This is Loshen Kugel. It is noddle pudding, a bit of both dessert and supper."

"Okay." He scanned the recipe. "So, where do we start?"

Ziva stood beside him, patiently explaining the process. At one point though he messed something up and she muttered, "Kacha lo bonim homa." _That's not the way to do it. Lit. You don't build a wall like that._

Tony frowned at her. "What do walls have to do with anything?"

Nettie came out of the spare room just in time to hear his comment and her laughter rang out. "It is a saying achyan. I think what Ziva may be trying to tell you is that...you need a little practice."

Frustrated, he dropped the wooden spoon in the bowl. "That's why I'm doing this! To get practice."

Ziva rubbed his back. "I am sorry Tony, I should not have made fun."

He sighed and leaned down to kiss her. "That's your punishment."

She looked away. "Hardly," she said under her breath, causing them all to smile.

Eventually the kugel was cooking in the oven and Tony and Ziva began scouring the house to make sure Nettie had not left any of her things laying around. They congregated in the spare room and Tony held out a small rectangle box. "This is for you Doda. But," he hesitated and glanced at Ziva, "there's a catch."

Nettie accepted the box and cracked it open to reveal a lovely silver locket on a delicate chain, with a vine and leave design covering both front and back. "Oh Anthony." She pulled the necklace out and found the little latch that let her look inside. A picture of Tony and Ziva on their wedding day sat in one half, a snapshot of the couple taken only days before the events leading up to their separation in the other. "It is beautiful," she whispered. "Toda."

He shrugged. "You're welcome."

Ziva touched his arm, as surprised as her aunt by the gift. "When did you do that?" And why hadn't he told her?

Tony looked at Nettie and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Well...I actually ordered it in the summer, after you left. I made arrangements to have it shipped to you if I didn't pick it up by the end of September." He gave her a half-grin. "Maybe some part of me hoped I'd be coming back." Tony cleared his throat. "Originally it was just the wedding picture and one of Ziva, so you could keep her close to your heart. But now that we're all back where we belong I decided to change it."

Nettie reached up and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. "I will treasure it always motek. What a wonderful gift."

He tapped the locket. "The only thing is, you can't show anyone until we share the secret. Not your friends in Israel, or any partners for cards or mah-jong, and especially not your brother. I want Ziva safely under the protection of American citizenship before we let it slip to him what we've pulled off."

She rested her palm on his chest. "I understand. You can trust me."

Tony squeezed her hand. "I know."

After Ziva helped her clasp the chain around her neck, Tony carried Nettie's bags to the car and they ate a quick supper before driving to the airport. Tony held Ziva's hand extra tight as they navigated the crowds and escorted Nettie as far as they were allowed. Tony wrapped his arms around the older woman and whispered another of the thousand thank yous he owed her before saying goodbye. Ziva wiped at tears falling without her permission and hugged her aunt. "Please do not stay away forever."

Nettie touched Ziva's cheek. "I won't. We will see each other again my Zivaleh. And I am only a phone call away whenever you need me. Anytime," she promised.

Ziva nodded and stepped back into her husband, who slid his arm behind her back and kept her close. "Shalom."

"Shalom dear ones. Ani ohevet etchem." _I love you both._

Tony swallowed. "Us too. Always. Safe trip Doda."

"Do not forget to cherish each other," she told them seriously. "There is no greater champion than the one who loves you with everything they are. You need to be on each other's sides. Hold on," was her last piece of advice, and Tony planned to do exactly that.

**NCIS**

The couple was quiet driving home and when they walked inside, the silence felt oppressive. Tony and Ziva were alone for the first time in what seemed like forever, and neither was quiet sure what to do about it. "Movie?" he asked after awhile of them just standing in the entry. Ziva nodded and Tony put on something light, then sat down and held out his hand for her to join him. She did, getting comfortably curled up in the corner.

Partway through the film Tony pulled Ziva's legs over to rest across his lap. She looked at him but did nothing else and time continued on. Several minutes passed before he began rubbing his hand slowly up and down her leg, from knee to ankle. It felt nice, so Ziva merely relaxed further into the cushions and let him. It wasn't until his fingers crept past her knee and traveled up her thigh that she sat up a bit and paused the movie, putting her hand on his to stop the motion.

"Just because we no longer have a chaperone does not mean-"

Tony sighed. "I just want you to get used to my touch again Zi, to my hands on your body. I want you to know deep down in your soul that no matter how much I want you, I won't hurt you for my pleasure."

Ziva lightly caressed his wedding ring. "I do know that Tony."

He shook his head. "But you don't always act like it. And I...hate scaring you."

"It is not so much that you scare me, but that you are the one who is there when I am already scared," she tried to explain. "So it is you who gets the reaction I am fighting."

"Same difference," Tony argued, then shrugged. "Mark said pretty much the same thing."

"You have wise friends," Ziva commented.

"Speaking of my friends," Tony put in, "what would you think of spending some time with them soon? Or with the girls, if we go play basketball?"

The length of time she contemplated his question disappointed Tony, but finally Ziva looked up. "I would like to be with you the first couple times. I am not good at...being alone."

He played with her fingers. "No worries there. I don't particularly want you out of my sight for awhile. Is that a yes?"

She nodded. "Yes. I need...to be out. I would like to make friends with the people who are important to you."

Tony captured her lips, but instead of the brief kiss he intended, they drew it out, finding comfort in the simple act. When he finally released her, Tony brushed his thumb over her cheek. "I was thinking that maybe you'd like a massage. You've been so tense for so long it would probably feel really good. What do you say?"

Ziva swallowed. "I am not sure. I don't know if it is a good idea."

He chewed on the inside of his lip. "Can we try?"

She mulled the idea over and finally nodded. "I guess so. But only my back."

Understanding what she was getting at, Tony agreed and stood up, bringing her with him. He led his wife to their bedroom and they both changed into pyjamas. Ziva only put on the silky bottoms and left the top near her pillow. She waited by the bed, her eyes darting this way and that, and Tony offered a smile. "Lay down honey, it's okay."

She did, but there was reluctance in her movements and he began to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. When he sat down, Ziva turned to look at him. "Just from beside me, alright?"

Tony knew she was thinking of a typical massage, when he'd straddle her body and work directly overtop of her back. He leaned down to kiss her shoulder. "You got it." His fingers trailed from her neck down her spine, stopping at the band of her bra. "Any chance-?"

He didn't even finish before she answered. "No." Then, "Not yet. I am sorry."

"Small steps Zi," Tony reminded her, getting back to the task at hand. He studied her back - many of the marks all but faded three weeks after her rescue, only a few were left that still looked sore, and no bruises at all. He traced each muscle gently and put his hands at the base of her neck. "You're going to have to tell me if this hurts babe, I have no way to measure your level of discomfort when everything is still healing."

She nodded once and Tony started small, rubbing his fingers up and down the thin column of her neck. Then onto her shoulders, pressing enough to work on the tight muscles but hopefully not so hard as to cause pain. Ziva seemed fine until he moved to the middle of her back, then her breathing became laboured and her whole body went rigid, a huge red flag that something was wrong.

"Zi? Ziva? Hey, what's going on?" Tony asked, but trapped in a moment from the past that seemed to be happening all over again, she could no longer hear him.

_Ziva lay face down on the dirt floor where she'd sprawled when one of the men hit her hard enough to knock her off the chair. Now a heavy boot was pressed into her back, her lungs constricted, the only oxygen she could draw in little puffs of dusty air that made her cough and choke as she struggled under the weight. He didn't let up until the force became too great and Ziva felt her ribs crack. He'd broken three that day, but it was weeks before the beatings eased off enough to even begin to let them heal._

_Something fuzzy brushed against her hand and Ziva hoped it wasn't a rat. When it didn't move, she curled her fingers around it experimentally and found something soft and squishy, but not warm and therefore not alive. She blinked several times, trying to clear her vision, so often marred by swollen eyes and blood and sweat, and frowned in surprise at her childhood toy. Moses? In the desert?_ _Ziva looked around, surprised she had the mobility to do so when she should've passed out from the lack of oxygen by now. _Slowly the cell bled away, leaving her staring at her own bedroom and the face of her anxious husband.

He saw her eyes focus and dredged up the courage to touch her hair gently. "Zi?"

She groaned and curled into a ball, carefully bracing a hand against her ribs only to discover they didn't hurt. Then it all came back to her - the unease she felt when Tony began to knead a bit harder on her back, her fear at being held down by the pressure and to an extent trapped by his weight and presence, and suddenly she'd been back at the camp. Ziva held Moses tightly and cried, because she didn't want to go back and she didn't want to remember and most of all she didn't want it to still be so real and close.

Tony, kneeling by the bed, felt absolutely helpless. He ran his hand down her hair over and over and kissed away any tears he could reach. The storm didn't last long, because coping meant that even a bad moment wasn't allowed to win or have power over her, and Ziva mopped her face with the kleenex Tony offered. Finally she took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

He stared at her. "Yeah, right."

She sighed. "It was just a memory."

Tony wasn't buying it. "No way Zi, that was something else. You couldn't hear me, you wouldn't respond, I couldn't get you out of it."

Ziva nestled her head on her pillow and slid her hand over to his. "Ducky called them flashbacks. Sudden, involuntary memories that feel real. Remember when you slammed the door?" He nodded and she shrugged one shoulder. "It was like that - one second I was here, the next I was in Somalia, another interrogation that ended with an injury."

"Your ribs," he guessed, not particularly wanting to imagine the different ways they tried to break her.

"Yes. But then you gave me Moses and he did not belong to the memory, so I was back."

Tony wound a curl around his finger. "Can I kiss you?" She smiled and moved her hand to his cheek. He leaned in until their lips met, holding it for as long as he could before breathing became necessary again. Pulling back, he rested his forehead on hers. "I'm sorry."

Ziva's breath fanned over his skin. "As am I. I think, for now, we should probably not try that again."

"Good idea." Seeing the goosebumps on her arms, Tony lifted one eyebrow. "Ready for your shirt now?"

She looked down at herself and chuckled. "Yes." Setting aside the bear, she pulled the long sleeved top over her head and then wriggled around to get under the covers. Tony soon joined her, offering his arms to curl up in, but Ziva had different ideas and lay with her back to him, glancing over her shoulder to invite him closer. Tony grinned and complied, molding his body to hers, grateful she could have him in that position after what had just happened. Their whispered I love yous drifted through the air and collided with the sleep tugging at their eyelids, and after that it was only sweet dreams.

**NCIS**

The final day of Tony and Ziva's leave time began with the two of them sleeping late. How late they weren't aware until the phone rang. Truly tempted to ignore the incessant noise in favour of snuggling with his wife, Tony eventually rolled over to grope for it on the nightstand, too well trained to let the machine get it. He cleared his throat and answered without opening his eyes. "H'lo?"

Mark chuckled. "This is Dr. Reece calling for your bi-weekly check-in, but it sounds like I caught you trying to relive your college dorm days of sleeping 'til noon."

Tony squinted at the clock. "Is that what time is it?"

"Yes," his friend confirmed.

He groaned and lay back down. "Well, that's what days off are for."

"Depending on the person," Mark commented. "But regardless I'm here to announce, by unanimous agreement, the official start of the Pi Kappa Alpha Sunday basketball league, as often as schedules allow."

Tony tried to chuckle but it sounded somewhere between a groan and a cough. "Wow, blast from the past. Been a long time since we were Pikes."

"Who are you kidding?" Mark wanted to know. "We never actually stopped."

"Yeah, I guess." Tony stifled a yawn. "When are you meeting?"

Mark checked his watch. "Well, Adrian has no patience, so he'd say now. Brent was out for a run with Cody, they need a bit of time to regroup. I'm having to tear Jordan away from Allie - she's not feeling well and he's playing nursemaid."

"Kinda heartless, aren't you?" Tony joked.

Mark chuckled. "Well, when I talked to Allie I got the impression that her beloved fiancé is hovering and if I kept him out for a couple hours so she could get some rest, I'd be doing her a favour."

Typical," Tony observed. "We never really like to be away from our girls when something's wrong."

"Speaking of girls," the other man ventured, "will you be okay leaving Ziva with her aunt again?"

He sighed. "Nettie went back to Israel last night, our leave time's up tomorrow. And my lovely wife is pretending she's not eavesdropping, so I'll see what she thinks. But you didn't finish your list."

"Oh yeah." Mark thought for a minute. "Darien's fine to go along with what the rest of us are doing, so if you're coming, you need to pick the time. And by if, I mean you will show up at the park if you don't want me pounding on your door in thirty minutes."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Thank you Mr. Mom." He looked down at Ziva and decided. "I'll be there, but give us an hour or so before you send out the search party."

"Fair enough," Mark noted. "I'm timing you Big D, get a move on."

"Bye." Tony hung up and rolled back over to wrap himself around Ziva, wishing she still didn't feel so fragile in his arms. He kissed her neck and she squirmed. "Morning babe. How much of that did you hear?"

"Mmm." She snuggled a bit closer. "Enough to know that we now have plans."

He sat up a bit. "We, huh?"

Ziva finally opened her eyes. "That is what you asked me last night, yes? To spend time with your friends? It seems I did not have to wait long to get the opportunity."

Tony threaded his fingers into her hair and brought his lips to hers. "I love you."

"Gam ani," she replied, stretching and meeting his eyes. "What should we have for breakfast?"

He put some serious thought into that. "I don't know. I'm out of practice now." Finally it came to him. "I'm going to make myself a breakfast burrito. What can I get you?"

Ziva shook her head. "I must get back into routine as well ahava. I think I remember how to make a parfait. That is what sounds good to me."

"Good." Tony got out of bed and pulled his side of the covers up. Together they wandered into the kitchen and claimed separate sides of the counter to make their respective orders. Then Ziva took a quick shower and Tony found park appropriate clothes.

When she came out in a towel his eyebrows rose, but Ziva held up a finger. "Not a word."

He grinned instead and followed her just so he could hug her from behind. Ziva rolled her eyes and pushed him away, then began going through drawers. She finally settled on cargo pants, a tank top, and one of her loose, comfy sweaters. Looking in the mirror, she frowned. "Can you tell?" Ziva asked her husband.

"Tell what?"

She crossed her arms. "That I have lost weight."

He studied her appearance and outfit. "It's still visible in your face to a degree, but your clothes hide the rest."

Ziva started brushing her hair, opting to leave it down. There was a scar on the back of her neck she didn't want anyone to accidentally see. "For now that will have to do."

Tony kept further comment to himself and when she was ready, held out his hand. "Let's go honey." When she looked unsure, he grinned. "Hey, if you can handle the crowds at the airport, the guys should be a cinch."

Ziva smiled bravely. "Okay," and followed her husband out the door.

**NCIS**

At the park Mark stood in a circle of guys on the basketball court. "Here's the deal. I think Tony's bringing Ziva with him today and before you get excited, there's something you need to know." He took a breath. "One of the reasons Tony was AWOL this summer was because...someone hurt Ziva, pretty badly. The road to recovery has been hard on both of them, and as far as I know this is one of her first outings. They've been on leave from work for a couple weeks."

Shock was present on every face and Darien held up a hand. "Wait. Someone hurt one of our girls and no one gave us the name and address of this creep so we could teach him a lesson?"

"You said she was hurt?" Jordan asked. "How bad? What happened?"

Mark sighed and rolled the ball around in his hands. "Unfortunately those are all the details I can give. Ziva's very sensitive about what happened, she doesn't want anyone to look at her like a victim. So treat her normally, but be really gentle with her, okay? She's still healing."

"I don't like the way that sounds," Brent muttered.

"Me either," Adrian put in. "Because one of the worst ways to hurt a woman is..." He shook his head. "Something I don't even want to think about."

"Then don't," Mark ordered. "Just be their friends. Tony's gonna be needing us as a support system, especially when they go back to NCIS and have to pretend they're not married." He looked at Jordan. "Cassie's going to talk to Allie soon about being the same for Ziva." A familiar dark blue car pulled in and parked and he blew out a breath. "Okay, they're here."

Tony glanced at Ziva. "Ready?"

She nodded. "As much as I will be."

He got out and waved at the guys, then went to open Ziva's door. She kept tight hold of his hand as they approached the group. "Buongiorno amici." _Good day friends._

The response was half-hearted, with the guy's focus being mostly on Ziva. Her appearance stunned them - from the strong, capable fit woman they'd seen in April, to a thin, frail, nervous lady who stood next to her husband and clung onto his hand like a liferope. They swarmed towards her, intent on offering hugs, but it pulled them up short when she shrank away, stepping almost behind Tony as if she needed his protection.

They looked between him and Mark and Tony sighed. "Maybe just one at a time. I'm really the only guy she's been around since everything went down."

Turning to Ziva, he whispered, "It's just because they care honey. We're all gentlemen here. None of them would ever hurt you. Give them a chance, okay?"

She nodded once, her dark nervous gaze flitting over the group of concerned men. The others pushed Mark forward, figuring he had more experience with women, and he approached Ziva slowly. "Hi."

Ziva tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Hello Mark. How is Cassie?"

He smiled. "She's great. Keeping busy with her music and teaching and the kids." His tone sobered. "How are you?"

She shrugged. "As good as can be expected."

Mark held out his arms. "Would a hug be alright?" Gathering her courage, Ziva stepped forward and slid her arms around his waist. He kept it brief. "It's going to be okay."

Darien was right behind him to take his turn. "You ever want to send us after someone, the offer's open," he told her quietly, deeply unsettled by how much weight she'd lost. It was obvious as soon as he'd held her.

Ziva let go. "I thought you were gentlemen."

Darien's gaze was sincere. "We are. And gentlemen always defend ladies. I'm sorry Ziva."

"Thank you." What else could she say? Nothing would fix what was already done.

Jordan was next in line and Ziva accepted his hug easily. "Tony told me. Congratulations."

He grinned. "Thanks. You'll come, right? To the wedding?"

She squeezed his hand. "We would not miss it."

"Good."

Brent waited until Ziva looked at him and stayed a few steps away. "Are we crowding you?"

She shook her head. "No. I am...fine. I just need to get used to people again."

Eager to see a new face, his dog Cody started forward with tongue at the ready. Brent pulled on his leash. "Sit," he commanded.

Unwilling but obedient, Cody planted his rump on the ground, whining at Ziva. She got close and let him sniff her hands, then fondled his floppy ears. "Hello Cody, it is nice to see you again." They hadn't officially met, last time he'd been too preoccupied by Mark's kids to do a meet and greet.

Since she'd closed the distance willingly, Brent folded her into a careful embrace and searched her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Not yet," she answered honestly, "but we have come a long way."

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. We're here for you."

"Thank you," Ziva whispered.

Adrian was last, never sure what to say, and he was the one incapable of hiding his reaction to how thin she felt when he wrapped his arms around her. He eased away, shock colouring his tone. "Gosh Ziva, what happened?"

Brent was right there to cuff him on the back of the head and Mark shook his head and sighed. "Excuse him Ziva. We're still training him on social interactions."

Tony forced a chuckle and met Ziva's eyes to determine her reaction. It didn't escape any of their attentions that she declined to answer the question. She smiled reassuringly at her husband. "Go play. I will sit here and watch."

As soon as she was settled with her back to the tree, Cody surged forward, pulling his leash out of Brent's hand, and landed in her lap. She winced because of the force, but began petting him slowly. "Are you okay like that Ziva?" Brent asked. "I can tie him up."

"No, we are fine. Cody will be good company, yes?" she asked the dog. He happily licked at any skin he would reach and Mark tossed Tony the ball.

"Game on."

For the rest of the afternoon while her husband and the guys ran around on the court working up a good sweat, Ziva sat in the October sunshine with her furry companion soaking in every bit of attention she offered. Even when the guys took a much needed break and sprawled out around Ziva with their bottles of water and ice cold soda, Cody made no move to rejoin his master. For his part, Tony could've kissed the dog in gratitude. Anyone who could bring Ziva that much comfort and peace and help her relax in a way only the horses has so far deserved a prize.

At one point Ziva leaned down to speak softly to the dog and Cody turned his head, covering her cheek in a sloppy kiss. Adrian laughed. "Ooh Brent, watch out! I think he's in love."

Brent took a long drink of his soda. "Well, who can blame him? Half of us have gotten really lucky in love." He glanced at Darien. "Then we have one abstainer, so I guess it's just you and me Aid."

"Hey," Adrian defended, "I see lots of pretty girls in my line of work. Granted, most of them are under two, but I bet I get flirted with more than you."

The guys laughed and Brent turned pleading eyes to Ziva. "Are you sure you don't have any single friends, sisters, or cousins that might want to move to DC?"

Ziva shook her head. "I am sorry. But I will keep my eyes open for both of you. You would be a good snatch." They snickered and she looked at Tony. "What?"

He coughed. "Catch Zi, a good catch."

"Oh yes," she amended. "And it would make the get togethers more fun if the numbers between men and women were closer to even."

"Any single moms among your basketball players?" Tony asked and Mark shoved his shoulder. "Hey! It's a legitimate option!"

Brent mulled that thought over and nodded. "Maybe I'll have to pay closer attention to that. I'm always focused more on the kids."

"Then we just have to work on you Aid," Tony added, wanting to see all his friends as happy and settled as he was - or had been and hoped to be again.

Adrian tossed his towel at Tony. "One project at a time Big D. I'm in no rush."

The conversation took a different direction and Tony crawled over to sit by his wife. Cody rolled his head and eyed him suspiciously. Tony ruffled his fur. "Nice try buddy, but she came with me." He slid his fingers between hers. "Okay so far?"

Ziva nodded, but her blinks were slower than normal. "I am getting a little tired."

He kissed her temple. "I think we're almost done. You need a nap?"

She shook her head. "No, just to be doing something."

Tony helped her stand and she stretched out the stiffness. He got Mark's attention. "I think Zi and I are going to call it a day."

The guys gathered around. "You need anything, anytime, you call," Brent told him firmly.

"Wish we'd known sooner, but you're stuck with us now," Darien stated.

"You've got my number D," Adrian put in. "Use it."

"I'll talk to Allie as soon as she's up and around. She and Cass'll be good for Ziva, you'll see," Jordan promised.

After handshakes and bro hugs all around the group dispersed, with Mark hanging back. Brent whistled and Cody reluctantly unglued himself from Ziva's side and followed his human, though he cleared wanted to stay. Tony grinned. "New best friend, huh?"

Her eyes twinkled. "I will not replace you...yet."

Mark came over and leaned against the tree. "Did Tony tell you about our offer?"

She fiddled with her nails. "Dinner, yes."

"What do you think?"

Her gaze flickered between Mark and Tony. "I think...I would like that. You have been a good friend to my husband and I want to know you better."

Mark touched her shoulder. "Good. We want the same. Can we get together soon?"

Again she looked at Tony and he cleared his throat. "Uh, let us get through this first week back to work first, then we'll talk."

"Fair enough." Mark leveled a serious gaze at Tony. "I want to hear from you before the end of the week. Don't make me hunt you down."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're still Papa Smurf. You have my word."

Ziva's brow furrowed. "Papa...Smurf?"

Mark chuckled. "You probably don't have the Smurfs in Israel and they're kind of hard to explain if you've never seen them. But it's a kids TV show and basically there's this group of little blue people called Smurfs and Papa Smurf is the one in charge and he takes care of them."

Tony slapped him on the back. "Mark here is the mother hen of our group, always keeping us accountable and responsible. Darien's the strong, silent type - he'll go along with the silliness, but he also isn't above knocking some sense into us if it's needed."

Mark picked up there. "Adrian's a bit awkward sometimes and he just want to be accepted and feel like part of something. Jordan, well, I guess he's the studious one, kind of serious. He needs us to inject some fun into his life. Brent -"

Tony continued. "Brent, the all around good guy. I think he would've been a loner if he hadn't met us. But when you have a group of guys in three rooms at the farthest end of the hall from the stairwell, there's really nowhere else to go."

"We switched room assignments after a week when personalities started to become clear," Mark explained. "Adrian got put with Tony, who calmed him down a bit. Darien with Jordan because they wouldn't bug each other, and I got Brent."

"Soon Mark became the unofficial leader and decided that we were joining the same fraternity and living together the next year so we'd better learn to like each other, and Brent didn't have the chance to be alone. I think it's good for him though." He turned to Mark. "I was serious about the single mom thing. Brent would be a great dad and he needs a family. Having Cody just gives him an excuse to do more things solo."

"I'll get the girls dropping hints," Mark said after a moment's thought, warming to the idea. "Nice call D."

Ziva was studying them. "You really look out for each other, don't you?"

Mark nodded. "We take our responsibilities as brothers seriously. That promise is for life. And since you married into the group, we'll take care of you the same way. There's no getting rid of us now."

"I would not want to," she assured him, then frowned at Tony. "Why do you call him D?"

Tony tugged at her arm. "Middle initial, long story. I think we've had enough of memory lane. See you later."

"You can't get away that easily!" Mark yelled after him, and Ziva laughed.

"Are you afraid he will start sharing secrets Tony?"

He bundled her into the car. "Yes. Very embarrassing ones."

"Hmm," she mused. "Perhaps I will have to come around more often."

Tony buckled up. "So, what's for supper?"

"Changing the subject will only make me more curious," Ziva warned.

He took her hand, kissing her fingertips. "We need to do it today Zi."

The mood went from playful to solemn in a sentence and she stared at him. "What?"

"The memorial. I want it gone so we can start a new day tomorrow with as much of the past as possible buried with that rock."

She lifted an eyebrow. "You want to bury it?"

Tony tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. "You were right. DC does kind of lack cliffs." He thought about it some more. "Maybe we should do it _Jumanji_ style instead."

Her brow furrowed as she tried to recall the movie. "Lock it in a box?"

He chuckled. "No, the end one. Come on, I've got an idea."

They drove home and walked to the backyard together. Carefully Tony lifted the rock from its spot between flowers and headed to the car. Ziva stopped him, removing several small folded pieces of paper from the clear box on the side. "These I want to keep." She tucked them in the pocket of her pants and followed her husband. Tony took them down to the river, to a place where a bridge spanned both banks. There they stood holding the gravestone he'd made for her and with one hand each pushed it off the rail, watching it hit the water with a plunk and sink into the murky depths.

Tony took Ziva's face in his hands and his voice came out a bit husky. "I love you Ziva. And we're going to get through this, I promise."

She lifted her chin, brown eyes melting into green. "I believe you."

Then he captured her lips and for several long moments the couple knew nothing but each other. For the first time since Somalia, they were all they really needed.


	15. Epilogue - Eli vs Nettie

_A/N: For the purposes of this conversation, please assume that everything they say is in Hebrew. I know it's short, sorry, but I didn't want to force it and try to make it longer. I hope no one's disappointed. ~Aliyah_

A day after her return to Israel, Nettie burst into her brother's office. The first words out of her mouth were, "You are an idiot!"

He barely glanced up. "It is nice to see you too Netta."

She glared fiercely at him and crossed her arms. "Do you know where I have been?"

Eli put his pen down and met her eyes. "I distinctly remember a threat of removing my ability to father children if I was ever to track your movements achot. So no, I have no idea where you have been. Besides, I thought you were not speaking to me." _Sister_

Her ire calmed and she lowered her voice. "This is the last time."

The serious tone got Eli's attention and he frowned. "May I ask why?"

Nettie's grey eyes grew sorrowful. "I was in America, visiting Ziva." Her words sharpened again. "You remember, the daughter you left for dead in the desert?"

Her sarcasm was not appreciated and Eli waved his hand. "Ziva knew the risks."

"Did she know that you were willing to sacrifice her life for loyalty? That you cared more about the mission than whether she lived or died? That is what 'at any cost' means, yes?" she retorted hotly.

"The Director of Mossad cannot show favouritism. I would expect the same from any of my officers."

"Ziva is not your officer!" Nettie spit out. "She is your daughter Eli. Your own flesh and blood. Do you care nothing for her anymore?"

He stubbornly held onto his convictions. "She was serving her country. And if she had died in that service it would be nothing less than she signed up for."

"Ziva was a motherless girl, a child eager to please, a young woman with hopes and dreams. But you made her into a weapon and look at her now!" Nettie slapped a polaroid down on his desk, a picture of Ziva from the field hospital. Deep sadness coloured her expression. "How can you see what was done to her and feel nothing?"

Eli studied the picture briefly and turned it over. "She was trained to survive. That is what she did."

"Shmendrik!" she hissed at him, turning to go. _(A contemptible, foolish person)_ Then Nettie stopped at the door, defeat in her posture. "What happened to you Eli? What happened to my brother?" She wiped her eyes. "When did it become okay to use your children as pawns in this war? Because I remember a man holding his baby daughter for the first time and gazing at her as if she was the most amazing miracle he'd ever seen. I remember the look on your face when Ziva's tiny fingers curled around yours, the tenderness with which you kissed her forehead, the protective way you cradled that brand new life in your arms. How could you have gone from that to...this?" Her disgust was clear. Nettie straightened her shoulders. "Goodbye Eli. I hope someday you will see every precious thing your misguided loyalties have cost you. May you forever regret the choices you have made."

With that she closed the door, leaving Eli alone, her words still hanging heavy in the air. As if the wind had been knocked out of him, the director sat back in his chair and turned the picture back over. But no matter what his sister said, looking at the young woman in the photo Eli David saw not his daughter, but a soldier who had failed in her duties. And because of that there were plans to be made. Ziva had much to answer for and someone would see that she did. The Americans could not protect her forever, of that he was quite sure.


End file.
